denial never spoke so loud

Operating Systems.

April 16th, 2014

It’s impossible lately for me to hone in on a topic and discuss it. I’ll start off with a subject header and ever so casually divert to topics unknown. My mind’s wandering. There’s either too much or not nearly enough in/ex-ternal stimulation these days.

I’ve been sticking to my daily systems with nary a goal in sight. I do things on a daily basis knowing that I will not feel accomplished unless every single thing on my checklist gets done and that all the daily systems eventually lead to optimal results.

Time is getting blurrier by the day. So it’s hard to tell but I think I had oatmeal every morning for breakfast for a little over a week. Maybe two? Maybe just one? I can’t really remember. In any case, the oatmeal was sufficiently filling and powered me through with maximum nutrients and minimal calories. I’m also confident it helped me feel lighter and less guilty about the few indulgences I partook in.

If every item on my checklist does not get done, I feel I have failed my day. Which means some days it’s harder to get everything done… because some days I will have dinner, some days I will go to the movies, some days I procrastinate for a bit too long, etc.

It occurred to me a few days ago… I have no goals in life. My systems are a charade for my extreme lack of life goals. But I know I’m on the right track regardless. So there’s that.

It’s very strange… I miss the days when things were a bit simpler… at my previous job my schedule was variable so sometimes I worked mornings, other times nights… so there was no time to dilly dally… my exercise absolutely had to happen before/after work depending on my schedule. Now, it absolutely has to happen at nearly the same time every day. Which is LIMITING. Set schedules are killerrrrr.

But I’m doing it anyway.

  • Music while I shower
  • Podcast while I get ready
  • Work – 8 hrs of my day sucked/gone though I try to get my internet fix during the work hours so as to feel some sort of funniez (Breakfast and Lunch included here)
  • Exercise
  • Stretching
  • Meditation/Quiet Time
  • Nap – increasingly becoming OPTIONAL
  • Dinner
  • Entertainment of some kind (movie, book, tv show, internet though rare)

I just wish I had just slightly more time… To watch at least ONE educational lecture per day. Either a TED talk or a Coursera course lecture. :\

What’s weird though is that all of these things are usually fulfilling on their own. But then some days… the days I cannot seem to distract myself with this overwhelming checklist (physical fatigue, emotionally drained, etc.) … those are the dayz that feel of death.

I need to learn to be okay not meeting my whole checklist and still maintaining some semblance of NON-depression. ‘Tis a hard life.

Anyway, this post took me all day. It addressed nothing new. It borders on vaguely coerced writing. Too many things are on my mind to focus… Hence the checklist anyway.

Sie sind das Blut fließt durch meine Finger rinnen.

April 9th, 2014

Mood: excellent~

Music: Sufjan Stevens – You Are The Blood (Castanets cover).

Book: Constellation of Vital Phenomena (still!)

List form, just because.

I’m on day 3 of oatmeal for breakfast made tolerable with PB&J granola from Nature Box and sliced bananas. I feel not so sick or over-full this way as has been happening a lot to me lately.

I’ve been trying some different things with my running lately. Starting off at a faster speed seems to be key to expending my energy in the best way. One particular day I tried merely walking at a normal pace with a “high” incline and I got shin splints so bad I could barely walk let alone run after that. That was probably the worst warm up idea of all time. I always get shin splints when I try to walk too fast. Running doesn’t seem to cause the same problem. What GIVES!

At one point last week/this weekend/AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR PAST (my days start all blurring together)… I did 5.30 miles versus my standard 5. That’s an additional quarter mile! Even so, I can’t get from 5 miles to 6 miles yet. I’m working on saying I can manage 10k worth of exercise every day of the week without actually participating anywhere. That’s too much work. I just want the skill without actually having to utilize it for anything… maybe that’s weird though.

I failed to do any exercise whatsoever yesterday. BUT! Gained something else in return: da strong bondz of friendship. I feel so extremely rejuvenated it’s better than the endorphin rush of exercise.

Yesterday I drove to Granada Hills to visit Daniel Lee almost on a whim. Or out of spontaneity. Or per his casual, “It’s 2! You’re off work. LET’Z HANG” in not so fruitful words as my representation of him. It was an hour drive north listening to Sufjan Stevens and enjoying the gorgeous sun beating down at 97 degrees with the joys of AC to boot.


