May
19

Lightly

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly—it’s the best advice ever given me. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling.

– Aldous Huxley

It’s so easy for me to forget to feel lightly. These past few months I have let myself feel, and feel openly and feel passionately (overly so perhaps). I’m more known for guarding my emotions than sharing them openly. So I don’t know what made me think that sharing my emotions was suddenly a “good idea.” Surprise, it just wasn’t. Maybe I was aiming for healthy sharing of information with peers, friends, etc. But being such a damn bleeding heart as of late has caused me extreme emotional distress. How could I have forgotten that it’s better to feel nothing?

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of trying to find happiness. I am content. Things are OK the way they are right now. I have so many other pursuits and interests that emotional pursuits are just weighing me down.

I must be resolute in my decisions. Unwavering in my selfishness. My health is so much more important than anything else. I cannot be weighed down. Nothing phases me.

There is a part of me that is so easily manipulated. A very weak part of me. And that weakness has been very obvious for some time now, as I’ve let myself become more openly emotional. And I just can’t let that side of me show anymore.

What I really need is more time alone. More time to just do what interests me and what makes me feel okay.

It’s never okay for one person to treat another person poorly. But people still do. And that is so hurtful to me. And some naive part of me believes that it’s not intentional or done cruelly. Why does cruelty bring people such satisfaction? That is so unfathomable to me (despite the fact I have several times treated people thus). I need to stay away from hurtful people.

My health is more important. My mental well-being is more important than any perceived benefit from something hurtful. I must be strong enough to remember that. I keep ignoring how much I’ve been hurt lately. I just brush it off… but no, I need to stay away from it.

This has been happening too often and too much. Why do people always feel it’s okay for them to do something and then if I attempt something similar the world is ending and so much anger is directed towards me? Sad sigh.

The only thing I know to do is to stay away. That’s not my battle. I’m not made for anger or battles anymore. I did that for much too long to have the strength to do this again. I’m now more hands-off, I retreat, I ignore, pretend like what’s happening isn’t as fucked up as it is in reality. Because I just don’t want to fight anymore. In a way this feels like I’ve given up or lost my strength of will. But I know I just don’t want to feel anger anymore. Not after feeling so angry for so many years. All my anger ever did was leave me bruised and bloody. I stood up for what I felt was right for so many years and suffered as a result. Suffered physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Now I have little to no fight left in me – but still, I hurt and I suffer. But at least I am without anger. Resentment isn’t something I want to feel. Maybe my thinking/personality is avoidant and escapist but that preferable to me at this point in time.

I am perfectly okay with how I am. And that’s what is most important.

The specifics of what have led me to this post are just not shareable. Unfortunately. But hopefully I will remember what led me down this road. Keywords: work, emotions, men, relationships, coworkers. Please Bri, don’t forget the specifics.

May
01

forfeit liberty

Shake off the chills, just don’t look into his eyes
(Keep your head down)
Think of all the things
They told you he did that were so wrong
This last ounce of love is what kept you so inspired.

You lost yourself along the way
Gave into temptation
Enslaved by a false list of values
You try so hard to keep to

I miss my old life. I said it then and I still think it now – my life was perfect. Oh someone take me back to April 10, 2012. I would do it all over again. I would just have to know then what I know now. Saddest inaudible sigh of all time.

From one year to the next I’ve grown in so many ways. I’ve evolved. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I have learned a great deal of things. I’m not sure I can even consider myself the same person. Sometimes stepping away can give you clarity. And sometimes experiencing things you don’t want to experience can change you, for the better.

S has taught me a lot about myself as well. I can’t help but to think that some of this positive change can be attributed to him. I know he hasn’t really actively been trying to teach me anything about positive change, but our interactions have made me so much stronger. And by stronger, I don’t mean stronger in personality; truly, I mean quite the opposite. S has taught me patience, learning to wait, learning to speak respectfully and in turn, and so much more. In other words, I’ve learned how to be submissive. My aggression and anger have considerably lessened. My capriciousness has lessened as well, I hope. Well… that’s still a work in progress. I’ve created a set of rules for myself (in a sense) and I find myself feeling quite liberated being under his care and under the care of rules/principles to live by. But generally I’m learning to be pleasing, pleasant. To me, this is one of the most valuable skills anyone can learn: to be pleasing. It’s politeness, really. And feeling pleasure from pleasing. I’m also learning to obey (working on obeying without question).

