denial never spoke so loud

Bad Heart

April 21st, 2014

I want to hear the sound of rain.

It’s like… things are going so very well and yet not exactly as I want them to be, all at the same time. ‘Very well’ is not enough. I’m the only one here that’s disappointing myself. Holding on to things I don’t even have a firm grasp on.

I’m getting pretty sick of disappointing myself.

I feel like I can only hold on for so much longer. The effort I am exerting is starting to be too much. I neither have the time or energy to pursue dead things.

There have been small bouts of emotional depression lately. I’m very very very worried about something as of late. And well… I’m stressed out. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I think I fucked up my left knee some days ago, overworking my muscles basically. Ugh.

Why is no amount of exercise ever enough?

My stress levels are rising right now.


‘Till I Collapse

April 17th, 2014

‘Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

- Eminem (i think…)

Nothing like a little THUG LYFE lyrix to get me going.

Yesterday night I ran 5.3 miles. Towards the tail end I mostly just felt like curling up into a ball and crying because my emotional stability was definitely questionable. I supplement physical hardship for the emotional pain I feel but try to push into the deepest possible recesses of my mind.

Before I venture into what’s causing me emotional duress (if I venture there at all) I’d like to describe my current running technique.

  •  Run at 6 mph for 2 miles – 20 minutes on the dot. (Speed: 10:00 min miles)
  • Walk at 3 mph for .25  miles – 5 minutes
  • Run at 6 mph for 1 mile – 10 minutes
  • Walk at 3 mph for .25 miles – 5 minutes
  • Run at 6 mph for .8 miles – 8 minutes
  • Walk at 3 mph for .25 miles – 5 minutes
  • Run at 6 mph for .55 miles – 5.5 minutes
  • Walk at 3 mph for .2 miles – 4 minutes

This totals to 62.5 minutes unless my math is broke. If I had the ability to straight run it I would clock in at 52 minutes on the dot. So by my number crunching I’m shorting myself a whole mile if I want to keep my time. But honestly time right now is not my main priority. Increasing and improving my endurance and speed are my main points of concern.

By the time I’ve reached mile 4, I no longer feel my heart race increasing and my sweat decreases… meaning I may be burning fewer calories, but perhaps more fat? What I think I’m going to try next is running FASTER (sprints) for those shorter distances (i.e. faster than 6 mph) to 1) keep the burn going 2) increase my speed and 3) decrease my overall time. I’d say even a week or so ago 5.5 mph was my cap. But changing my running style from slow walk/warm up to jogging from the get-go boosted my speed immediately.

I’m kinda just learning as I go. Not reading any running material because I ain’t got time for that kinda deal.

My favorite part of running is getting to listen to some dope ass hip hop music. I have very few to no thoughts while running. The extent of my thought process is: FASTER, JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER, or like ALMOST THERE. Which makes it sound… sorta sexual. RAWR. Yeah, one wishes running were that fulfilling. Sadly… no.


After googling some shit and reading this here… it’s looking like running is not in my cards today. I’mma do some of that TABATA. Or, high intensity interval training basically and this is the first time I’ve heard it called tabata training. Plus some yoga. Yoga has been strengthening my core purdy good. And if I do some arm work, the next day my biceps are more defined. After just one day of yoga! It’s magical.

THE FIX… I like that. It’s recommending longer distances done less frequently. SOOOO like if I can bust out 10k just 3x a week, I’m fucking golden, baby. Then the other 3 days I can do HIIT. Then one day I can fuck around/be like NAH I’mma be lazy. Etc. Because it most definitely happens at least once a week where I’m just like ‘this is not for me today.’

Anyway… I not feel like discussing my emotional woes.

I haven’t even written about my trip to Vegas or what happened last night with BOOK CLUB. But shiiiiiiiiiiiiit book club meeting really rejuvenated my soulllll.

I think this post has served its purpose.

Operating Systems.

April 16th, 2014

It’s impossible lately for me to hone in on a topic and discuss it. I’ll start off with a subject header and ever so casually divert to topics unknown. My mind’s wandering. There’s either too much or not nearly enough in/ex-ternal stimulation these days.

I’ve been sticking to my daily systems with nary a goal in sight. I do things on a daily basis knowing that I will not feel accomplished unless every single thing on my checklist gets done and that all the daily systems eventually lead to optimal results.

Time is getting blurrier by the day. So it’s hard to tell but I think I had oatmeal every morning for breakfast for a little over a week. Maybe two? Maybe just one? I can’t really remember. In any case, the oatmeal was sufficiently filling and powered me through with maximum nutrients and minimal calories. I’m also confident it helped me feel lighter and less guilty about the few indulgences I partook in.

