MonthAugust 2005


“She’s figured out all her doubts are someone else’s point of view.”

“Every time I get some ground I gotta turn myself around again.”

“I struggle with forward motion.”

“Every step you take, is a step away from where you used to be.”

“My dreams become nightmares.”

“Heavy thoughts sift through dust.”

I’ve said this before and I will say it again: I never wanted my online &* real life to intermix. Never.

Oh em gee! Blindside’s newest CD, The Great Depression came out on Tuesday. Thanks mucho to Jackiie for “introducing” me to Blindside. -cough- Haha she likes to take credit for me liking them. Nahh, she told me she liked them and then a loooong time after that I looking for some new bands to obsess over and stumbled upon them. After listening to Pitiful (which coincidentally was the first song that Jackiie heard by them, too), I fell in love with them. However, their new CD is more screaming and less singing. Why?! :[ I like their two other CD’s better. But it’s still great!

I sincerely miss a lot of my friends. The ones that actually came to mind are Justine, Jackiie, Joyce (woah what is it with the J’s?), Paula, and Kristen.

Then I started thinking about Heng! o_o; How strange… I was only remembering how that one time when my play-mommy, Valerie, was uber worried about me and then she and Heng stayed after-school to wait for me and even waited until my aunt got there. It’s beyond me why he stayed behind to wait for me and then waited with me. I was more worried about him getting in trouble for staying after-school than anything else. And also, a different time during my 10th grade school year I went to visit Lily and Jessika at the school. But what surprised me is that Heng stayed and waited for me with Paula and Ysabel. Oh right, and the guy that loooved calling me Rikku was there: Oscar. gahh. LOL. Anyway, I could’ve sworn I had heard Oscar say to Heng, “Tell her.” Tell me whaaat? Ooh but it gets more confusing. Okay, so I thought maybe he liked me, but then he calls Chelsey, whom I so rarely speak to now, for me to speak with her. Chelsey’s my friend and his ex-girlfriend. Totally threw my theory out of the water, didn’t it? (: This was pointless but I like to remember things. O_o; Haha yahh…

I’m a teenager, right?

“Until I learned to love myself I was never loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hand. It took me much too long to understand…”

My life is so strange. My age says I’m a teenager but I feel like I don’t play the part – at least not well. I don’t even look like a teenager; I look 12 and I’m shooort; I feel as though I stopped growing at age 12. l don’t act like a mature young adult (all the time); with my family, I act waaaay cutesy and hyper and not at all like a 16 1/2-year old. Around those my age, or rather in public I act waaay mature and older than I really am. Ooh yeah, I am so bi-polar. I like both ends of the spectrum and none of the the middle. I don’t experience any of the ‘normal’ teenager experiences. I hardly go out with my friends. And I never call anyone; when I’m the phone it’s only because someone has called me and when I call someone it’s usually my family. ^-^;

Okay, and here is where I get to my main point! Oh em gee. I don’t have the normal high-school experiences… I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life and had it not been for my first kiss being stolen, I’d have never been kissed either. -dies- But then two weeks ago a 23-year old guy asked me out over the phone. -gags- That was the first time a guy asked me out and it had to be so ewww, and his mind was totally off. Theeeen three weeks ago I finally spoke to my goooood friend Jon online since the summer began. We were talking about a girl that liked him and how they were probably going to get together.

Jon: she told me that she likes me
Me: so you took that as initiative [to flirt] ne?
Jon: I didn’t like her that much at first but she’s grown on me
– a lil` later –
Jon: what’s the farthest you’ve gone with a guy?
Me: er…
– a lil` later (after some persuasion on the question) –
Me: er… a kiss?
Jon: that’s it?
Me: yahh. o_O;; just one, too. hahaha
Me: never had a BF in my life LOL
Jon: your missin out
– after I say I’m ugly and him saying I’m not –
Jon: to tell you the truth I had a crush on you
Jon: little bit
Me: hahaha you’re funny
Jon: seriously not lying. that’s why I was mean to you most of the time but then it just became fun
Me: lol oh em gee! xD
Me: Hahah yahh we’re good friends (:
Jon: little crush
Jon: yeah
Me: aww you’re sweet. haha.
Jon: but I am over it…..I like nikki
Jon: lol I will still be mean to you and knock over your water next year too
Jon: don’t worry
Me: hahaha alright!! And I’ll kick your ass everytime.
– later –
Jon: mrs. 4.0
Jon: wait
Jon: miss 4.0
Jon: sry
Me: lol!! (: nahh. I’mma be marriend to mr. 4.0 one day hahaha
Jon: lol I’m Mr. 3.50
Me: =o! hahaha that’s good enough
Jon: are you trying to tell me something?
Me: huh? lol
Me: oh heyy i’mma go to sleep. really exhausted. (: ttyl~ maybe tw if you get online!!

Yes yes, that was a long, but hopefully interesting read. The only confusing part was the “trying to tell me something” bit. Was HE trying to tell ME something? Hahah it’s funny because for a while I thought I liked Jon, too. But I don’t like anyone and no one likes me (unless you count 23-year olds hahahahah). So there ya have it. That’s as far as my life goes. TEENAGER-Y ain’t it? -rolls eyes- Lol. But it’s okay that I’m like not social in that way, right? Nod your head with me.

No doubt.