For example, now, when Mom tells me to do something, I just do it. There is no argument. There is no, “but why?” There is only obedience and feeling okay by completing something small, maybe insignificant, but that will bring the other person a lot of pleasure. Pleasure in my company, in my obedience, in my general agreeable nature.

This is definitely not something I had before. At all.

So I just feel I’m learning.

My present position somewhat uses this ability, too.  There’s nothing worse than an employee that says, “I can’t because I’m doing x, y, z.” Instead it’s far more pleasant to say, “Yes, I’ll do x, just quickly finishing y.” No one should feel the stress you’re feeling even if you’re doing five different things. One other manager always says, “I’m doing this already” when General Manager requests assistance. Me? There is no refusal. You can never refuse your boss. You just adjust accordingly. You need to be able to assist them when they need you otherwise they wouldn’t be asking for assistance! Being invaluable in this way, and being able to get things done is of utmost importance.

The same applied to my previous office job. But I didn’t have the same mindset. I felt like I was being treated poorly when instead I should have considered myself a valuable asset for even being capable of assisting. What seemed like a mindless task that the salesman could have done was actually just a small thing that I could help them not have to think about when they were doing all these other things. But instead I would get angry in this, “can’t you do it yourself?” kind of way. And why yes they probably could have, but if I can be of some value, I will be far more pleasing.

All of these things I have learned over the past few months. It’s taken me from aggressive to submissive. But submission requires strength to put the needs of others above your own in the sense that it will fulfill my needs to fulfill theirs. As in, PAYCHECK, if I fulfill the needs of others, which fulfills my life needs. It’s such a bizarre and new-found freedom to submit to someone else.

Now if only I can learn to command more respect. But that’s a whole other skill that I have yet to acquire. It requires learning how to phrase things so people feel useful, not used. Because not everyone is submissive. And not everyone can realize that just saying YES is a much more positive thing rather than making excuses or not taking the EFFORT to accommodate a simple request. Life would be so much simpler if people just respected one another.

But I feel that I’ve found some kind of zen or something with this new mindset. Because I love the benefits I receive as a result of my submission, I think it will suffice to keep me inspired to continue pursuing it.

Is this really my new personality or am I taking on something that’s really going to be very hard to keep to?

Moonie mentioned to me she wasn’t used to seeing me so submissive (I was with a guy). I think I’m very strong, personally. But when it comes to men… I prefer to relinquish that control I cling onto so dearly in my own life when I’m alone. In other words, I need control exercised over me. And I don’t necessarily have to be the one with that control, though I have for so long. I value Moonie’s opinion over most though. And despite the fact she doesn’t quite label her relationship she’s a total Domme. And her boyfriend is completely submissive. And it works. And it’s really quite perfect. And I love observing it. There’s complete mutual respect but she tells him her needs and he fulfills them, without question. It makes my heart pitter-patter. I want to be able to fulfill someone’s needs just like that.

Apr
09

Straight Facts (An Explanation)

I’ve committed multiple acts of betrayal as of late.

I’m just so confused why nothing ever suffices. What am I waiting for to make me happy? Do I even enjoy the moments in which I am happy? Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for the moment in which I am miserable again. But then once I’m here everything hurts.

At this point what I wish most is to go back to a different time. But then I sat here and wondered “which time?” All of my time has been filled with such a mixture of both joy and pain that I cannot possibly justify going back to re-experience any of that pain even for a glimmer of that familiar happiness I so crave. Present happiness never suffices. Only past happiness. And future happiness is so uncertain that I immediately disregard it as unreal, impossible.

The only time period that ever seemed perfect was 9th grade. I’ve said that for YEARS AND YEARS. But really there wasn’t much happening extraordinarily back then, but at the same time… nothing bad occurred either. But it was the year before a lot of pain.

