In Search of the Object.

Inanimate objects as a means of expressing human emotions.

– Man in the Dark, Paul Auster

‘If I knew how to draw, I would apply myself only to studying the form of inanimate objects,’ I said somewhat imperiously, because I wanted to change the subject and also because a natural inclination does truly lead me to recognize my moods in the motionless suffering of things.

– if on a winter’s night a traveler, Italo Calvino

I almost don’t know where to begin.

I’m reading two novels right now, perhaps over-committing myself to the cause but the latter is infinitely harder to read than the former. The former, I began just last night and already I am on page 65 of 180 versus “if on a winter’s night…” I am on page 76 of 260; it’s a much slower, denser, very confusing read.

Coincidentally both novels express very similar ideas in very different styles and yet both also coincidentally contain multiple narratives: stories within stories within stories. Paul Auster blends the combined narratives in such a beautiful way that I feel compelled to know what comes next. Italo Calvino delves one level deeper and so far it’s a 3-level story that it’s hard to know what should be considered the main narrative.

This week has been incredibly busy in all the ways. Cherries are dwindling thanks to the weather conditions in Washington and I think everyone in the office cannot wait to wrap up the season.

This week I: attended barre class 3x, went jogging 2x, went to the movie theater, made a flash trip to Santa Barbara, bonded with my co-workers over sushi, got a 90 minute massage, got a flat tire, and infinitely more minutiae.

This morning I experimentally went after a potential object of affection only to find that by today I just no longer cared.

How can I find an object (of affection) to wholly represent my emotions if I haven’t any (emotions)?

This morning, just as last week, he was still ridiculously cute, polite, muscular, tall, with just the most gorgeous eyes… and yet, I felt nothing. The excitement I felt last week was perhaps just excitement of being in Hollywood, surrounded by nice people on an equally nice day. Today, I felt… well, to be honest, the whole week, I have felt extremely depressed. So everything felt muted, devoid of color (and today is rather gloomy to boot). His smile was nice but then I found him reminding me of one of my friends and then I sort of… eh.

When breakfast was over I felt myself not wanting to leave the moment. I didn’t want the moment to end because I felt there was more to be gotten out of the moment. But instead I left as empty as when I arrived. Maybe even literally, because I hardly ate.

It rained for a few minutes, but it’s still about 90 degrees outside and somewhat humid. Today doesn’t feel like a good day. I wanted so much more out of my day but it’s already 1pm and any chance at making more out of the day is rather slim.

There’s a friendly hang scheduled in a few hours and I feel awful but friendly companionship isn’t what I’m looking for right now. When I try to look for romantic companionship there’s just nothing there, though. Nothing can seem to fill the void that something is missing. But when I’m with people I just … can’t wait to be left alone again. I get this recurring feeling that I cannot stand people. Everything annoys me. But it can’t be that everyone in existence is annoying; the annoyance exists only within me. The annoyance is a tumultuous disturbance in my heart and I don’t know how to fix it. The only solution I have found is to remove myself from as many situations as possible. Only alone do things seem to make any sense to me. Only alone do I have all the freedom in the world to think and see and experience as I wish.

The sad truth is that no matter how alone I want to be, the world revolves on the assistance of others. An employer to pay me. A friend to run with. A group to read books with. A world to make the universe go round. Etcetera.

Very little feels good these days. Very little feels.

Throughout the week I did this internal constant back and forth of over-feeling, then hardening my heart to stop feeling, only to feel the weight of my sadness, to try and catch it again… every time finding myself closer to the ground. (I’m tired of getting back up.) I never let the emotions crush me entirely… I can stilt them for just long enough to stay alive until the sadness comes to pass again.

I found myself on the roof of my office building some time this week. I sat up there staring at the beautiful downtown LA buildings when I began to imagine what it would feel like to stand at the edge and jump. The feeling scared me and I started to cry. But I told myself I was self-inducing the thoughts, so I forced myself to stop crying, I forced myself to get my shit together and stop contemplating suicide. And my heart hardened leaving just a small, dull ache. Then I went back inside my office a few floors down and resumed work as if nothing had happened.

It’s always that way, though. The world must go on regardless of the feelings.

I wonder what sort of object could represent me. Maybe glass. Transparent, illusory, cold, resilient, present but adding no visual weight to any situation, and of course… the capability of shattering into a million small sharp painful little pieces.

What complements glass?

com·ple·ment

noun \ˈkäm-plə-mənt\

: something that completes something else or makes it better

l doubt anything can stop me from breaking.

The Classic Lady.

I have wanted to write a great deal of things today, in a non-linear non-story incohesive format every time I’ve had a thought that I felt I wanted out of my brain and into something I could re-read and see it for what it is.

Before anyone came into the office I was crying to myself at my desk while I was doing my morning paperwork. It was pretty pathetic and sad… and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it through the day. But I did, mostly in part because the boss didn’t come in and all but two co-workers left the office for the majority of the day to go look at some cherries.

But all the whining and pathetic-ness aside…

I’ve been regularly attending barre classes and I love it! I feel like even when I really don’t want to go I push myself and come out feeling renewed and full of energy I didn’t have just before. Mostly I have to really push myself on days when I nap and napping feels like the best thing in life… and my brain is still a fog but I get dressed for class, and RUSH through the literally 30+ minute drive to the studio… and though it’s super stressful to rush whilst in a daze… AT THE BARRE, it all melts away. Or maybe that’s the sweat talking.

