Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud

Dismal Calls

August 27th, 2006

My braces were removed on Monday; it feels strange when I smile.

On Tuesday my brother and I went shopping at Target and then we headed to the movies on the condition that I’d help him with his homework. The only thing playing at that time that we hadn’t seen was Zoom.  The movie was sooo cheesy and funny in a stupid let’s-make-fun-of-this type of way. My brother and I kept looking at each other and busting out laughing because it was so TEH sucks. It was amusing to watch, though. :D

Anyway, we got home at 7:30 and by 8pm I began the tedious task of helping him write an essay on any topic of his choice. He decided to write about the time when he and I had Starbucks at 11 and went to bed at 4:30. Haha. He finished writing it at 9pm, just as I promised. He’s so fuhreaking lazy when it comes to school work!! I’m almost positive he could grow up to be intelligent, and enrolled in AP and Honors courses if only he tried harder!! Blah, another life goal, eh?

I can’t remember what I did on Wednesday so we’ll skip that day. It may have been uneventful.

I dyed my hair blonde on Thursday, though~! Bwuahaha. Yes, it is random and unexpected but I’ve been wanting to for a while. I like it! After senior pictures I might bleach it… not 100% sure yet… because I totally want something closer to platinum blonde. XD; David went with me!! At the salon, Artika, which I hiiiighly recommend,  some lady asked me if he was my boyfriend! Hahaha. Oh that made me giggle on the inside. She said, “Wow, it’s so nice of him to come to the salon with you!” I had to explain to the lady and my colorist that we’re just “best friends but not publicly” (which is how David describes our friendship). I guess you could say my group of friends are all super close, but we just haven’t specified anything.

Oh, right… we ate at a nice cafe before the salon. After the salon we went to Starbucks [for me] and Coffee Bean [for David]. xD By this time it was something like 3pm and my brother was calling to ask about my whereabouts. -_-; Mom and I haven’t been on the best of terms lately so I didn’t tell her where I was going or anything and just left in the morning. Even then, David and I went to Cerritos College for David to pay some fees for taking classes there. And theeen I got home. :D

My Auntie Elle’s b-day was on Friday. To celebrate, she invited us to have dinner at The Palm Restaurant in Downtown L.A., about two blocks from the Staple Center. Twelve of us attended, birthday girl included so it was a relaxing event with family only. Because it was her birthday, after we finished our dinner, the waitress brought in two platters of cake – worth about $100 each, I’d say – for free. It had the most delicious chocolate cake in the world. :] Ah, yeah and my linguine with white clam sauce was the bestestest. I want to go back soon! We all greatly enjoyed ourselves. Dinner cost a grand total of $1700. Delicious and worth it. :]

We went to a hotel afterwards for a small “after-party” type thing. I made the stupidest mistake of calling Rob while in the company of Eric.  I will continually ask myself why I’m so naive and stupid. I never ever expect anything from the man, but when his best friend almost positively reassured me of good things I couldn’t help but to have some sort of hope. I’m slowing destroying myself, aren’t I? What I really need to do is stop getting so close to online friends. It doesn’t do me well to dwell on what is not real.

Auntie Elle and I went to the mall after we checked out of the hotel on Saturday. We came to mom’s house and construction had already begun in my room. Mom rented movies, my favorite being Libertine. Hah, that may be due to the fact that I was feeling like shit and it was a depressing movie. I signed on for a few minutes and Rob IMed me to apologize for Eric’s behaviour. He has no reason to apologize! I’ll continue to wallow in my own misery, so whatever. I do it to myself every time; I’m the only one to blame.

I ran 2 miles on the treadmill this morning simply because I told myself not to get online. I read for a while, too. And yet, I’m still crumbling. What’s worse is that this morning as I was glancing through the BestBuy paper I noticed that Dream Theater is coming out with a new DVD and CD from one of their tours and the first thing that came to mind was, I swear, “Ooh, I really want to get this for Eric! I should order it online and just send it to him to surprise him… oh wait, HE’S AN ASS THAT TREATS ME LIKE SHIT!!!!!” It bothers me how I want to do anything and everything for a man that is so fucking ignorant of the good friendships he has. Why can’t I just let it go and forget?

Calamity

August 20th, 2006

Haha, I haven’t updated in 7 days. I ought to be ashamed! Okok, so on Monday of last week [14th] was Registration for school. I got my schedule and it’s completely messed up.

