Expending

I am just barely awake right now. I feel inexplicably unrested and exhausted. Yet it’s a Monday, I’m at work and that means a lot a lot a lot to do. Most of which I’ve already powered through but then there is of course the 2nd job in the evening. And then tomorrow the same deal except that tomorrow I have to pack for my 10 day vacation. I started laundry yesterday morning and left it in the dryer. But at least I did all the dishes – half by hand and the bulk in the dishwasher. I also left those inside the dishwasher…

Everything feels like half-baked right now. There are just too many things to do and hardly enough time.

Yesterday evening my friend came over to see my place for the first time. By the time he came over I was about halfway through a bottle of wine… forreal. So I was definitely rather tipsy. I managed to entertain him with my home-cooked leftovers (which he super complimented, bless his heart). Then he listened to my super sexy talk on financials, career stressors, and just basically… nothing really all that interesting. But he was into it. And then he proceeded to compliment my watch (obviously he’s super smooth ok?) and he was delicately touching my wrist and it felt really nice. But I mean it was just my wrist! I have not had any human contact in a very long while, it would seem, that something so small was actually sufficient to make me blush. It was like straight up out of a Jane Austen novel where after he touches her hand they fall madly in love… lmfao.

But then he politely excused himself to go see his younger brother.

However, he messaged me almost immediately after a variation of “I wish I had stayed.”

Now, mind you. Mind you. He is NOT trying to woo me. Not even a little bit. This is just his personality. He’s this really charming, polite, flirtatious fucker that knows how to get a woman to fall head over heels.

And me? I started to feel sad and dwell on the fact that the only person I feel is worth any time at all just won’t ever feel I have any worth whatsoever. And it was pathetic. And I messaged him. And he isn’t going to reply. And … I just feel like I’m all messed up inside because of it. There’s nothing more I can do. It’s a dead end.

Knowing all the facts doesn’t change the emotional contradictions.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Out

I’m burnt out. From the office job. Like… I just … can’t keep doing this paperwork. And with every passing day there’s more paperwork and I’m the only one that does all the paperwork on the sales side. THE ONLY ONE. And I’m tired. Exhausted. OVERDUE by SEVERAL MONTHS for my vacation but I couldn’t take it any earlier because of cherry season. Things aren’t getting easier in the office, they’re getting harder. And I’ve hit my max tipping point.

So this was probably the worst time to get a 2nd job but it is what it is and I have to learn to handle.

And it’s weird because as soon as the office is over I have to switch my brain into linen/textile mode. And then I’m still getting texts and calls from the office while I’m there. And then I sleep and I have linen on the brain but it’s like I have to start thinking produce. It’s a little confusing. And my brain is seriously like on overtime mode. And it’s like leading this double life of two very different things.

I did exercise last night though… so I feel at least a little bit better. My body feels mildly sore which is just what I wanted to feel… like I’m putting in that work and improving the quality of my soul. Sweating it all out has become such an intrinsic necessary means of cleansing out all the bad that when I haven’t worked out, I start to accumulate all this stress internally.

Anyway… back to work.

Waking Up

And certain truths about the nature of our minds are well worth knowing. For instance, the anger you felt yesterday, or a year ago, isn’t here anymore, and if it arises in the next moment, based on your thinking about the past, it will quickly pass away when you are no longer thinking about it. This is a profoundly important truth about the mind — and it can be absolutely liberating to understand it deeply. If you do understand it deeply — that is, if you are able to pay clear attention to the arising and passing away of anger, rather than merely think about why you have every right to be angry — it becomes impossible to stay angry for more than a few moments at a time. Again, this is an objective claim about the character of subjective experience. And I invite our readers to test it in the laboratory of their own minds.

– Sam Harris, “Sam Harris’s Vanishing Self” on The Opinionator, The New York Times Blog

“All the settings and the scenes that signal suffering”

It’s been about a week of working the two jobs… long, long days. A couple celebrities and interesting CEOs have stepped into the 2nd job to purchase things. So things have been pretty exciting. But it’s definitely taking a toll on my priorities list…

I’ve been eating like shit all week… I’m talking chips, beer, donuts, cake… like fucking forreal. :\ And I think I pronounced donuts as the ultimate sad food in my mind because afterward I would crash so hard from the sugar that I * would* actually feel a bit down in the dumps/low energy a little bit afterward.

We had a board game night last night after I got home from 2nd work.. and I hosted.. meaning I couldn’t leave early… blargh…

I felt really distracted and tired and after such a long day I just wanted to shut off my brain and not see any people and just be in bed watching something on TV or playing a mindless game on the iPad or anything really, that would not involve other people.

I finally went back to church today. It brought back really painful memories/the association of bothering my favorite before and after service via text. I didn’t really know I had that association. But I’ve spent almost all day lamenting and feeling sort of weird.

That’s the thing… I hate people most of the time, I rather be alone, I know how to keep entertained for the most part. Except for wanting to be in the company of the fave. And that’s not ever going to happen so I mean… I have to resort back to solitude (the preferred state). But solitude is only my preferred state *on the condition* that I have my favorite person close at hand. And since that’s not the case then well… just alone has to suffice.

I actually had a lengthy conversation with a stranger the other day about how he thought I should have a partner to share my life’s happiness and sadness and everything with and I vehemently denied requiring any such thing. Which is true… with the exception of the one exception. Ugh. Talking about relationships and this topic confuses my brain because I don’t understand how I can want and not want.

What I do want is to go into the swimming pool because it seems like a good idea but then once you’re there, there’s nothing to do in the water alone. So instead I look out onto the glistening water from my kitchen window, longing, pretending it’s something I don’t want. Maybe some things just look better from a distance. And once you’re there, it’s not quite the same.

I don’t know if that’s an argument for finding someone to swim in the water with me or an argument saying that my solitude is a sham or… well, I don’t know.

One of my coworkers quit on Friday. A salesman. He announced it on Tuesday… and since then I’ve been dreaming of getting his position. Which has created all kinds of fear in me. And the sadness of knowing that I probably won’t be offered his position because the company needs someone in my position. So instead fuck everyone else and I’ll do what I have to do to get my priorities taken care of ($400/month student loan bill, more rent now I’m in a condo, an “expensive” lifestyle of going out to eat, traveling… etc.) But anyway, yeah… it’s been hard dreaming every night of what it would mean if I got promoted but waking up knowing it was just a dream.

In a couple hours my cousins are coming over so I can tutor them (my uncle offered to give me moneyz after he heard I got a second job…) and I think it’ll go fairly smoothly.

I really wish I didn’t have so many life anxieties and that I could be content with the present. One day at a time. Systems, not goals.

I just feel so disillusioned by my current state of things. Which doesn’t sound like such a problem. I either need to realign my life expectations or do something to fulfill them. That constant flux is a major source of depression. And I know financials and career advancement are always my anxieties… while other people are more concerned about love and happiness and children and who knows what else. But I feel like career advancement is based more on my skills and how hard I work and my passion, etc. I could be the most passionate person in the world but it would never net me a loving partner. So I’m grateful at least that I’m not actively trying to find loveANDfailing. I’m just outright failing, but since I’m not actively searching for it, I’m okay with that.

I get this strange feeling this post isn’t composed in English. It’s more like Bri-speak which rarely makes sense. And I think it’s because Bri-speak is composed of far too many feelings. Feelings I never divulge in person because I rather be understood. Proper English and proper logic and proper distance.

I see people exuding sounds and motions of happiness and it seems so strange and foreign that I don’t even aim for such a feeling. It’s almost repulsive to me.

Sigh. I’m going to stop typing because otherwise I’ll ramble and ramble incoherently.