Despite ten minutes of I AM LOST WHERE DO YOU LIVE WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE, I finally reached his house. We grooved along to some music, chatted, proceeded to get even more lost than before, driving around, and etc. We eventually made our way to a park and picnicked. After, we headed towards a ‘specialty drink’ store… lulz, or boba really.

By 7:30 he was quite reluctant to see me leave but it was getting late. We hugged many many times and in that moment I knew exactly what sort of disconnect he was going through with his condition/illness. I was sad to leave but also a little anxious.

After four hours with Daniel I realized I had the loveliest time I’ve ever had on such short notice and without any plans predetermined.

But also after four hours I began to feel other things. Restlessness, anxiety. And this indescribable feeling that I hope I’m not clinging onto just for the sake of being clingy. And so I’m trying to create a distance between myself and this clingy feeling due to the fact that the nature of the feeling is distance itself.


March 26th, 2014

An addition to the below post. Because the sexiest fashion blogger I know JUST blogged this about an hour ago:

I’ve gotten several requests to do a post about what I eat on a daily basis. To be honest, I just eat a lot of snacks throughout the day as opposed to three solid meals. I am really passionate about breakfast though, so I usually start off with a big bowl of oatmeal made with milk and stevia or an extra-large green smoothie and some toast.

Apparently… I am doomed to smoothie or oatmeal for breakfast for the rest of my living dayz if I want to be the skinny bitch I know I can be. C’est la vie!

Anyway, my mood is SUPER MUCH IMPROVED this morning. I’m done being a little whiny bitch and instead opting for skinny bitch. (Can’t win ‘em all!)

My goals are greater than the pain of my daily systems.

Yesterday I did a little yoga, meditated, read a little and basically – relaxed, gave myself the relaxation versus fighting against it. Though it would appear I relax far more these days instead of working out hard.

Anyway, this morning I woke up about 3… didn’t get out of bed until 3:30… but it’s OK! It’s okay. I did some ab exercises and pat myself on the back for what I DID accomplish instead of what I did NOT. And my morning routine went by much easier. I wasn’t so rushed.

I had enough time to prepare my smoothie as well.

Kale, spinach, banana, strawberries, goji berries, handful diced mixed apples, almond butter, milk, protein powder, cacao superfood powder.

Then I got to work ~early~ and got my morning tasks done with extreme focus and determination.

By 8am I was pretty much finished with my work for the day. POWERING THROUGH.

Stuffed into any waking moment are moments of culture/entertainment enlightenment.

I *can* finish any TV show if I set my mind to it. I *can* listen to movie reviews if I just press play. I *can* eat healthy every day if I look at what it is I am putting into my body before the point of no return. I *can* because… I WANT TO.

Here is the grand revelation from yesterday. The things I need and the things I want have to be the same. Or else inner strugglez and turmoil will persist. And I’m all about that good life, even if it’s a hard life. It will be hard and require daily focused effort.

(UHM… Sadly I didn’t get to finish this post. But I’ve said enough anyway.)


March 25th, 2014

And by that I mean THROWS A FIT.

I can’t seem to finish any single post lately. Not even when it’s mostly pictures. I can’t focus my attention on any one thing for longer than like 30 minutes. My brain … and here I literally trailed off for about 10 minutes to crack some jokes at work and then started a list of things I need to replenish. Uhm, hello, brain, stop running off on me. It’s impossible to catch up!

You know, sometimes it’s hard reading blogs where it’s like, “what’s your morning routine?” And the response is usually something like:

Once I finally get out of bed (it takes some convincing), I begin with 10-20 min of yoga to stretch and then wash my face with two pumps of …

First of all.

My morning is like MAD DASH to the finish line. Once that alarm goes off things are no longer funny, there are NO JOKES. There is no ~moment of pause~ or reflection, as romantic as that may sound. It’s all wishful thinking.

For me? The alarm goes off. I RUN, not walk to the shower. And then it’s like every minute is calculated until I have about 15 minutes left before I need to be out the door and then I try as quietly as possible to sneak down the stairs without making the dogs bark, while in loud CLICK-CLACKING heels, breathing frantically that I need to get into the kitchen or else I will not have a good breakfast or a good morning for that matter.

