Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud

Drown Your Thoughts

July 26th, 2006

I’m not that sleepy, so since it’s been a while, I’ll blog again. I feel really bad for only blogging once every week-week and a half. I will devote myself to blogging more, promise. I hate getting all the events accumulated because then I can’t remember them as well as when they first occurred. Gah! Oh, and I feel like including emotion in this entry as opposed to the usual events-only type entries. This could get long…

Oh, great, now I can’t really remember what I did … *smacks self* I trust my DNW calendar so I’ll mention the things there. Argh, this totally sucks. Anyyyway. On the 17th, it was Takiko’s b-day from The Firey Network. I made her a b-day banner thingy. ^_^ I really hope she liked it.

Hm, I worked Mon-Thurs. so maybe that’s why I’m not really recalling any events. My furniture arrived this week, though. Mom built it and it’s all in my room, mostly organized. Now all I need is a biiiig bookshelf to match, to store all the books that are in the boxes stacked in my room. Very annoying because I really want to have my room organized. The clutter is starting to bother me greatly.

On Friday I went to Jackie’s house for one of our occasional photoshoots. Bwuahaha, quite a few are for the personal collection ‘cus we do some really stupid poses and some not-meant-to-be-seen poses. ;] LOL. We bought food at JJ’s or whatever that place is called and on the way there a gazillion cars honked. Fuhreaking! Oh, and it wasn’t for me [eww, certainly not], but for Jackiie. Meow~ She was wearing a rather sexy-ish punker outfit. It made such a stark contrast with my summer attire. It’s really funny how we always look opposite each other. I love it~! Yes, yes, I know I keep saying this, but the pics will be up at the gallery soon. T_T I’m working on a lot of sites right now, but I shall get to it eventually. Anyway, we hung out and I wore fake blue eyelashes … trying to go for the j-rocker look, but it didn’t work out too well. I look too un-evil.

Not sure when, so I’ll just include it here: I had a heart-to-heart with Mr. RudeMoodyPants. Ooh, my heart just thumped at the thought of him, but whatever. Man, I miss talking to that man so much. Some days I wish I had him here to just hug. Other days – most days – I wish I had never spoken to him, but then I wonder if I’d be as “mature” about some things without him. Haha, I’d probably be just slightly less emo without him. But I happen to like the fact that I want to kill myself every other day. Nono, it’s not sarcasm, but I’m so accustomed to hating myself, it’s become the norm. Oregon may only be one state north, but it’s never felt further.

Speaking of the Oregon scene, Eric’s best friend, Rob and I have been talking quite a bit lately. If I ever wanted to separate myself from that state entirely, I’d have to abandon two people I enjoy chatting with. Tsk, tsk… the things I get myself into. Loathing blows at my face like a harsh, strong, winter wind when he begins talking about relationships. Never do I hate myself more than when people bring up anything “normal” because I’m far from it. He asked about my views on relationships but I just gave a brief, “I’m going to be alone forever” without any further explanation. Why should I? I’ll probably have to commit suicide before I open up to anyone about my true feelings, insecurities, and thoughts. I push everyone away the more they know about me. Hah, that explains a lot [Lindsey, a different Eric, Ryan, etc.].

Ah, I also forgot when this occurred, but I went body surfing again. Oh, it was Saturday!! I remember now. On Saturday morning family and I had breakfast at Auntie Meme’s new place. Then Mom, bro, and I went to the pet store and adopted a kitten~!! :] For now, his name is C-52. LOLOL. That’ll be changed soon. Now Penguin will have a kitty-friend to play with! Mhm, then we went body surfing at Manhattan Beach. Ack, but the water there is super salty that my eyes started to burn. :( On more than one occasion I swallowed water ‘cus the waves were huge. Nasty, nasty! Ick! Haha.

Then we went to dinner at Red Lobster, ‘cus Mom felt like having seafood. >_> I loved the Banana Bay Chocolate shake, though!~ It’s been a long time since we’ve had dinner there so I enjoyed it. Hm… but a comment my Aunt made totally struck a chord. I’m not sure how it came up, but she was talking about her relationships when she was my age. I was surprised and asked, “You had a boyfriend at 17?!” and she replied with a joking, “Yeah, and at 16, 15, and 14. Your mom, too. All normal girls do… oh, I’m kidding!” I wanted to hide under the table after she said that. I don’t feel like elaborating because that just means revealing more about myself, more than I’m willing to reveal aloud, even to myself.

On Sunday morning I went to Elizabeth’s house to help her sister with a webdesigning project. :) It was sooo easy, I wanted to do more. Lol. Diane took us to eat at Kabuki afterward as a thank you. She and Cynthia had so much advice for me and Elizabeth. Some of it was serious and some of it was just funny. I love hanging out with them~! They remind me of slightly younger versions of my aunts. They’re super cool. Hm, and Elizabeth and I discussed birthday plans for people and she already made a list of Christmas gifts she wants to give. I was a bit shocked. Lol. She works ahead!

Grr.. Elizabeth keeps bringing up senior activities such as Winter Formal and Prom. I’m not going to any of them. ASDF;LKJASDF;LKJASDF;LKJ. I really don’t want to. No elaboration, but I just don’t want to. Aww, but she showed me the dress she’s wearing for winter formal and she’s going to look veryyy pretty! ♥ :) Then I went to work. Bleh. Haha, it feels like I have to keep planning everything either before or after work. So ghey!

Oh yeah, my mom is getting the money from the house in LA that just sold sometime this week. On Friday we’re having a dinner so that my mom can give gifts [of money] to everyone in the family. All the adults are getting $4,000 and brother and I only get $1,000. That’s so unfair considering I’m practically an adult. *sigh* Oh, whatever.

Hm, so we went shopping for clothes today [supposedly], but I ended up buying 1GB RAM for my PC, a $200 cellphone [the Nokia 6682, which is a fcking badass cell, dare I say], and some casual wear at American Eagle, and some new Pumas. Lol, yeah, everything but clothes to wear for Friday. We’ll be going to Nick and Stef’s [but the one in LA] for the dinner and we’ll be arriving by limo, as we do for like everything. There will be 13 of us in all, which makes me feel as though I have a really big family. I just love all my aunts and uncles. Haha. Oh man, as a side note: I feel spoiled, but I’m really not! ^^;

Oh yah! I finished the layout for Atarashii, the hostees update log. I just have to finish some CSS and it’ll be up and running. Mkies, well, gotta wake up in 5.5 hrs so I shall be sleeping now. :) Night~

Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud