RESTLESS.

From the archives of the unpublished. A post from 08 May 2011. I worked at the office in 2011. Boy, some things never change. It’s like I could have written this very post TODAY and yet my feelings have not changed… not even a little bit.

I have 32 drafts left to go. Maybe little by little the things most personal to me, that I felt I could not publish in the moment, will slowly be released from the darkness.

I’ve been feeling so restless as of late. And bored. I definitely don’t get bored easily. So I’m just not sure how to react or what to do to stop feeling this. Basically every single day needs to be full of plans. And that’s not practical. I think doing things every single day is a cover for the emotional turmoil I feel about work. OH WORK. UGH. The job itself is whatever to me. I don’t care that I’m there 10 hours a day. First one in, last one out. That’s fine, it’s part of the job. Except I don’t feel I’m getting paid on par with the job description. I didn’t go to college to earn LESS than my boss’ housekeeper. Fuck man, that sort of thing infuriates me. I feel worn out going to work knowing that I’m working so hard and yet I can only barely make ends meet. What the hell you know. That’s not okay.

UGHHHGHHAHGAL I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. I don’t feel like thinking about it anymore. It wears me out. And it puts me in the worst mood possible. This resentment is too much for me.

There’s a new concept in my life: “loose woman.”

I am not loose woman material.

But something needs to be done. Well I mean, does it really? Everyone’s life focus is about LOVE, finding the perfect person. And I mean I feel like I’m too… capricious for that. Maybe. Maybe not. I just want to TRAVEL, do things, make new friends, dance the night away. Oh dear lord I don’t even fucking know what I’m saying anymore. Love is like this ACHIEVEMENT everyone’s striving for, but I just have no … desire to set out and achieve that goal. But I also don’t want to be alone. Talking about this feels like a waste of my fucking time. And it makes me uncomfortable. It’s an area that’s very unfamiliar to me. AND… that’s all I can even bear to say.

(Though now I’m wondering if I’m not just feeling pressured to find love.)

Deprivation.

I seriously feel like slapping myself right now… I feel incredibly sleepy this morning. There’s this strange feeling that it’s hard to breathe and my eyes feel so very heavy and the only comforting thought is a nice, warm, heavy blanket atop my curled up body on my bed. I seriously wish I could feel the length of time I slept… as in, experienced sleep in real time.

Sleep to me feels like a short duration of dreaming and then suddenly waking up. It’s too quick, it happens in the blink of an eye, and when I wake up hours have gone by but I don’t feel as though I rested for as many hours as I did… and I don’t know if sleeping more would help because I’m not sure I would ‘feel‘ the additional hours anyway.

Coffee mostly acts as an eye speculum for me… and a nauseating feeling sort of washes over me at the thought of forced awakening like that. It’s torturous right? (If you should like to feel that same wave of nausea feel free to google ‘eye speculum.’)

I don’t understand how and why I am always sleepy. The moment I head home I try to throw in an errand or two so I can feel a little accomplishment but lately by 5pm I literally just cannot stay awake a moment longer. I hit the bed and out like a light. And then I’ll exercise and by my bedtime I’m not as sleepy so then I’m fucking around on my phone or trying to catch a few minutes of late night TV (a rarity for me)… and then I wake up late to make up for the missed time and then I get to work and it’s zombie all over again.

Honestly waking up at 4:30am is so not sustainable… but that’s the time I must wake up for work so it’s not like that can change.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is “When can I go back to sleep?” And it’s the thought at the back of my mind all day at work. And it’s what I think about as I’m headed home or to an errand…

Also I’d like to throw in I’m getting old. I injured my wrist (I have no idea how) and it’s been two weeks and it still isn’t healed… it cracks when I turn it side to side and there’s mild discomfort.

It’s affecting my strength and daily fitness goals.

I can’t wait for all the commotion to die down from moving and from cherry season. Everyday it’s like clean clean clean, go look at furniture, discover that I need to go buy another ‘essential’ like dish-washing liquid or yet another hand soap, etc.

Basically: I feel burnt out and tired.

Or I woke up just completely out of it this morning.

Numbers at work are dizzying and a confused mess… COME ON CHERRY SEASON, be over already.

Monopoly.

Nothing makes me feel better than a complete monopolization of my time. Or scheduling. And planning. And making all my time accounted for with an activity. It’s amazing to me how if any amount of time is unplanned it literally goes to waste… and I end up just browsing the internet or sitting around doing nothing.

But there are always so many things to do, or that I should be doing…

I even have to schedule naps… and trust me, even though I fall asleep rather quickly and easily when something like REST is running on a time crunch… every minute counts. If I don’t schedule my naps, I don’t get the rest I need. Then begins a horrible cycle of exhaustion and zombiefication.

schedule

My nap yesterday lasted about half the intended length and my plans completely changed – but for the better! :) Instead of nap & barre class I headed to a fancy dinner at Nick + Stef’s with my friend rather impromptu-like. Pretty sure the waiters thought we were on a date. I told my friend to undo some buttons to look a little more flamboyant… though he’s fairly masculine. After dinner we had a very funny incident at the movie theater but managed to watch the new Planet of the Apes film just in the nick of time!

Having the flexibility to nix all the plans and just go with the flow comes in handy, but if no magical plans materialize out of thin air, it’s crunch time.

Today will be hard, though. I already just feel like taking a nap and slipping on some comfy socks and maybe watching some mindless TV… but then it’s so easy to say that about every day and then let the fitness die out, let the book club selection go unread… etc.

Speaking of book club, I have to get through half the novel by this weekend and I am only about a quarter of the way through the whole novel…

This weekend I’ll also be spending time at the W Hotel in Hollywood immediately after work… through Sunday. On Saturday night I’ll get to see Once the musical! :) I’m pretty excited.

Despite all the upcoming fun I just feel this heavy weight of stress from work… no matter how much I try to be nice and friendly and keep on a tight faux smile it’s like pulling teeth being here. I can’t even fit in a massage (some sort of release) until next week Friday. Ughhhh… :\

Blarghhhh.

Love & Music.

“This life is the only one we’ll ever know. Why not make it everything you want it to be?”


YouTube Direct

Wang Leehom is a cutie that is familiar to me from one of my favorite films: Lust, Caution. His musical career, although known to me is largely unfamiliar. But this video is so lovely. It brings to mind fate, living very aware, parallel universes, free will, hard work and determination, multiple lives, etc. It’s short and sweet but really very profound. One must aim to live the best sort of life. I aim to live with an awareness of the effects of my decisions and I’m trying so very hard to eliminate the excess. YOLO. Lmao.

This video reminds me of two movies: Once and Begin Again, coincidentally by the same writer-director John Carney. I saw Once a few months back and just recently saw Begin Again in theaters. I’ll be seeing Once the musical next week! :)

Both Once and Begin Again tell a similar story of people coming closer together through music. Music inspires so much love in my heart so I relate in that way, even if I don’t exactly aspire to fall in love with someone through music.


YouTube Direct

Once


YouTube Direct

Begin Again

Dreamy sigh. I love music and movies and beautiful things.