Jul
31

Weekend fun — as always?

On Saturday, my Auntie Meme, my bro, and I went to the movies here in Paramount. We wanted to watch Stealth but then we saw that Sky High was playing and we had all said we would see the movie together when it came out. So first we watched Sky High and then we watched Stealth. It was kind of funny because Sky High ended at 2:15 and that was the start time for Stealth so we were right on time (got to see the previews and all). But also, I ran back to the front of the movie theater entrance and gave the guy our tickets but I felt weird being inside already and giving him our tickets so I laughed and said, “It’s our second movie.” Lol. This is the third time that Meme and I watch two movies in the same day. :D It’s cool. Hah, but for all the movies I’ve seen I still have not watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I’m determined to get someone to take meee. (:

Today, I woke up at around 8am but I was feeling down so I just went back to bed until 12pm. But my uncle George called my mom to see if my brother wanted to go to the pool at Alex’s mom’s house. Then he mentioned that he had fun with me the last time we hung out, which was sometime this week or … last weekend? — who knows [EDIT: holy shizz... it was only on Friday that we hung out. I have no concept of time]. That motivated me to get up and go to another social activity. Gosh, I need it, too. If it weren’t for going out I’d feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again. So I went and saw Lisa, Alex, and their families, respectively. Auntie Meme, auntie Maggie, and uncle Brian were all there, too. Funnn! Chris and Georgito got into the pool. (:

Then I came home and played Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory in Co-op mode with my brother. I looove the game, but I only wish my brother was better. Everytime we succeed in a mission it’s because of me and everytime we lose it’s because of him. Haha. He’s only 9; he’s too young to be as good a gamer as me. ;) Hahaha and it doesn’t take much, either, ‘cus I’m not the greatest. ;D Ooh yes, and I bought The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind because Ryan kept saying it’s the bestestest game liek evar. It’s fun! I like it so far, but I like Splinter Cell more. Next challenge: learn how to play Halo and/or Halo 2. lmao. I suuuuck. (: Next challenger for my brother: get up to Standard mode on DDR. He plays on Light and he’s pretty good. And here I thought I was hating games more and more. x.o;

I can’t wait for the Xbox 360, coming out this fall! I waaaant it. Ooh and next year the PlayStation 3 is coming out. It’s awesome; the PS3 uses the Spider-man font on its console. Ooooh but what I really am looking forward to, because it’s still mostly a secret, is the new Nintendo system, “Revolution.” The controller hasn’t even been revealed, but supposedly it will change the way we game forever. I hope it can live up to its claims. Oh yeah and all the Nintendo games from the last 20 years are going to be available on it~! Damn, so much technology!

More random things. Everyone in my family has heard on the news that GTA San Andreas is being recalled because of the interactive sex parts. o_O;; Wtf… hahaha. The rating is going to be changed to Adults Only. Siiiickness. My uncle Brian’s brother is working on the new Sims Expansion. (: He works for EA Games. Liek oh em gee! I want to talk to him and ask him so many questions about it! I haven’t gotten Sims 2 University yet because everytime I see it I say, “Ooh yeah I need to get it, but it can wait.” I haven’t played The Sims or The Sims 2 since The Sims 2 came out. I feel so bad. Too many games and not enough time to plaaaay. Lol. Ooh and on Saturday, my auntie El slept over our house and whaddya know — she bought a $2500 Sony VAIO laptop. -cries- My mouth was literally watering. I’ve wanted a Sony VAIO PC or laptop for a loooong time. -sniffles- It’s alright ‘cus I love my HP PC. And my mom lets me use her laptop. Psh, it’s all good. Hahah.

Like damn.

Jul
29

Fun fun with a side of depression!

Ackk… my uncle doesn’t arrive soon enough. As soon as he arrives my mom, my brother, my cousin, Georgito, he, and I are gonna do some stuffs. :D Yey!! I can’t wait. Ooh! the doorbell just rang. Erm, I guess, to wrap things up, sadness keep creeping up on me. I’m officially a teenager. Oh em gee!! c[: ANYway, I have serious issues in letting goooo. I mean, if I still miss Mr. Perfect then you know something is wrong with me. It’s been a year since I’ve even seen Mr. Perfect and I still think about him. -smacks myself hard- There we go. (: Buh-bye thooooughts.

short and sweet. that’s me.