Period
1
2
3
4
5
6

Days
MTW F
MT TF
MTW F
MT TF
MTW F
MT TF
Class
German III
AP English
AP Economics
Drama I
Honors Physics
AP Statistics

First off, AP Biology, AP Chemistry and German III are all first period so it’s between one of those three. I need to consider which class is more important to me. I don’t particularly like German seeing as it’s not a Romance language nor an Asian language. I fear taking AP Bio again, but I should probably try it out again. There will be a different teacher this coming school year so that’s a relief. Hm, and as for AP Chem, I heard that none of the kids passed the AP Chem exam. Mr. Jamka is a great guy, but he isn’t the best of teachers. :\ And… drama?! I want to take Photography, not drama. Mark got photo and he doesn’t want it so I’ve made up my mind to take his spot in photo 6th period. That means AP Stats needs to go to some other period. Ack, and Honors Physics?! What do I need to know about physics? I certainly don’t want to put more meaningless material into my brain. In my opinion, physics has nothing to do with medical school. Pfft.

Anyway, I don’t know if I mentioned this or not, but for second semester of Junior year, my GPA is now officially 4.67. I received a 4 on both the AP Psych and APUSH exams. They’re certainly not 5s, but they’re better than 3s. :D So, I’m happy!!

Urgh, and as it is, friends and I have already begun thinking about colleges. Our motto is basically, “Wherever we get accepted … any UC.” xD; Okok, so we want to go to any UC just for the UC title, but can you blame us? Hm, and there are 8 medical schools in California. I might not get accepted into any of those schools initially, which is OK, but so long as they let me transfer in a few years, then I’ll be happy. Grr. My SAT scores are loooow. Like low low. Like 1750 low. And let’s not talk about SAT II. *shudders* Yeah, I’m taking SAT I again, for the third time. Talk about depressing. Hm. :(

I went to Registration with David and we ran into into Piale, Eleni, Amanda, Fidel, Wesley, Vy, and Elizabeth. :) Haha, it was strange running into my male counterpart, Fidel. He saw Vy and asked her where I was. Lolol, and Wesley has a car now. It’s so funny to see people after an entire summer of … not. :D Fidel called me to see if I wanted to hang out, but I was busy. ^_^;;

That night Mom, Step-dad, brother, and I ate dinner at some Mexican place [we eat out for every meal, swear - so I can't keep track of names]. After we went to go watch the movies, Pulse. YES! Another movie. Shoot me because I love movies. Haha.

My brother begun fifth grade on Wednesday so I had to wake up super early to walk him there. It’s literally two blocks away, but my mom likes to over-worry about him. At 2:10, I picked him up and lalala. I’m sure we went to dinner somewhere…

The construction on the bathroom is completely finished and it looks really nice. :) Now, my mom is putting marble flooring in every room, including mine even though it barely got wood flooring 2 months ago. Haha, my mom is so indecisive. Hilarious.

Thursday night I went to Jamba Juice, my brother went to Coldstone, and my mother had dinner at Rubio’s – all at The Downey Landing. Ugh, I hate small cities. The convenience of it all irks me. I like to go places and not find plazas with everything… although! Downey Landing has a Best Buy so I like it. xD

That night, Elizabeth and I were IMing each other and she wanted to go shopping the next day and she wanted me to come with. :] So I did!

08182006_001__1.jpgI woke up that morning and got ready for a day of shopping. Elizabeth and I went to the Lakewood Mall. She likes shopping at Forever 21 so we went in there first. She found a nice thin hoodie that she liked. Lol, and then she came up with the idea to dress the same on the first day of school. Haha, so then I bought one exactly like hers. 08182006_002__1.jpgWe already have beige-ish tanks to wear underneath, too. XD ROFLMFAO. It’s so middle-school, but it’s super cute! I love the idea. A bit later we went into one of my favorite stores – American Eagle. :D I was wearing jeans, a tank, and a hoodie from AE on that particular day so it was amusing to walk in there with her. She wanted another hoodie – like mine, so she got one just like it~ And, we’re wearing those on the second day of school. xD After all, Elizabeth is my “lover” or so we like to call ourselves. Haha. It’s really cute! As time progressed our shopping-weary bodies got thirsty and I treated her to a smoothie at a place she recommended. Ooh, it was delicious!!

