The Meaning In Makeup

I don’t feel the way I’ve ever felt.
I’m gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

But it’s a false sense of accomplishment.
Every time I quit.

Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn’t hard.
Anyone can say they’re above this all.
It takes my pain away.

I’ve never wanted to turn back time more than now. I want to go back to summer of 2004. I realllllly want to relive it and re-do everything I’ve done since then. I want to cry, I want to rip off this skin and start anew. I hate myself so much. I want to do it all over again. Maybe, maybe it’d all be different now. I’d probably be happy, like I used to be. Oh god [if there is one], why can’t these last two years have been a dream? I want to wake up happy.

In the summer of 2004 I was a size 0, I rarely got hungry [or rarely ate, depends how you view it] and that made me happy, at the very beginning of it I had not yet spoken to Eric, and we were barely moving from LA (so I hadn’t experienced the bitterness of moving, yet). But by summer’s end I had: 1] Started speaking to Eric 2] As sophomore year started, I started to eat (and now I’m a disgusting size 4) 3] I damn near almost failed H-Geom, but I managed to get C. 4] I was living in Downey.

My world has collapsed. Somewhere in between I lost myself and the personality I used to love, and the personality people used to love me for. It’s frustrating to know that I feel this way. Please don’t tell me to cheer up, be happy, or anything… because that’s what I always do. I have a smile plastered on my face. My appearance only helps feed the facade. I wish I looked as depressed as I felt, and maybe then someone would tell me to wake up and take the time to smell the roses again. I’m so sick of this.

It took me some 12 hours to decide whether this entry should be private or public. I’m trying a different kind of blogging. Even making this blog public makes me miserable. I shall shut my eyes and hope for nothing at all.

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Drown Your Thoughts

I’m not that sleepy, so since it’s been a while, I’ll blog again. I feel really bad for only blogging once every week-week and a half. I will devote myself to blogging more, promise. I hate getting all the events accumulated because then I can’t remember them as well as when they first occurred. Gah! Oh, and I feel like including emotion in this entry as opposed to the usual events-only type entries. This could get long…

Oh, great, now I can’t really remember what I did … *smacks self* I trust my DNW calendar so I’ll mention the things there. Argh, this totally sucks. Anyyyway. On the 17th, it was Takiko’s b-day from The Firey Network. I made her a b-day banner thingy. ^_^ I really hope she liked it.

Hm, I worked Mon-Thurs. so maybe that’s why I’m not really recalling any events. My furniture arrived this week, though. Mom built it and it’s all in my room, mostly organized. Now all I need is a biiiig bookshelf to match, to store all the books that are in the boxes stacked in my room. Very annoying because I really want to have my room organized. The clutter is starting to bother me greatly.

On Friday I went to Jackie’s house for one of our occasional photoshoots. Bwuahaha, quite a few are for the personal collection ‘cus we do some really stupid poses and some not-meant-to-be-seen poses. ;] LOL. We bought food at JJ’s or whatever that place is called and on the way there a gazillion cars honked. Fuhreaking! Oh, and it wasn’t for me [eww, certainly not], but for Jackiie. Meow~ She was wearing a rather sexy-ish punker outfit. It made such a stark contrast with my summer attire. It’s really funny how we always look opposite each other. I love it~! Yes, yes, I know I keep saying this, but the pics will be up at the gallery soon. T_T I’m working on a lot of sites right now, but I shall get to it eventually. Anyway, we hung out and I wore fake blue eyelashes … trying to go for the j-rocker look, but it didn’t work out too well. I look too un-evil.

Not sure when, so I’ll just include it here: I had a heart-to-heart with Mr. RudeMoodyPants. Ooh, my heart just thumped at the thought of him, but whatever. Man, I miss talking to that man so much. Some days I wish I had him here to just hug. Other days – most days – I wish I had never spoken to him, but then I wonder if I’d be as “mature” about some things without him. Haha, I’d probably be just slightly less emo without him. But I happen to like the fact that I want to kill myself every other day. Nono, it’s not sarcasm, but I’m so accustomed to hating myself, it’s become the norm. Oregon may only be one state north, but it’s never felt further.