Then the blog post I was reading continues:

I tend to have green smoothies or oatmeal for breakfast. My classic green smoothie: 1 cup almond milk, a bunch of kale (or spinach or chard), 1/2 avocado, 1 banana, bit of spirulina or wheatgrass, good bunch of chia seeds. For oatmeal, I’ll add honey, chia seeds or whatever nuts I have on hand.

And fine, fine. I add very similar things to my smoothie as well. But what posts like these fail to discuss is HOW IMMEDIATELY HUNGRY you will be or how fucking PLAIN oatmeal tastes (even with the addition of fruit stuffz). Have you ever tried a week of oatmeal? You want to murder yourself and the world for the creation of such a plain tasting healthy supposedly ‘filling’ food.

So sure, let’s romanticize healthy living saying you lackadaisically roll out of bed, and partake in an indeterminate amount of time on yoga and then eat this super healthy breakfast like it’s the best food in the world. D:

Maybe I’m hardcore hating right now. HATING SO HARD.

Because for me to ~slowly, hesitatingly~ roll out of bed I’d have to start at THREE AM. Cries.

And no matter how hard I try, it’s not happening. Not even when my 4am alarm clock threatens me with being FAT FOREVER. I equally turn off the 4am alarm that says “Fat Forever” and the 3am “Good morning, sunshine and rainbows!” If I need sleep, I need sleep.

Trying to reconcile all the things I *need/should* do is next to impossible with the things I *want* to do. This, here, has been my epic struggle as of late. In too many aspects to mention.

I start off with the good intention of waking up bright-eyed, starry-eyed, and wide awake. The truth is I can barely open my eyes and find myself practically sprawled on the floor from lack of energy.

According to all things WELL AND GOOD, I should every morning OIL PULL (for 15 minutes ideally), drink a glass of lukewarm water with lemon, meditate for 20 minutes, maybe read the newspaper or listen to the news, and all GOOD people exercise before work. WUTDAFUX.

Motivation and intent are there. BUT WHERE IS MY FOLLOW THROUGH? If life were a game of basketball, I’d be standing right by the 3 point line with the basket clear in sight and forgetting to shoot.

And I get it. If I worked out in the morning I would just shower and get ready for work immediately after. But as it so happens, my social life is jam-packed. Very few days are without some sort of plans. Which then means: speed home, change into exercise clothes – and then here exercise. Let’s pause the routine for a minute into another part that fitness blogs fail to mention:

HOW HARD THE “EXERCISE” portion of your day really is.

It’s this casual, “Oh you know… I bust out a quick 5 mile run with a smile on my face.”


But fitness blogs don’t tell you that. :\

Okay so then I exercise right?

And then I … HAVE TO GET READY ALL OVER AGAIN. It’s like 4am but with the sun out. MAD DASH TO SHOWER (again), blow dry the hair, pick a fucking outfit…

And I feel like this MAD DASH to get ready twice a day is ultimately ~preventable~ but it requires I get up at 3am.

And then yannoe… Feeling all good that I sacrificed the tastiness of life via smoothies, oatmeal, or salad for lunch… I go and EAT BIG for dinner with friends/family/whomever I have plans with that evening. And then it all feels like this EPIC struggle that in the end is just so nullified by one wrong deed.

I was tempted to also start a rant about how I no longer use sulfates…. no preservatives… no high fructose corn syrup… no synthetic fragrances. It’s like BY THE DAY the list of things I have to be wary and insanely avoid increases.


I suppose if it’s starting to feel like a struggle… this sort of lifestyle is costing me too much energy. Maybe I’m overwhelmed.

There are so many things I want/need to do on any given day that I just … don’t have the time.

My friend does her free time/meditation during her lunch break. I don’t really get one of those. We’re working all the time. And I feel like if I could slip some productivity into my working hours, I wouldn’t feel so burdened by having to accomplish SO MUCH in the few hours I have available to me before/after work. I work so fast. Today, for example, I finished all my work by 8am. Usually it’s by 9am though. And then I have nothing to do until about 11 or 12. That’s THREE HOURS of dead time. I can’t exactly bust out a book and start reading. Or put on my headphones and start watching TV.

But the time I waste at work doing nothing… is increasing. And it increases the burden of having to do the ACTUAL things I need to get done into a much smaller time frame.

OK. I’m done. I’m done ranting. I’m going to go eat a chicken sandwich now. Not a burger, a chicken sandwich. Because that’s the healthier alternative right?


denial never spoke so loud