I remember 10th grade in blood and tears and pain.

I just looked down and realized I was holding in tears. So I’m crying now.

11th grade was nice. That was the year I moved out of my mom’s house. The year I got really close to Eric H. I think. In 11th grade I may have still been pining for Eric L. Wow… that is just forever ago. Almost laughable. And as soon as I had what I wanted, I no longer wanted it. This may have bled into 12th grade as well.

12th grade was hell. More blood, tears, bruises, etc.

College. I started talking to Matthew before I even started college. Summer just before. My heart just drops. If there’s one thing I wish I could undo it would be this. But the connection was instant. Oh god. But if he and I had just never spoken, I wouldn’t have ever become friends with Steven either.

Fact: I really missed Steven on Sunday. So much so I started crying. But to cry for someone that treated me so poorly is just unacceptable.

Fact: I try very hard to please.

Fact: The people I try to please are 1. not deserving 2. impossible to please 3. people I surround myself with 4. people I am more than happy to make happy. Until finally I am discarded, no longer useful, no longer needed.

Fact: I feel as though I cannot ever make anyone happy because I keep failing no matter how much I try, no matter how much I do, how much I love. It’s not ever enough. My love becomes a basis for rejection. And yet these people constantly ask and ask and ask for more and more love. So much love that I feel as though I will burst with how much love I feel and how little I get in return. Though one of my favorite quotes explains it best.

I have this dream. In this dream there is a man. And though this man is rich, successful, famous, he is unhappy, so very unhappy. He is unhappy because the love around him, the love in the hearts of those he cared for most, was beginning to shrivel and wither away. And this, in turn, made his own heart begin to grow in order to make up for the love that was disappearing around him. And the more the love in the hearts of those around him shriveled up, the bigger his own heart grew in order to make up for the growing emptiness that he now began to feel. So the love kept withering away and his heart kept growing bigger. Until one day there was so little love around him and his own heart so big—it burst into a thousand red petals that filled the sky and fell slowly, so very slowly, to the earth. And the people, his friends, the ones who had withheld their love, began to swallow the petals, these remains of the man’s glorious heart as they fell from the sky. Hungrily, they fed. Greedily, they swallowed. They pushed and shoved each other, gorging themselves on these petals because they felt that then they too would become like the man. Rich, famous, beautiful, lonely …

I can only stay strong so much longer without reciprocation.

There were more facts I wanted to talk about. But time isn’t on my side as per usual.

Apr
07

Like a disease.

I try to expel emotions like the flu. I start to sweat profusely just like someone sick tries to sweat out their flu. The same goes with me and emotions.

Emotions are my illness. They are a weakness. They need to leave my body the moment I know I’ve come down with a case of feeling. And I know that I do this because I freak out that the emotion will leave me different, altered, affected, permanently sick. (Actually my worst case scenario has happened to me already – and that’s that the emotions will not be returned. So what else do I have to fear, right?)

The only other time I felt it was for six long years. No unwarranted emotion should last that long.

So I’m trying to sweat it out before it becomes real.

Always on guard.

Honestly, right now I’m going through withdrawals. :( I need what I had or something extremely similar/different/equally as distracting.

Mar
31

Negative Energy

My life is so good right now. Socially good, I mean. Damn near socially perfect. I’m rarely home, I feel very close and connected to my friends at this moment. There is so much positive and sympathetic energy in my life right now. Everything feels just right.

So that’s why I just can’t believe I let one negative person drag me down with them. How one person can convince me so fully of something so detrimental is just… beyond me. But I suppose I already had this negative thought in my head and this person just helped to reinforce it. I can’t blame someone else for my own negative thinking. I should have complete emotional control at all times.

I felt like writing about this situation earlier. Now I’m just so fed up with it I don’t think I can stand it anymore.

March has never felt so long.

There are so many great things going on in my life right now that I can just breathe this deep sigh of relief because I feel comfortable eliminating this negative energy.

Guess that’s all I’ll say for now.

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