Speaking of the Oregon scene, Eric’s best friend, Rob and I have been talking quite a bit lately. If I ever wanted to separate myself from that state entirely, I’d have to abandon two people I enjoy chatting with. Tsk, tsk… the things I get myself into. Loathing blows at my face like a harsh, strong, winter wind when he begins talking about relationships. Never do I hate myself more than when people bring up anything “normal” because I’m far from it. He asked about my views on relationships but I just gave a brief, “I’m going to be alone forever” without any further explanation. Why should I? I’ll probably have to commit suicide before I open up to anyone about my true feelings, insecurities, and thoughts. I push everyone away the more they know about me. Hah, that explains a lot [Lindsey, a different Eric, Ryan, etc.].

Ah, I also forgot when this occurred, but I went body surfing again. Oh, it was Saturday!! I remember now. On Saturday morning family and I had breakfast at Auntie Meme’s new place. Then Mom, bro, and I went to the pet store and adopted a kitten~!! :] For now, his name is C-52. LOLOL. That’ll be changed soon. Now Penguin will have a kitty-friend to play with! Mhm, then we went body surfing at Manhattan Beach. Ack, but the water there is super salty that my eyes started to burn. 🙁 On more than one occasion I swallowed water ‘cus the waves were huge. Nasty, nasty! Ick! Haha.

Then we went to dinner at Red Lobster, ‘cus Mom felt like having seafood. >_> I loved the Banana Bay Chocolate shake, though!~ It’s been a long time since we’ve had dinner there so I enjoyed it. Hm… but a comment my Aunt made totally struck a chord. I’m not sure how it came up, but she was talking about her relationships when she was my age. I was surprised and asked, “You had a boyfriend at 17?!” and she replied with a joking, “Yeah, and at 16, 15, and 14. Your mom, too. All normal girls do… oh, I’m kidding!” I wanted to hide under the table after she said that. I don’t feel like elaborating because that just means revealing more about myself, more than I’m willing to reveal aloud, even to myself.

On Sunday morning I went to Elizabeth’s house to help her sister with a webdesigning project. 🙂 It was sooo easy, I wanted to do more. Lol. Diane took us to eat at Kabuki afterward as a thank you. She and Cynthia had so much advice for me and Elizabeth. Some of it was serious and some of it was just funny. I love hanging out with them~! They remind me of slightly younger versions of my aunts. They’re super cool. Hm, and Elizabeth and I discussed birthday plans for people and she already made a list of Christmas gifts she wants to give. I was a bit shocked. Lol. She works ahead!

Grr.. Elizabeth keeps bringing up senior activities such as Winter Formal and Prom. I’m not going to any of them. ASDF;LKJASDF;LKJASDF;LKJ. I really don’t want to. No elaboration, but I just don’t want to. Aww, but she showed me the dress she’s wearing for winter formal and she’s going to look veryyy pretty! ♥ 🙂 Then I went to work. Bleh. Haha, it feels like I have to keep planning everything either before or after work. So ghey!

Oh yeah, my mom is getting the money from the house in LA that just sold sometime this week. On Friday we’re having a dinner so that my mom can give gifts [of money] to everyone in the family. All the adults are getting $4,000 and brother and I only get $1,000. That’s so unfair considering I’m practically an adult. *sigh* Oh, whatever.

Hm, so we went shopping for clothes today [supposedly], but I ended up buying 1GB RAM for my PC, a $200 cellphone [the Nokia 6682, which is a fcking badass cell, dare I say], and some casual wear at American Eagle, and some new Pumas. Lol, yeah, everything but clothes to wear for Friday. We’ll be going to Nick and Stef’s [but the one in LA] for the dinner and we’ll be arriving by limo, as we do for like everything. There will be 13 of us in all, which makes me feel as though I have a really big family. I just love all my aunts and uncles. Haha. Oh man, as a side note: I feel spoiled, but I’m really not! ^^;

Oh yah! I finished the layout for Atarashii, the hostees update log. I just have to finish some CSS and it’ll be up and running. Mkies, well, gotta wake up in 5.5 hrs so I shall be sleeping now. 🙂 Night~

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Hold Your Head High

On Wednesday, July 12th, I went to Vans Warped Tour with my friend Diana, whom I haven’t seen since the end of 8th grade! I actually purchased my ticket the day before, too. I really wanted to go to Warped Tour, but I wasn’t going to go by myself. As chance would have it, I got on Myspace and Diana had posted a bulletin asking who was going. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to meet her there. 🙂 I asked my Mommie Dearest [btw, that movie scares me] to take me to Tower Records so I could quickly run in and buy my ticket. Thank goodness I had cash at hand then.

