In a few days’ time I will be approaching the eleven years’ anniversary of this blog. I think of this blog often and quite fondly. There are so many times I wish I could write on here and the time really slips by me. I have such little time nowadays and this has become a non-priority.
The news and politics are heavily of interest to me now. So today was a pretty astonishing news day, as most days have been this year. The United States of America will be leaving the Paris Accord because our president does not believe in the radical effects of climate change. The percent increase of homeless population over last year increased by a staggering 23%. On my drive back home this evening I was listening to The Moth Radio and coincidentally the speakers were talking about how they were previously homeless and I just felt so down – especially since I was driving from a fun luxury skin care event where the brand’s price point starts at $90 all the way up to $190 for a single product.
Work keeps me extremely busy during the day. I honestly do not have any time to do anything other than work while I am there. Some days I take a lunch break when I’m lucky, but most days I do not. And then my commute is awful. 1.5 hours in the morning and 1 hr, 45 minutes in the evening. It is a ridiculous waste of time and honestly I wish driver-less cars were a thing already so that I could be productive while sitting there in traffic – maybe actually do something with that time other than drive.
Consistently I am starting to feel more unhealthy as time goes on. I get home so late that by the time I have had dinner and enjoyed a small ounce of free time, it’s very late in the night and I have to wake up very early in the day just to get to work at a very late start comparatively speaking to all my previous jobs, but at least it’s a late start because my drive is excruciatingly long and if I had to wake up even earlier than early, it would just be bad all around.
My housing situation is really not bad at all. I enjoy where I live, and it is close to my family. The size of my home is great: it’s a two-story condo with three bedroom and two and half bathrooms. So I mean, to move closer to work for double what I pay now and half the space does not make that much sense. But I just don’t know how to handle the reality of my drive because it makes me feel tired, sleepy, unhealthy, and by the time I have arrived at work I have already struggled through insane traffic.
There are so many changes I want to make in life right now, and I need some time to reflect to figure out how to achieve a balanced state of being.
There’s no right way to approach this post because there are too many underlying things troubling me. That’s not to say good things aren’t also happening, but I’m highly stressed out and emotionally vulnerable right now. I have worry on a lot of different fronts right now. People-related drama gets to me very badly. Currently I’m looking forward to reading The Stranger in the Woods, the story of Christopher Knight, the man who lived as a hermit for 27 years in the woods of Maine with no human interaction. That’s my current mind set, except I know that living as a hermit would not produce any new ideas (great novels rely on authors, the best movies require actors, directors, etc. etc. – I mean it’s easy to see the point). I would not be able to consume music, film, or well-written prose without people. But at the same time, it feels worth stepping away and never coming back, but I’d have to pack as many books as possible. Even Christopher Knight stole many novels because even he understood that there is value in the work man produces.
I just feel like I don’t have a support system right now. I don’t know who to turn to or who to talk to anymore. I wish I enjoyed drinking just so I could have some kind of activity to do while writing this, kind of Faulkner or Hemingway-esque. But alcohol tastes disgusting to me.
Why is it that everything feels so broken right now?
Earlier today I thought of packing my bags and taking a break from my current environment. Then I realized I actually have no where to go that is any better than where I am currently. Every place I thought to go had its own fair share of troubles. I went to visit my mom today and I definitely do not want to stay over even one night. My brother was extremely rude to me, more than I’ve ever seen him be as he is usually a mellow individual. That took me by surprise and just wore me down when I went to my mom’s as a respite from all that anger. And of course my mom and I usually run into getting along issues after a little too much time together. Then I considered getting a hotel or an Airbnb for a week, and while I can afford it, it’s not even financially smart since I’m trying to accomplish some financial feats right now (pay off debt, save more, invest more, potentially move closer to work/security deposit/higher rent, etc.). Those financial things are stressing me out as well.
Most members of my family are not speaking to one of my aunts right now. And it troubles me because my family is so separated right now, which is new to me. We’ve always been close and probably will be again in the future, but it’s taxing keeping up with all the drama. Even staying angry at my aunt takes too much energy that I wish I could just not even give a shit. But I also don’t deserve to be treated the way she is treating everyone in the family so that to just “forgive and forget” is also not a ‘right’ option. But I have too many other issues to have to deal with this.
I’m worried about my mom and my aunt, who both seemed to have inherited alcohol-related issues from my grandmother (cause of death was probably related to alcohol toxicity and how she drank all the time). I’m worried about my brother who randomly quit his community college classes AGAIN and refuses to work even after people have offered him positions or opportunities. And now he’s having some kind of anger asshole issues. I’m worried about how I’m constantly arguing with Daniel. I just want my partner to be someone I can feel completely at ease with and explain all my frustrations to without having to fear violent angry retaliation. I just want us to be perfectly fine and perfectly happy and perfectly collaborative. There are so many things I’m worrying about right now that I just want one part of my life to be stress-less, but I can’t seem to quit any portion of the things that are stressing me out.
Right now, music is my major recourse. It helps me process the emotion inside. I haven’t really watched any movies lately that have done that for me, but movies used to make me cry and would also help me cleanse the emotions. When can all things just be at a stable level of OK?
It’s like it never even happened
I never got to know this side of you
Frozen all connections
Now I can’t find the person that was you
Oh no. I can’t remember
The leaves were bound to change
I loved you in the summer
The leaves were bound to change