MonthMarch 2006

end this game before i finish what you started

I want to see a reaction.

As I progress through The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath I am constantly reminded of myself through the emotions of Esther Greenwood. She makes me feel mentally ill. Or maybe I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately.

This morning a case of the rebounding effect happened to me. My damn alarm got turned off by none other than myself, but I went right back to REMing with only slight recollection that my alarm ever rang. My aunt awoke at 5:30am saying the same thing in less “grander” words. It’s been cold lately. I’ve been cold (mean) lately. I’ve had the cold lately. I missed two days of school this week. For some reason even though I know I didn’t fare very well while ill at home I think I should have gone anyway. I will never know what I missed.

A small part of me knows I was starving myself this week. The other part of me kept telling everyone that my cold made me lose my appetite. But I finally ate tonight. Just like a year ago … starving yourself never hurts; I like building immunities to pain.

Slowly, I’m losing all rational thought. The spark? Reading. I read a year old conversation I held with someone and I let E.H. read it … bad idea. He pulled me apart and nailed me down perfectly. I hate being known. Other times, I start spitting out other people’s opinions. Am I so passive to the point that I cease to have any unique thoughts?

Dear Esther,

You make me feel crazy.


Perhaps sleep-deprivation is another bad sign. I need to focus again. My return to the online social scene was NOT a good idea. None of it is real anyway, right? I mean, I still care about people (such as Lindsey), but at some point in time I close that IM box and they become a non-existent blur. I feel schizo right now. Or in less drastic words I might just be bi-polar. Sometimes.

I am sleepy. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow: Gym, ballet class (yey! more Russian ballet!), and then a day with my once-close friend Jackie. I feel I’m pulling away from people. Let me rejoin the social scene. Oh, isn’t that a bright idea. That notion makes me want to laugh and cry all at once in one big dramatic nervous breakdown.

Get over it.

what do you do when no one’s home? crying, crying, crying.

Wow!! It was such a laid back week last week except for the DBQ that was due on Friday. But I actually enjoyed writing it this time around – it was about the Jazz Age and we had to cite not only the documents, but also The Great Gatsby. Watch me score low just because I think I did well.

On Friday night, I was THIS close to watching Ultraviolet with EH. But then like… my aunt got home 5 mins after he left. :'[ I really realllllly want to see that movie. Another oh well to add to my collection.

Saturday I went to the gym at 7 even though I usually go at 6:30.. but my Aunt slept in too late. lmao. It was fun, though. I looove exercising. Gimme endorphins. (: Then as my Aunt had a candle party I napped. A 5-hour “nap” … yeah, I know. Oh wells. I woke up and then watched The First Wives’ Club! I looove this movie. I enjoy it every single time I watch it; it never ceases to be funny. At 9pm, my Uncle George came over with his girlfriend, Alba. Some time around 10pm we decided to go to this Guatemalan cafe called, “Antigua.” I got an Ice Blended Banana strawberry drink and a slice of chocolate cake. OH, yumm!! Some writer guy was there reading his short stories aloud. I really enjoyed listening to him. Got back home like at 11.

Sunday – I went to Morita Michiko-san’s house to interview her, but I ended up interviewing her husband, Morita Testuhiro-san! She ran away from me and hid. Lol, cute! The interview went very well, too. Then we talked a bit. When my Aunts, Meme & Maggie came to pick me up Mrs. Morita started to make udon. Mmmm, it was delicious!! Got home at 1 then started getting ready for the night.

Auntie Elle, Meme, Mary, and I went to dinner at Yamashiro (means Mountain Palace). It was beautiful!! Loved it. Hehe. By 7 we began driving to the theater and we watched Matthew Bourne’s “Swan Lake.” I liked it; it received a standing ovation. 😀 yey!

I was sick today (probably from all the late-night outings in the cold!) so I stayed home. I finished typing my transcript and yeah. (: Nice && slow day.

here’s a little confessional

Oh wow. It feels like so many things have happened all at once. It’s a mass confusion and I can’t sort out dates. In these cases lists work very well for me.

  • Family gathering at my house for my birthday.
  • Gifts included: tickets to Swan Lake (orchestra section, row b!!) and dinner to Yamashiro (you must look at this virtual tour!), clothes, money, and a photo frame with old pics of myself && best friend. ;D
  • Eleni && I worked on a project together. Rough experience ‘cus she seems to be omniscient and I felt like lower than the common dumb WOman.
  • People have shared private little confessionals with me recently. Good, bad? — I’m so bi-polar.
  • I slept over with my mom from Thurday night to Sunday.
  • Mom && I went on a shopping spree. Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle; joys of life. ♥
  • Today was a good hair day.
  • Causing drama is mentally exhausting – it makes me feel emo. 🙁

E.H. && I have been talking on the phone every once in a while now. We talk about La Sarah too much for comfort. Mayhaps I should isolate myself. Yes, indeeeeeed.

I have so many assignments to do. I’m procrastinating just sitting here not doing any of it. I’m off.