01411_1.jpgAnyway, I met My American Heart!! ♥ Oh, Rick is gorgeous. I saw them nine days prior (Monday, July 3rd) at The Knitting Factory, and I fell in love with them, particularly Rick. Funny story about Rick, too. MAH’s guitarist left the band to pursue other interests so Rick’s been filling in for a while now. Before they performed I went to their tent and I mentioned to Dustin that I saw them with Gatsbys American Dream, and Rick happened to be standing next to him. So then I turned to Rick and I told him that I loved him. Gawd, I love the way he dances/moves when he’s on stage. Ah, and he smiled at me. Mkies, so then they signed my CD cover~! They performed at 3:25 at The Ernie Ball Stage. I ran over there and made my way to the very front. 🙂 They’re soooo good live. Larry is great on the vocals, and there is just so much energy! When they were done performing Rick was still on the stage picking up his equipment and I could not resist the urge to yell out, “Rick! I love you!!” Bwuahaha! :> He turned around, looked at me, and said, “Aw, thanks!” and THEN -drumroll- he made a heart with his hands to me. *cue me melting here* I always do that heart thing… and he did it to me! Super cute, or super cute?! I KNOW! Anyway, at 5pm they were having a signing. 🙂 At 4:45 I quickly went over there and there was already a line. Mkies, yannoe how I said Rick isn’t officially in the band? So at the signing he wasn’t there in the front with the other 4 guys. He was sitting at the back of the tent, barely visible. So anyway, I asked Larry if the guys could finish signing my CD [‘cus Rick and Dustin already had]. So of course they do and right as I’m going to take a picture with them, guess who rushes next to me?! RICK!! Yesyesyesyes. *fangirl scream* Larry says, “Hey Rick, what are you doing? You’re getting right in the middle of the picture.” He apologizes, but he rubs his hand up and down my arm and smiles at me. So we take the picture, with the wind in my hair [arghhh!], but I’m bursting of happiness on the inside. 🙂 He totally made my day more than I thought anyone else could have. ;] Oh, he’s so gorgeous. As soon as I get my gallery transferred from Dakishime.Net to, the pictures WILL be up~. ♥

Ah, I also saw Eighteen Visions, Underoath, The Academy Is…, Armor For Sleep, NOFX, and a few other bands. I was at the veryyyy front for Armor For Sleep. I could barely breathe and it was beyond hot, but I did it. 🙂 Fun, fun, funnn! Bwuahaha. Warped Tour was fuhreaking amazing. I cannot wait to go again next year. Lesson learned: wear sunblock. :3 I completely forgot and my skin peeled a few days after. Eww. My skin has never done THAT before. Haha.

On Sunday, Mom, Brother, and I went allllll 125 miles to Santa Barbara to body surf. See, our plans were just to go to Venice Beach, but it looked crowded and my brother and I are shy… sooo we made our mom drive to the next beach, and the next and the next, and so on. Bwuahaha! >:] We were going to stop at Zuma beach, but the parking lot was FULL. :o! So we just kept on driving. We stopped at Hueneme beach for like 10 mins and then kept driving. 🙂 It was quite adventurous and exciting! The waves at Santa Barbara were calm at first and then WHOOSH! they got nice. I love body surfing! Pictures coming to my gallery soon, promise~!

Hm, other than that, I’ve been working and having fun. Lol. Any day I’m not working, I’m usually out of town and doing random super exciting things. Ah, and Ivonne, a co-worker [feels funny saying co-worker] looked sunburnt when I saw her. I said, “You look tanned! Hm, I went to Warped Tour…” and she replies, “OMG! Me too!” 😉 She had the Warped Tour tan/peel just like I did. Haha. I feel like I’m living an exciting life right now. Ah, the greatness.

Please ignore the private entry below. I needed to discuss some EMOTION with myself. Lols. ;]

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I’ve Wasted So Much Time

Ooh, it’s been such a long time since I last updated. Updation time, then!

The bonfire was amazing. I hung out with my lovely Elizabeth, Jean, Pedro, and Wesley. (: At night we all took a stroll on the beach and took in the beautiful moon. Ack, but Elizabeth and Pedro tried leaving me alone with Wesley. Brilliant, guys. /endsarcasm. He’s too much like Eric for my taste. I’ve been thinking of Eric all night, but that’s irrelevant to the bonfire. Anyway, at around 9:30pm we burned a retired American flag and several people burned all homework assignments from the school year. Checho made a grand speech that sent shivers down my spine. It was so fun. Memorable. <3

The next day [Saturday] Elizabeth, David, Pedro, and I went ice-skating at Paramount Iceland. I got upset because Fidel and Wesley said they were going to come, but they chose to go to the movies together instead. [Lol, that sounds ghey!] Anyway, I still had fun ice-skating. That makes it twice this summer already. I must go back because I must conquer my fear of skating fast.

Afterwards, they all came to my house and we watched some episodes of Family Guy, watched music videos on the computer, and played videogames. Friends left at the same time I did; I needed to go to Alhambra to sleep over at my aunt’s because all my stuff was there, and that was at about 11pm. Very entertaining day, including a pillow fight in my bedroom. Haha.

Sunday, I packed all my stuff and brought it to my Mom’s house. Then we headed to Long Beach where my brother and I went swimming in the pool at my Aunt’s place. (: Very surprising because I haven’t swam in like … forever. It was okay, but I won’t readily do it again. Haha.

 One of the days inbetween the week Mom, Brother, and I went to go watch The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. I was so surprised to see Kitagawa Keiko (北川景子) in the movie!! She played a character named Reiko. She was so cute! Ah, I love her acting! The movie was great, too. It had a plot and lots of really really really awesome cars. When the movie was over it was late at night and my mother started racing back home in her Lexus. Such an exhilarating feeling to drive fast. I love the feeling of speed.

My brother got an Xbox 360. I’m pissed off, naturally. He gets absolutely everything he wants. Damn that child! Grr, but I love him too much to stay upset, but no matter. I’m going to get my own 360 soon anyway.

On Friday, Mom, Auntie Elle, Elle’s friend since high-school and her mother, and I all went to Las Vegas. We arrived rather late on Friday night and we ordered room service. On Saturday we hung out at the pool where I drank several Strawberry Virgin Margaritas. Yum~!  Then, I got my very first massage at the spa at the hotel. Zomg.  Most relaxing experience ever! It was so soothing. At first I was a little hesitant because I’d have to be completely naked, but when you’re getting the massage, it just doesn’t matter. Oh, and I totally bonded with the lady giving me the massage. Haha, she was so cool! After the massage I went into the sauna. (: At 7pm we took a limousine drive to have dinner at Circo at The Bellagio. After dinner we got on the limo again and went to The Venetian to watch Phantom of the Opera. We were in row E by the orchestra in the center~! I am proud to say that I have now seen the play twice [once in New York, and now in Las Vegas]. Oh, oh! It was so stunning. The chandelier was so gorgeous!! I loved it all over again. The play finished at midnight at which point the limo driver took us back to the hotel and I passed out from exhaustion. The next morning we had champagne brunch at the renovated Harrah’s buffet now called Flavors. Yum, yum. From there we took a trolly to Rio and while the adults gambled I had a few shirley temples and read a magazine. ^__^; Lol.

Las Vegas inspires. Lol. Yeah, they're my legs.

Today David came over and we played DDR and Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects. Then my family and I, and David, all went to Long Beach. (: He comes over so often now that he’s like part of the family. Lol.

Hm, I’m always so busy posting about what I do that I forget how I feel. I love my Livejournal for that reason; I can always express [in private] how I feel. Also, I got a new secret log elsewhere. Darkest feelings. Summer is treating me so well. ♥

Edit: Ack! I almost forgot to mention that yes, the layout is finally up! It’s very similar to the Dakishime layout, but I happen to like the style. Haha. Uhm, my sites will be up soon on I’ve already gotten two hostees [one new, and one old]. Hostees from Dakishime – please email me!!

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