If every item on my checklist does not get done, I feel I have failed my day. Which means some days it’s harder to get everything done… because some days I will have dinner, some days I will go to the movies, some days I procrastinate for a bit too long, etc.

It occurred to me a few days ago… I have no goals in life. My systems are a charade for my extreme lack of life goals. But I know I’m on the right track regardless. So there’s that.

It’s very strange… I miss the days when things were a bit simpler… at my previous job my schedule was variable so sometimes I worked mornings, other times nights… so there was no time to dilly dally… my exercise absolutely had to happen before/after work depending on my schedule. Now, it absolutely has to happen at nearly the same time every day. Which is LIMITING. Set schedules are killerrrrr.

But I’m doing it anyway.

  • Music while I shower
  • Podcast while I get ready
  • Work – 8 hrs of my day sucked/gone though I try to get my internet fix during the work hours so as to feel some sort of funniez (Breakfast and Lunch included here)
  • Exercise
  • Stretching
  • Meditation/Quiet Time
  • Nap – increasingly becoming OPTIONAL
  • Dinner
  • Entertainment of some kind (movie, book, tv show, internet though rare)

I just wish I had just slightly more time… To watch at least ONE educational lecture per day. Either a TED talk or a Coursera course lecture. :\

What’s weird though is that all of these things are usually fulfilling on their own. But then some days… the days I cannot seem to distract myself with this overwhelming checklist (physical fatigue, emotionally drained, etc.) … those are the dayz that feel of death.

I need to learn to be okay not meeting my whole checklist and still maintaining some semblance of NON-depression. ‘Tis a hard life.

Anyway, this post took me all day. It addressed nothing new. It borders on vaguely coerced writing. Too many things are on my mind to focus… Hence the checklist anyway.

Sie sind das Blut fließt durch meine Finger rinnen.

April 9th, 2014

Mood: excellent~

Music: Sufjan Stevens – You Are The Blood (Castanets cover).

Book: Constellation of Vital Phenomena (still!)

List form, just because.

I’m on day 3 of oatmeal for breakfast made tolerable with PB&J granola from Nature Box and sliced bananas. I feel not so sick or over-full this way as has been happening a lot to me lately.

I’ve been trying some different things with my running lately. Starting off at a faster speed seems to be key to expending my energy in the best way. One particular day I tried merely walking at a normal pace with a “high” incline and I got shin splints so bad I could barely walk let alone run after that. That was probably the worst warm up idea of all time. I always get shin splints when I try to walk too fast. Running doesn’t seem to cause the same problem. What GIVES!

At one point last week/this weekend/AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR PAST (my days start all blurring together)… I did 5.30 miles versus my standard 5. That’s an additional quarter mile! Even so, I can’t get from 5 miles to 6 miles yet. I’m working on saying I can manage 10k worth of exercise every day of the week without actually participating anywhere. That’s too much work. I just want the skill without actually having to utilize it for anything… maybe that’s weird though.

I failed to do any exercise whatsoever yesterday. BUT! Gained something else in return: da strong bondz of friendship. I feel so extremely rejuvenated it’s better than the endorphin rush of exercise.

Yesterday I drove to Granada Hills to visit Daniel Lee almost on a whim. Or out of spontaneity. Or per his casual, “It’s 2! You’re off work. LET’Z HANG” in not so fruitful words as my representation of him. It was an hour drive north listening to Sufjan Stevens and enjoying the gorgeous sun beating down at 97 degrees with the joys of AC to boot.


Despite ten minutes of I AM LOST WHERE DO YOU LIVE WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE, I finally reached his house. We grooved along to some music, chatted, proceeded to get even more lost than before, driving around, and etc. We eventually made our way to a park and picnicked. After, we headed towards a ‘specialty drink’ store… lulz, or boba really.

By 7:30 he was quite reluctant to see me leave but it was getting late. We hugged many many times and in that moment I knew exactly what sort of disconnect he was going through with his condition/illness. I was sad to leave but also a little anxious.

After four hours with Daniel I realized I had the loveliest time I’ve ever had on such short notice and without any plans predetermined.

But also after four hours I began to feel other things. Restlessness, anxiety. And this indescribable feeling that I hope I’m not clinging onto just for the sake of being clingy. And so I’m trying to create a distance between myself and this clingy feeling due to the fact that the nature of the feeling is distance itself.


denial never spoke so loud