My patio furniture arrived today! Two big ol’ boxes from Costco dropped off at my doorstep.

Though I ignored the boxes for a few hours: went to the movie theater then went to barre. Then ordered a delicious smoothie from Nekter Juice Bar… mmm delicious. Then naturally once it was super dark outside I set out to unbox the enormous boxes and arrange my patio furniture…. real smart move, that one.

Well anyway.

There are always solutions to problems. YES I AM DEPRESSED. YES I CRY AT RANDOM INTERVALS. YES I HAVE ISSUES I NEED TO ADDRESS BEFORE I DECIDE TO REALLY SLIT MY WRISTS (I wouldn’t, but the thought crosses my mind which honestly is just too much. Nothing should ever feel that bad.)

But solutions. Solutions, Bri.

Also: I need to focus on reading tomorrow. NO MORE EXCUSES. I have a book club book that’s been just hanging out… and a book I checked out from my new local library… ahhh. And a huge list of books I really want to read this year. FOCUSSSSS.

Kay, past my bedtime!

RESTLESS.

From the archives of the unpublished. A post from 08 May 2011. I worked at the office in 2011. Boy, some things never change. It’s like I could have written this very post TODAY and yet my feelings have not changed… not even a little bit.

I have 32 drafts left to go. Maybe little by little the things most personal to me, that I felt I could not publish in the moment, will slowly be released from the darkness.

I’ve been feeling so restless as of late. And bored. I definitely don’t get bored easily. So I’m just not sure how to react or what to do to stop feeling this. Basically every single day needs to be full of plans. And that’s not practical. I think doing things every single day is a cover for the emotional turmoil I feel about work. OH WORK. UGH. The job itself is whatever to me. I don’t care that I’m there 10 hours a day. First one in, last one out. That’s fine, it’s part of the job. Except I don’t feel I’m getting paid on par with the job description. I didn’t go to college to earn LESS than my boss’ housekeeper. Fuck man, that sort of thing infuriates me. I feel worn out going to work knowing that I’m working so hard and yet I can only barely make ends meet. What the hell you know. That’s not okay.

UGHHHGHHAHGAL I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. I don’t feel like thinking about it anymore. It wears me out. And it puts me in the worst mood possible. This resentment is too much for me.

There’s a new concept in my life: “loose woman.”

I am not loose woman material.

But something needs to be done. Well I mean, does it really? Everyone’s life focus is about LOVE, finding the perfect person. And I mean I feel like I’m too… capricious for that. Maybe. Maybe not. I just want to TRAVEL, do things, make new friends, dance the night away. Oh dear lord I don’t even fucking know what I’m saying anymore. Love is like this ACHIEVEMENT everyone’s striving for, but I just have no … desire to set out and achieve that goal. But I also don’t want to be alone. Talking about this feels like a waste of my fucking time. And it makes me uncomfortable. It’s an area that’s very unfamiliar to me. AND… that’s all I can even bear to say.

(Though now I’m wondering if I’m not just feeling pressured to find love.)

Deprivation.

I seriously feel like slapping myself right now… I feel incredibly sleepy this morning. There’s this strange feeling that it’s hard to breathe and my eyes feel so very heavy and the only comforting thought is a nice, warm, heavy blanket atop my curled up body on my bed. I seriously wish I could feel the length of time I slept… as in, experienced sleep in real time.

Sleep to me feels like a short duration of dreaming and then suddenly waking up. It’s too quick, it happens in the blink of an eye, and when I wake up hours have gone by but I don’t feel as though I rested for as many hours as I did… and I don’t know if sleeping more would help because I’m not sure I would ‘feel‘ the additional hours anyway.

Coffee mostly acts as an eye speculum for me… and a nauseating feeling sort of washes over me at the thought of forced awakening like that. It’s torturous right? (If you should like to feel that same wave of nausea feel free to google ‘eye speculum.’)

I don’t understand how and why I am always sleepy. The moment I head home I try to throw in an errand or two so I can feel a little accomplishment but lately by 5pm I literally just cannot stay awake a moment longer. I hit the bed and out like a light. And then I’ll exercise and by my bedtime I’m not as sleepy so then I’m fucking around on my phone or trying to catch a few minutes of late night TV (a rarity for me)… and then I wake up late to make up for the missed time and then I get to work and it’s zombie all over again.

Honestly waking up at 4:30am is so not sustainable… but that’s the time I must wake up for work so it’s not like that can change.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is “When can I go back to sleep?” And it’s the thought at the back of my mind all day at work. And it’s what I think about as I’m headed home or to an errand…

Also I’d like to throw in I’m getting old. I injured my wrist (I have no idea how) and it’s been two weeks and it still isn’t healed… it cracks when I turn it side to side and there’s mild discomfort.

It’s affecting my strength and daily fitness goals.

I can’t wait for all the commotion to die down from moving and from cherry season. Everyday it’s like clean clean clean, go look at furniture, discover that I need to go buy another ‘essential’ like dish-washing liquid or yet another hand soap, etc.

Basically: I feel burnt out and tired.

Or I woke up just completely out of it this morning.

Numbers at work are dizzying and a confused mess… COME ON CHERRY SEASON, be over already.