Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Something else

Hauls me through air—
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.

Godiva, I unpeel—
Dead hands, dead stringencies.

— Sylvia Plath

Still, I have little to nothing to say. Things that come to mind: I’m wearing rag&bone from top to bottom. I love my outfit today. Though I mean… it’s taken on a lesser meaning. One of my coworkers has a profound love for fashion, too, I can tell. The other two that work alongside me are more into (fashion) photography in a generic sort of way. And while I adore them completely I just don’t feel I’m breathing fashion right now. Which is disheartening. But my job is fairly easy. And… I hate easy.

I feel like I’m living some beyond ordinary life right now and it’s sickeningly stifling. I miss produce. Though I’m so “in the know” with fashion that it comes easily to me. Maybe too easily. Which is why I’ve always proclaimed to never want to work in an industry I am passionate about in my spare time. It’s just not conducive to happiness at work.

On the other hand, I continue to play house with the lover. I’m not really sure what to say on the matter. I’m not used to the presence of another human being in my life. It’s sometimes overbearing and other times confusing. My ultimate preference of course is being alone. A fact confirmed by being not alone suddenly. But the lover equally plays both nice and naughty. So I’m not complaining… just making note. Though certainly I think perhaps spending more time apart would help. But it can’t be helped. Because situations. And before I gallop straight into vaguesville, I’ll stop. But my ultimate hesitation just breaks hearts.

Claw Point

The year has yet to end. There’s still a month and a half left to 2014. Yet… it seems like this year has been monumentally and inexplicably tirelessly never-ending. In this one year I managed to sell my Bimmer, get an Audi, move into a condo in a new city, got offered a raise/promotion, resigned, worked two jobs for a short period of time, then got a brand new job in a different industry altogether.

Yet right now I feel bored.

Suddenly work is over at 5 on the dot. There isn’t anything pending, no phone calls to expect, no stressors during my spare time. And so I am bored. Despite the fact that I’m now technically in the fashion industry. But fashion is so rarely fun in a work environment where you’re too busy to check the fashion blogs, collections, and news. You get this feeling that people are just working… rather than living and breathing fashion. And right now my work flow is not really my own. I’m being taught how to start a project that I will eventually take over for the duration of the next collection: Resort, deliveries 1 and 2. And eh… it’s just blasé.

I miss my work flow in produce. Things were desperately urgent then. And I had my own contacts and my own tasks. And we were out of there by 2 pm. And I mean… I dunno. I guess I should be content that this new job isn’t permanent. It’s a jumping off point. But I miss produce pretty badly.

I haven’t managed to create a routine yet. Before I would exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail. But too many things have changed. It’s impossible to reclaim what once was.

I feel like everything moved more quickly then. Right now things seem slow and unimportant. Before I would go to work, work out, do something fun, sleep, then rinse and repeat.

Now I … have no structure. And I wake up ungodly late compared to my 4am of yesteryear. I wake up at 6 now. Work doesn’t even start until 8! And what a waste of time I find a one-hour lunch to be because I’m used to working hard hard hard for 3 hours, then munching and browsing the internets for small intervals then working really hard again or working and eating at the same time. It’s bizarre to set time aside to eat. For one whole fucking hour. I mean I guess if I ever have errands to run… but it would be better to just leave work earlier or have a two hour lunch to make time for exercising in the middle of the day then coming back.

But I suppose I should be grateful I was only unemployed for one month.

Things just seem so quiet.

Hm. I’m running for board member in my HOA on Monday… It’s getting a little political and the emails are flooding my inbox. Which I mean… I guess.

Right now I can tell I’m not living for myself. I’m just cycling through the motions. :\ I’m on someone else’s time right now. Waiting for triggers. And before all the things were on my own time. Ugh… Why am I such a malcontent? Adjusting to a whole new life is really finally taking its toll maybe.

I suppose just a little time will make things feel normal-esque again.


Chemical Fires

Under such disappointing times, we distract ourselves.
Showing off our petty chemical fires. They glow so wrong.
So you follow your dreams, or at least the dreams you’ve settled for.
But if you followed your dreams…

I want the answer. I want the cure for dying alone.
I thought that I was meant to be a hero.
Now they’ll all see how much I’ve grown.

