The Meaning In Makeup

I don’t feel the way I’ve ever felt.
I’m gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

But it’s a false sense of accomplishment.
Every time I quit.

Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn’t hard.
Anyone can say they’re above this all.
It takes my pain away.

I’ve never wanted to turn back time more than now. I want to go back to summer of 2004. I realllllly want to relive it and re-do everything I’ve done since then. I want to cry, I want to rip off this skin and start anew. I hate myself so much. I want to do it all over again. Maybe, maybe it’d all be different now. I’d probably be happy, like I used to be. Oh god [if there is one], why can’t these last two years have been a dream? I want to wake up happy.

In the summer of 2004 I was a size 0, I rarely got hungry [or rarely ate, depends how you view it] and that made me happy, at the very beginning of it I had not yet spoken to Eric, and we were barely moving from LA (so I hadn’t experienced the bitterness of moving, yet). But by summer’s end I had: 1] Started speaking to Eric 2] As sophomore year started, I started to eat (and now I’m a disgusting size 4) 3] I damn near almost failed H-Geom, but I managed to get C. 4] I was living in Downey.

My world has collapsed. Somewhere in between I lost myself and the personality I used to love, and the personality people used to love me for. It’s frustrating to know that I feel this way. Please don’t tell me to cheer up, be happy, or anything… because that’s what I always do. I have a smile plastered on my face. My appearance only helps feed the facade. I wish I looked as depressed as I felt, and maybe then someone would tell me to wake up and take the time to smell the roses again. I’m so sick of this.

It took me some 12 hours to decide whether this entry should be private or public. I’m trying a different kind of blogging. Even making this blog public makes me miserable. I shall shut my eyes and hope for nothing at all.

13 thoughts on “The Meaning In Makeup

  1. You’re unhappy about being a size 4, and I’m a size 6. Then should I be unhappy too? ;p

    If you keep looking depressed, then you’ll get/look older faster. When you’re 20 and have graying hair you’ll end up even more depressed. So, it’s sort of a lose-lose situation, no?

    Is this one of your emo entries? I’ve always questioned people what the whole “emo” thing is about. *totally clueless*.
    If it is, then I don’t understand why people are so against it… I’m pretty sure everyone gets like this every once in awhile… And blogging about it is pretty healthy~

    Niku wants you to take care of yourself, either way! ♥

  2. okay…i understand that you are sad…but your body is growing..and moving up from a 0 to a 4 is not a lot and I’m sure it’s healthy. I think you are being too hard on yourself. You have to stop caring about how others see you and think of you…otherwise you won’t ever be happy. Having a “smile plastered on your face” and being happy is not the same thing. When I say…be happy..i really want you to try to be happy from the inside…for yourself and nobody else. I know that you are a wonderful(& beautiful) person..i just hope you know that too~ ::BIG HUG:: ^_____^ I’m always here if you want to talk.

  3. No it’s actually beautiful that you bared your soul so much with this entry. It’s cleansing and always refreshing when you see other people, especially strangers, relate to your feelings.

  4. Hey BEST FRIEND who I haven’t talked to in like forever!!!!!!! I can’t believe we didn’t go anywhere yet. You don’t call me anymore you know that. It’s like we’re not even best friends anymore. Well, I’m in Malibu at the moment but I would love to call you when I get back. My phone keeps roaming out here, and I don’t know why. I think it’s because every single pay phone out here is Verizon. Well, txt message me if you can. I don’t think that matters iif I’m roaming or not. Ttyl Best Buddy!!!!! Oh, and can you go to my myspace page and comment on my pics? Thank u, I luv u. Byeeeee!!!!!!

  5. Disgusting size 4? Are you fucking kidding me? I know people that would kill to be that size. And even though everything sucks right now they’re gonna get better. So cheer up emo kid. It’ll work out. I promise. :]

  6. Keep it public. Total strangers can sometimes give you the best advice. Good song choice, btw 😛 I know you probably hear this a ton, but just be yourself no matter what. And also think in reality. Eating is good, it doesn’t really matter what size you are as long as you’re not obeise (sp?). Stay healthy, be happy with yourself, and try to study and understand the school subjects.

  7. I feel the exact same way sometimes. There are times i’d love to relive too. I wouldn’t mind going back to the year 2000 and starting over. hehe. It was back when the world seemed to be at peace for once, and before all that 911 crap happened.

  8. aww don’t feel down =T everybody has had the thought of going back in time to redo something but life isn’t perfect. that’s what makes life special. you should look forward in the future instead because thinking of the past won’t make a difference

    feel better ok?

  9. Wow, now not trying to bash your little blog sweetheart, now um sorry if your older then me I call everyone that. A quick question not to be rude are you anerexic or belimic, be happy with your size sweety

  10. Whoot, if I wore womens clothing, and I am not saying I do, I would probably be somewhere in the 30 sizes, lol. Yes, I am very fat. Size four is not that big (I think, or so my sister just told me), and I am sure that your social life is far much happier than you insist.

    But about posting private blogs, I wouldn’t have. This is the BLOGGING world. It is a special place where you can post your deep thoughts and not have to worry about any one in your personal life seeing, that’s why its here. If you post something as “password protected”. Then that defeats the whole purpose of a blog.

    Anyways, I hope you overocme your depression, and I would like you tell you that your website is amazing, you really did a nice job with it. Good luck in the future.

    – Phillip

    P.S., you used to live in Downey? Wow, I live in Anaheim. 🙂 And to think that bloggers live so close to me. That doesn’t mean I want to meet anyone from the internet, but wow. You’re really close. Bye // again. :/

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