Edit We rented movies; we got The Notebook (which I had not seen!!), Racing Stripes, and The Aviator (which I saw at the movies but my mom hadn’t seen it). Racing Stripes was soooo funny. I recognized almost every single voice. I’m gooood (or just a movie geek). ;D Lols. I loved The Aviator all over again. My mom thought it was like a longer version of A Beautiful Mind. My aunts that saw the movie got bored. My mom just saw their P.O.V. but she liked it! She realized that it was a more passive movie than we’re used to. There was no big explosion for an ending. xD

And er… I didn’t like The Notebook. Don’t kill me! I just find it hard to believe that they loved each other. Throughout the whole movie they were just kissing. Eww. The only thing that made me not hate it were when they were old; that seemed like love to me! © The only other scene that even came close to pulling my heartstrings was the part where they were outside the white house and arguing and Noah says that they argue – it’s what they do – and that it’ll be hard and they’ll have to work at it everyday. Aww that was so sweet because in real life people do argue. It isn’t going to be one passionate love affair for the rest of your life ya know? My auntie El answered that at the beginning they were so passionate because it was a summer love and they only had so much time, when I asked why all they did was kiss. I simply didn’t believe the actors when they told each other they loved each other.

As a matter of fact, I no longer believe in love. When someone that isn’t in your family says, “I love you,” I will no longer believe it. It’s too hard to believe. Instead of seeing the love that Noah and Allie had, all I saw was her betrayal to him when she almost married that other guy, and then her betrayal to the latter when she went back to Noah while engaged. That’s all I saw. When I watch romantic movies nowadays, all I see are the betrayals and the hurts. I picture myself being like the betrayed and it isn’t pretty. Sure they were trying to get back together, but Allie hurt too many people in the process. -shrugs-

So much for short entries.

Jul
28

Underlying Dream

“I can’t pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend.”

Hahah I feel beyond silly quoting that. He said that to me once. It’s rather melancholy to know that that never changed.

“So come on, tell me what you wanna do; I can’t wait around for you.”

Loud and clear, yes? Goodbye, Eric.

Jul
26

Deep in my Heart I’m Concealing

“Deep in my heart I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say. Scared to confess what I’m feeling, frightened you’ll slip away, you must love me.”

:’[

Normal-style entry time! The Sister Carrie essay is due today anytime before 3.00pm. I finished it yesterday. It wasn’t very difficult, but I’m not too confident that I correctly hit the topic. I hated the question because it had absolutely nothing to do with the book. There were so many things I wished to discuss, and the question asks about the setting! Anyway, Paula called me yesterday and finally I got to discuss the book~!!

I can’t decide whether I really hated the book or really liked it. It was just one of those books. Haha . . . the novel was so iono. The beginning set up the story rather well; so well, in fact that it was boring. Some time in the middle it was just a verbosely-written romance novel. Then it got interesting. I hated just about all the characters except for Drouet and the very minor character, Ames. Just about everyone ended up completely miserable. I hated Carrie, I hated Hurstwood, and I hated … yeah everyone except the two characters I mentioned. Geez, the irony, too; that Ames guy kinda had it; Carrie was so impressionable that she took in every one of his words and then did the opposite. The author was so philosophical at times! Maybe a bit too much because sometimes they felt like space-fillers or ramblings. I also didn’t agree with everything the guy was saying, but it made sense. It sounds like I hate the novel. It was really well-written, but it’s just that the characters were so ugh!

Buh-bye, the french fry. Er . . . haha.

If you’re listening …

“I’ve got an hour to find. So tell me, what do I need? What is the meaning?”

I feel so utterly hopelessly confused. Looking back, I don’t know whether to regret the year or be grateful for the experiences it brought me. It all always falls apart in the end does it not? I thought it’d hurt more, but that’s probably only because I’ve felt more hurt than this before. Pain knows no boundaries. I feel as though I should laugh at myself because I swallowed all of my words. Everything I ever told her, I should have listened and told myself because it was the same situation. Did I figure that in the end I’d turn out better than she did? Of course not, and yesterday completely proved it to me as much as a slap in the face would’ve. Everyone cheered me on and led me to believe that it was alright. But deep inside I knew the truth. The feeling was less; the idea of it felt better than it truly did. I fooled myself good.

There is another world altogether underneath my exterior. I live a private world of pain and sadness. I try not to let it affect me, but it shows. Oh, how it shows. In every smile I give, I can feel myself crumbling; I’m falling—I’m falling. I want to close my eyes, and pull the covers over my face for good measure, and cry myself to sleep—all without anyone knowing. I want to stay all alone; no, wait, I am all alone. And yet I’m still not content. I want someone to understand but am so afraid of meeting someone that does. Why, if they understand they’re no better off than I am! The irony of it all. So tell me, what do I need?

It makes no sense. I make no sense. The world spins and I watch it waiting for my turn to jump back in. I’m never going to find it am I? I’m too fucked up for any good to come this way. Oh, just leave me alone. I’ll be alright without anyone. It’s just as she said it’d be. And I’ll be just as she imagined. Already I’ve spoken of four people, five including myself, and no names have escaped my lips. What kind of a world is this? Nameless faces. Whatsername.

It’s all over. I feel as though I missed something. Did I? What is the meaning? I was unimportant wasn’t I? I was never given a second thought to. “Why does it always have to be about you?” he asked me one time. Well, isn’t it always my fault?! I provide for needless complications. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true. I find solace in expressing my worries and troubles. I believe I only did it with you anyhow. Everyone else yearns to express themselves equally, if not more so than I, but not you. When she met her, she got a taste of what I go through everyday; she even got dizzy. People talk on and on about themselves. What right have I to talk about myself when they’re so wrapped up in their tales? But with you it was different; maybe I only made it so because you never cared, but I made myself believe that it was different. I fooled myself completely. Don’t you dare tell me I get depressed when I go on about how you don’t care — you don’t!

Thinking is bad. Feeling is even worse. Emotions are for the weak. I’m awfully weak, and I hate myself. Don’t you hate me, too?

Jul
25

A Moment’s Wonderings

“It is when the feat weary and hope seems vain that the heartaches and the longings arise. Know, then, that for you is neither surfeit nor content. In your rocking chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking chair, but your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel.”

- Sister Carrie, Theodore Dreiser

Have you ever wanted to cry and found that you couldn’t? You’re surrounded by people when the overwhelming feeling of tears borders your soul; or yet, even worse, when you are all alone–rejoicing at the fact and somehow pitying yourself from it all the same–and your tears may cascade as well as from any waterfall, but you are incapable of dropping a single solitary tear or cry. The sentiment lingers, but nothing to show for it. I feel so beset with emotion whilst I ponder over all my predicaments. There is so much I wish to express but doubt that it would be understood by even a most sympathetic spirit. It is with courage that I even dare write this. But that self-same courage fails me when I need it most.

This is no bluff, I assure you. As I sat yesterday in a restaurant with my family and some of our friendly relations, by the window, I stared out at nothing with thoughts swirling in my mind. I ate my food silently, only once my attention being caught by something that one of our relations said. Had it not been that she sat next to me, I would not have even caught it. I spoke quickly and excitedly–surprising myself at my Spanish–and explained the parallels between what was going on in her, and undoubtedly in my, life with the novel I was currently reading. A small bit of insight I betrayed of myself to her. I hastily finished what I was sayign and turned once more to look out the window to think over the new developments. Feeling as though no one could truly understand my situation–or my train of thought, least of all–I did not wish to pursue a conversation with someone that would feel even the slightest bit as I did. A fit of despair rose in me and I felt myself becoming claustrophobic; I was stuck in my seat with seven other people around me and nowhere to go and nothing to say–as if I would. I could not escape what I soon grow weary of. I was becoming aware of the social aspects of my life: and oh, what a life it is!

i wish to rearrange my life and my experiences in a new order. Oh, oh! Why do things hapen as they do? If only it could be reversed much as the mirror plays its tricks on us (where we see ourselves the same, but it’s actually backwards). My body shakes in anticipation at what I write. I feel as though I may reach a point which you may understand but with my unwillingness to explain what is truly bothering me, you shan’t receive one or any. Prior to my social enlightenment or entrapment as it were, if I did not want to attend a gathering it was merely because I did not want to go; now I realize that it is as if I do not make a showing there must be some reason to it all and if not, word soon spreads like flames at my insolent behavior. Why must we speak to anyone at all? Can I not just sleep my life away? I have come to know that in my sleep my thoughts follow me. But that is not always the case so I am not reluctant to slumber; however, when natural time comes to awaken the full force of my thoughts come flooding in. Damn the broken damn upon this river. Again, entrapment advances. I see no way out.

My mind is undecided: one moment I think it best to live happily and make friends and keep up my relations while another moment I think it wise to stay alone forever; which is best? I’m trying to let you know that I’m better off on my own. Still I am hesitant to be alone; it is what I fear the most. But all the people I care to keep on calling on have long gone and perhaps I only considered them important in my past. It may be that I once held people at a higher esteem and my memory recalls them as important. With a clear head, though, I can come to the realization that they are most likely no different than the people in my life now. Whatever happened to them, and what of them, and them? Do they ever think of me and what has become of me? Most likely not; the more likely they are content with their lives and going on day by day, leaving the people they once knew behind. I can think of many examples of people that behave like the latter mentioned. Of course, names will remain only in my thoughts. I know perfectly well which category I fit in, me being the one writing this and all. I hae not yet forgotten a face. Everyone is important. Consider everyone valuable. I’ve learned that although at first glance one may not seem to strike a match with someone, you might become closer to them than anyone else.

My thoughts do have an unexplainable continuity… one probably not comprehended by any but myself; and that’s alright. I do believe that I can write forever only because I can think on and on and on. I must find a place to stop and rest or make it seem as though I have.

Hellogoodbye.

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