Sing loud and scream and yell and raise your fists and cause an avalanche.
If you squeeze him hard enough, God might show the way.
Or if you’d just grow up,
You’d see that there’s little in this world worth screaming for.
So fall in love, and lie down.

My desk arrived yesterday. It’s super French, super classic. It’s almost ruined by the modernity of my computer but never mind that. I feel as though now I don’t ever have to leave my bedroom except to eat and make tea. I’ve been suddenly working on making my bedroom a sanctuary. Quite convenient since now I’m just at home most of the day (I still try to go out but I know that will dwindle when my funds give out from under me.)

Let’s focus on what I have been doing successfully. I’m one week away from six months vegetarian. Though I still can’t figure out for the life of my why I am… except that it’s healthier. Sort of. I’ve been nomzing on Hot Cheetos as of late. Stress relief? Nah. Just the tasteeeee. Though I’m fairly certain I’m going to cave soon on the meat front. And maybe just try to be very minimal about eating it. It’s strange though because eating certain foods appeals to me (you know, favorites/comforts) but then the thought of eating chicken or steak itself again makes me a little queasy.

Yesterday was a rough day in terms of my general level of anxiety. Today I woke up much better. More resolved to continue applying. But after hitting submit things are by and large out of my hands. And that’s a pretty scary thing especially since I need to constantly keep busy (that’s just my personality: can’t stop, won’t stop…?)… gah.

Even listening to music and watching movies feels wasteful of my time… which then becomes even more stressful… it’s very hard for me to enjoy anything unless I know all my ducks are in a row. Work first, work hard, play little bit later. :x Unemployment does not suit me AT ALL. I just want to be productive again.

“I Think It’s Going To Rain Today.”

I’m not sure how to explain the past two weeks. I feel like I am subsisting on a plane not fully connected to reality. The days are blurring together through an incoherent string of events. I can’t seem to remember when any given moment ends or begins. Everything is seemingly unconnected but as a result of a previous cause.

I resigned from my job two weeks ago, a week after returning from my meditation retreat. Honestly I know this puts me in a bad way for a little while but its in my best interest… for the long-term. But this in-between state of no routine is really strenuous. And every evening I commit to creating a routine for myself but then just… the hours slip and I have accomplished a great deal of things somehow. But… it doesn’t feel like accomplishment.

I think I should be joyous that I finally have the time to read, watch all the things on the list, visit the coffee shops… and yet, the only thing I want is to work. Work is my all-defining life purpose. There just cannot be any enjoyment when all the time is supposed to be enjoyable.

And naturally there are emotional and physical struggles permeating this weird existence of mine. I’ve managed to contract a full-time lover of sorts. Which doesn’t help either of us. But I suppose it passes the time. And it ensures that I don’t get lost in my mind during this weird transitional phase. Because I feel like given the lack of his presence I would potentially be under the influence of sleeping pills for as many hours as possible.

Despite my weightlessness and this floating feeling of ‘nothing makes sense’ I am quite grounded in my cognizance that this situation does not merit suicidal thoughts or behavior. Which is throwing me down a further rabbit hole of confusion. My instinctual behavior is suicidal, is depressed, is self-destructive. And yet I’m submitting resumes every day and maintaining some semblance of social ties (though presumably not with everyone as my ‘absence’ has been duly noted by a few friends).

And I’m trying to figure out if I’m SECRETLY unknowingly depressed or if this time I just really am not depressed?? Making hay stacks out of straw? Honestly I feel like I am gazing at the world with open eyes and blindsight. I’m fully immersed in the sea but I am oblivious to the waves. Both metaphors lead down a bad road.

I have been giving advice to my depressed friend. I’ve been shrugging off phone calls from family in which I’ve been asked if I’m honestly OK.

Honestly I don’t know. But I’ll keep going on like I’m not.

My state is just like this weather. It can’t decide between cloudy/moody/windy and hot, clear skies. It looks and feels like the temperature drops every couple of minutes and then suddenly the sun comes out to play. Then — it’s just cold again. Or is it just warm again?