08182006_005__1.jpgAfter we went back to her house and we were lying down in her bed together. Rofl. She decided to braid my hair for some strange reason and we talked on and on and on… etc. :] Some time at 7pm I ate dinner with her family. It was so strange because my family never eats together nor at our table. We always eat at restaurants or fast-food. Hahaha. It was interesting, though! And her dad is so funny. XD;

My mom came to pick me up later and then we went to dinner at Rubio’s [again] with Step-dad and brother. However, we ran into my step-dad’s sister and her husband. Hm, my mother used to be reallllly close to them, but ehh they drifted apart or something. It was awkward, to say the least. I kind of just sat there watching them all eat and groaning in my head at how awkward it was to run into them. They invited us to their house a few blocks away. They pretty much annoyed me because of the way they were speaking. “We’ve had parties here every Saturday since we moved in. We had 75 people in here, didn’t we?” Grr… we used to get invited to their parties every weekend, but then my mom got annoyed at them and we broke off our ties, but geez they did not need to rub it in. x.o; Eh, and my step-cousin Jonathan came a bit after. I hadn’t seen him since graduation. He looks buffer or something. Lols.

Yesterday night we went to my Uncle George’s house for a really random and also rather fancy dinner party. To sum it up, since this is getting super long, the food was completely home-made [even the blueberry mix in the sundae for dessert], the adults [I was the only non-adult there ... but I'm old enough xD] got super drunk from drinking Cosmopolitans and er… they started singing karaoke. XD It was entertaining. We slept over because mom wasn’t sober enough.

Ah, and today – finally a slow day!! Well… I work in an hour but that doesn’t count, ‘cus it fun. xD! Yeahhh… hm, I’m going to have to blog about something else pretty soon. It’s killing me inside. Ackk. Overwhelming. Also, new layout at Juillet-love.org, but I hate itttt. New layout tomorrow, promise. OH oh!! I’m getting my braces removed tomorrow. :D

Lost Be The Lost

August 13th, 2006

On Wednesday my mother had a meeting after work so she had to stay there until 9:30pm. When she arrived home brother and I let her rest for a while and then we made cute faces to convince her to take us to Starbucks… at 11pm. Bad idea, maybe. When my brother and I got home we were so hyper and whatnot. So my brother and I watched V for Vendetta [third time in less than 7 days... geez] and then we watched The Breakfast Club. By that time it was 3am-ish. I got back on my computer for a while and my brother wanted to sleep with me in my bed. But goodness, the child could not stop speaking!! He was high as a kite on caffeine, swear. So at 4am he claimed he was hungry. x_o; I made Ramen for the both of us, and Boba Milk Tea without the boba. xD; We finally got to sleep at 4:30am after I kept complaining and telling him to shut up.

I awoke at 6:30am to the sound of my mom’s cellphone ringing. Family from Guatemala were calling her at that time. Time zones mix people up, badly. I managed to fall into a light slumber once more only to be awoken once more by the door bell at 8am. Mom wants to remodel the bathroom so they came on that particular morning to do all the planning. I heard every word and I was not able to sleep again.

From there, we went to a textile store and bought marble for the floor and walls of the bathroom in a pretty beige-ish color. Favio, my ex-step-dad, invited us to breakfast so we went and ate, etc. At 4:30pm, I went to work.

That night, Thursday, Mom, brother, and I went to the movies at 9pm, after I was off work. I finally got to watch Superman; my brother had already seen it so my mom hadn’t wanted to take me, but we convinced her. She liked it more than I did. The movie did not particularly interest me simply because there was hardly any dialogue between Lex Luther and Superman. The action was also minimal and yet again, Lois didn’t fail to piss me off. Unless, you know, you like watching characters in love suffering, never get over their love, and end up miserable. Yeah, it’s not so pleasant to watch.

Friday morning, my mom picked up David and we went to the school to drop off some books, but unfortunately the offices are closed on Fridays. So, David went to the library and then we went to have breakfast at Marie Callendar’s. We got back home and I used the computer for a looong while. It was fun, considering the fact I’m never home anymore. I went to work and got out at 12am. Long day, I know. But it’s totally cool, I don’t mind.

This morning, the men started construction so my Auntie Meme came to pick me and my brother up. We took all our clothes and got ready at her place. We watched the last bit of Titantic, then headed to the movies. We watched Step Up. I loved it!! The dancing was nice~ In the beginning when scenes of ballet dancers were going by, my heart started beating really quickly and I got excited. I miss dancing! Eh, but then I’m also kind of over it. Hah, needless to say, it’s a nice movie. Go watch it!

