I don’t feel the way I’ve ever felt.
I’m gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.
But it’s a false sense of accomplishment.
Every time I quit.
Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn’t hard.
Anyone can say they’re above this all.
It takes my pain away.
I’ve never wanted to turn back time more than now. I want to go back to summer of 2004. I realllllly want to relive it and re-do everything I’ve done since then. I want to cry, I want to rip off this skin and start anew. I hate myself so much. I want to do it all over again. Maybe, maybe it’d all be different now. I’d probably be happy, like I used to be. Oh god [if there is one], why can’t these last two years have been a dream? I want to wake up happy.
In the summer of 2004 I was a size 0, I rarely got hungry [or rarely ate, depends how you view it] and that made me happy, at the very beginning of it I had not yet spoken to Eric, and we were barely moving from LA (so I hadn’t experienced the bitterness of moving, yet). But by summer’s end I had: 1] Started speaking to Eric 2] As sophomore year started, I started to eat (and now I’m a disgusting size 4) 3] I damn near almost failed H-Geom, but I managed to get C. 4] I was living in Downey.
My world has collapsed. Somewhere in between I lost myself and the personality I used to love, and the personality people used to love me for. It’s frustrating to know that I feel this way. Please don’t tell me to cheer up, be happy, or anything… because that’s what I always do. I have a smile plastered on my face. My appearance only helps feed the facade. I wish I looked as depressed as I felt, and maybe then someone would tell me to wake up and take the time to smell the roses again. I’m so sick of this.
It took me some 12 hours to decide whether this entry should be private or public. I’m trying a different kind of blogging. Even making this blog public makes me miserable. I shall shut my eyes and hope for nothing at all.