By the time we got back to Meme’s place, it was already 5pm. We watched the first DVD of Rose Red, but I was falling asleep from exhaustion. My mom had arrived sometime inbetween the first half of the first DVD and so at 8pm we drove back home. I feel terribly like sleeping right now, but ehh, why sleep? Haha, I’m damaging myself!

Movie line from Ultra violet:
Ultraviolet asks the boy, “Are you damaged?!”

Anyyyway, I watch too many movies. I went to the movie theater twice this week and three times last week. x_o; New form of entertainment anyone? I’ll take any suggestions, although I fancy watching movies. XD;

As the new school year approaches, I’m starting to get worried. I have two novels and a play to read as well as three assignments. Time is running out. Ack, it’s time to get down to business. I cannot believe I’m going to have 5 AP classes next year. I might as well sign my deathwish. It’s going to be so … tough. The things I do… pfft.

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill

Synonym For Acquiesce

August 9th, 2006

My mother left for Vegas on Friday around noon. I then went to work at 4pm and to my surprise, I was told that I was going to close. Yeah, no notice or anything, but it was okay. My auntie Meme stopped by at around 10:30pm and then she read her book for about an hour until closing time and until after we were done counting money, etc.

Since my mom was going to be in Vegas all weekend, my auntie stayed with me over the weekend. My brother was with his dad all the while, so we didn’t have to worry about him. Mwuahaha.

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early to make the most of our day seeing as I had to work at 4pm. Auntie Meme and I went to Fabulous Burgers for breakfast. Haha, she had breakfast, but I ate a hamburger. I love eating lunch-food at breakfast. Anyway, then we headed towards to movie theater a few blocks away and we watched The Descent. I must say it was an alright movie after all. There were two “Tomb-Raider-ish” scenes that portrayed empowered females. The scenes are amusing thinking back on them. I did jump a few times, but I wish it had been scarier. Maybe I’m just getting desensitized.

I saw the preview for Saw 3!!! Zomg, I loved Saw and Saw 2. They’re so… brilliant. Plenty of scary movies are coming out later this year so I’m excited. Horror movies = love. Hopefully, if I’m quick enough I can apply to own the fanlisting for Saw 3 when it comes out. :]

Speaking of fanlistings and now getting totally off my organization: I signed up to own TheFanlistings.org approved fanlisting for My American Heart, and it was accepted~! Also, I applied for their song, The Process, and for My Chemical Romance’s Our Lady Of Sorrows. I’m excitied!! I love owning fanlistings. Haha. I’ll be working on those soon.

vendetta.jpgOkay, anyway – on Sunday morning Auntie and I rushed to Bestbuy so I could buy V For Vendetta, the 2-disc thingy, and then we rushed to the Shoe Warehouse so I could buy new navy low-top Converse. :] navyconverse.jpgMwuahaha, I absolutely LOVE them. I now have three pairs of Converse. However, from the other two, one is pink and the other is black with pink so I really wanted a different color. My Pumas are also black and pink, so I totally love these new shoes because … they’re not pink; they’re different.

At 11am David, Elizabeth, Jean, and Vy came over to my house. I arrived like 10 minutes before they did. Hah, that’s funny. It reminds me of the time I wasn’t home and David came over only to find my mom and brother home. Lmfao. Hm, so we watched V for Vendetta, started playing Monopoly but since I was going to win we stopped playing [hahaha, true story], we ordered pizza, played Jenga, some card game, and then played movie charades. :D

Friends left at 4:30 and so around 5pm Auntie Meme and I went to Long Beach to visit Auntie Elle. She hadn’t seen V so she watched that while I took a nap. I’ve been super exhausted lately from sleeping at 3am and waking up from 8-9am. Ah, oh well. Then Meme drove me back home at 8pm. My mom was already home. :]

On Monday, I felt blah and like not doing anything, but I really wanted to buy stuff, so at 3pm David, my brother, and I WALKED to Downey Landing. Oh, it was so hot outside, but we needed to get some exercise. As we walked, I found out that The Carpenters came from Downey. Hah, funny. On our merry little way there we stopped at some liquor store to “re-energize“. The way we were going it looked like we needed drinks for survival or something. Blah, that’s what happens when you don’t get any exercise.

All three of us walked into Bestbuy appreciative of the AC in there. Lol. Anyway, I bought The Breakfast Club DVD, 30 Seconds To Mars‘ A Beautiful Lie, Anberlin‘s Never Take Friendship Personal, and [for the 3rd time in my life] Alanis Morisette‘s Jagged Little Pill. I swear someone in my family always borrows the CD and then it gets all scratched up, but I have it again~!! Then we went to Coldstone Creamery. I had strawberry ice-cream with snickers and strawberries. It’s really good, so try it sometime, or make your own delicious creation~!

anberlin.jpgalanis.jpg30secstomars.jpgbreakfast_club.jpg

Yesterday I watched TV all morning. x.o; Haha, yeah I wasted my day watching Dr. 90210 and Extreme Makeover. Blood, surgery, etc. isn’t that pleasant to watch, but I was bored. Haha. Then I went to work at 4.

Hm, I finished coding version two of The Juillet Love Network, but it’s not up yet. Here’s a preview anyway:

v2sample.jpg

Also, The Juillet Love Network’s hostees update log has been up for a while. And, I updated my gift site, Cherished with a new layout and also added a bunch of new gifts that had been collecting dust on my compie.

I am finished with you.

[Edit] 08/11 – New layout. [/Edit]

Three Days Grace

August 3rd, 2006

I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But I’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

Aside from a rude comment by some “Lala” All the comments I received were so reassuring. I would really like to acknowledge that all those comments were deeply appreciated and they have helped me open my eyes to a few things, mainly the need to feel happy. Thank you.

The irony in the entry below lies in the fact that my mother read all the entries currently visible on the front page of my blog. Maybe the entries should have been private for that reason, but it is my blog, and I feel I have a right to write what I know and feel. I must admit it was difficult having my mother quote lines like, “[You] want to kill yourself every other day?” but we talked about it. Of course I only touched up on some of the reasons causing me to be “emo,” but I felt I owed her a bit of an explanation. As it turns out my 10-year old brother also read the two top entries [The Meaning In Makeup and Drown Your Thoughts] – aloud. He read them aloud to me. It was like torture. Then he gave me the cutest sad little face and asked, “Do you really want to kill yourself?” I was a bit speechless, to say the least. Ironic that the one time I feel the urge to express myself publicly, my mother reads my entries.

Anyway, on Wednesday at noon, mother and I drove to Mexico. I must say I think it’s the first time in a long time she and I have gone anywhere together without my little brother. Bonding time, you could call it. We arrived at around 2pm and ate lunch there, then took a nap in our hotel room, woke up to watch a little TV, then went to dinner for coffee and cake. When we went back to the room we watched more TV. Haha. We watched shows that we wouldn’t ordinarily bother to watch or take the time to appreciate here at home. People had been calling me all day, but because of the bad reception and the switching over of cellphone providers in Mexico I wasn’t able to hear anything until about 11pm when David and Pedro both called me at the same time. So we conference-talked and agreed to meet at my house at 8am the next day [today]. So, my mom, being understanding started driving back home at 11:30pm. We got back home at 1:30am. Hah, we spent a random 9 hours in Mexico. I love how random my family is. ♥

Today is David’s birthday. He’s finally 17, that young`n!! Haha. So he arrived at my house at 8am and Pedro got to my house at 8:30am. From there we went to deposit some money into my bank account and then we went to breakfast at some place none of us had eaten at before. I can’t even remember the name, but they had a lot of pies there. We ate, but we were too full to eat any pie. Aww. Then we went to the movie theater. :) We watched Lady in the Water and John Tucker Must Die. Before I go on reviewing the movies I must make note that manyyy scary movies are coming out soon. I’m so excited!! I LOVE horror movies. Haha. :D

Anyway, here’s what one critic said of the Lady in the Water:

Chicago Sun-Times, Jim Emerson
“…who am I to knock the work of the man who, in his own film, casts himself as a writer whose ideas will inspire a future leader who will save the world…”

Oh, goodness. Lady in the Water is quite possibly one of the suckiest movies ever. I cannot even begin to describe how stupid it was. Just don’t watch it. If you already have, I’m sorry. As for John Tucker Must Die… I LOVED it. I was laughing so much!! It was great. It’s not one of those pointless teenage movies, but it’s pretty damn funny. The ending was a bit, “Whaaaa?” at first, but after thinking it over it was very appropriate and just great~!

We went to Vegas like two weeks ago, but my mom is going again this weekend. I can’t go because I have to work on both Friday and Saturday and I’ve been there too many times in my lifetime already. I’ll be spending time with my Auntie Meme on Saturday morning, though!! I have not hung out with her since I moved out and returned to my mother’s house. Awww, I miss her so much, even though we’ve seen each other every weekend. Haha, but I miss spending just-us-time. :D

So take a chance.

Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud