MonthSeptember 2006

A Manifesto of Tangible Affection

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do?

I’m laughing at my own collapse. I happened to have lifted the sleeves to my jacket only to declare, “Oh look, I cut yesterday.” I was almost proud of the courage I had used to do it. He promptly smacked the back of my head, and I laughed again. He said, “It’s not funny. You’re going to kill yourself one of these days.” Laughter continued to ring from my lips, “I know! Isn’t it great?”

There’s nothing wrong with me. Really. My life is picture perfect! And don’t you dare use a sarcasm-detector on me.

I abhor being happy. I miss being my miserable self where I at least knew what I felt. Now it’s practically impossible to pinpoint the culprit. I also ahbor starting a lot of sentences with, “I,” but what can I do? Conceited is my middle name, but not really. You get me? Of course you don’t.

There’s a bright side to this suffering. Bipolar disorder is the genius man’s mental illness. I pray I’m bipolar. All my doubts would be answered like that -insert a finger snap- if I were.

They’re right this time. I won’t pretend to smile because inside I’m black and I am hollow.
Too bad I smile anyway.

In other news, I have one quiz and three tests this week, in addition to a debate in AP English. Am I excited? Not as much as I would have hoped. I’m losing sight of my goal; my goal has and always will be to succeed in life and live utterly alone. I can’t stand anyone loving me even though I crave it. Tell me you love me, but don’t mean it. Don’t make me meaningful. Apparently I have another middle name: unworthy.

I’m going to ruin someone’s life someday. I sense it. It’s that spidey-sense of mine. Word vomit, yo. Now I’m just rambling. Digression. It’s fun, you should try it some day.

My heart’s beating faster.

Now I fully understand her craving for attention. It’s suddenly hit me. Right in the face. Regression never felt so right. This feels so wrong. I am not profound.

Choke Back Your Tears

It’s been nine days since my last post and it’s blows me away at what can happen in nine days.

He told me, “I love you” on the phone last night. I’m speechless.

School has been amazing thus far. The days are all flying by! Homework is great, but I keep procrastinating. Most of it is fun, though. Hehe, or I’m just a dork you know?

It was my Uncle’s birthday on Saturday so we celebrated that.

David and I are best friends now. But not publicly. Hahaha, inside joke. Ah, but we’re best friends now. Ryan and I are best friends with benefits, minus the benefits. Two new best friends all in one week. I’m excited.

Elizabeth cried because of me. The day I wake up happy, I’ll be sure to tell you, promise. I love you, Elizabeth.

Eric H. came back from Marines Basic Training last week. Before he left I told him I never wanted to talk to him… and then he called me last night. I missed the man so much. I regret ever hurting him. And today he came over to visit me and he gave me a lovely little gift. Hm.

So much to say, and I’m just too exhausted to elaborate.

So Many Lies Swirling, I’m Suffocating

I suddenly feel very busy, and I want to feel the rush of having a million assignments in one night all due the next day. I only wish I had math homework already. I want to find out what statistics is all about! Yes, I say this now; I reserve complaining for later.

My counselor absolutely adores me. Schedule changes are not to be made until Monday, but she gladly changed mine all around on Thursday. 🙂  My schedule is as follows:

  1. AP Biology
    [Yes, I took this class last year, but I dropped it because the teacher Mr. Nelson cannot teach. At all. New teacher rocks. A LOT.]
  2. Art Design
    I need my year of art. This sucks. I am not artistically inclined.
  3. AP Economics
    [Mr. Glasser!!! My favorite teacher, ever. He described cost-benefit analysis using sex. Haha, awesome!]
  4. AP English
    [Mrs. Bean makes me incredibly happy. She’s the funniest, most honest teacher ever. I’m in love with her and her class.]
  5. Honors Physics
    [Yeah, two science classes because I am an idiot. I wanted two math classes, but the class I want is entirely full. *sigh* And my worst nightmare: Mr. Nelson is “teaching” this class… ]
  6. AP Statistics
    [The teacher is more than laid back. In fact, he gave us his cell # to call for help. He’s not rubbing me the right way, ‘cus he’s too confident and he has yet to teach anything.]

I had to drop German III to take AP Bio, but I am determined to stick with it this year and do well. I didn’t like German anyway.

Why must I be so insecure? I mean, I know there will always be someone better than me, hell, anyone is better than me, but I’m so competitive that being anything less than great makes me feel like a lesser person. That means, of course, I feel like a nothing, a nobody. I wish I had Eleni or Jean’s brains. Seriously. It would make my schedule that much easier.

Are You Worried?

It amazes me how much I don’t care or worry about myself. If you’re worried about me, don’t. It’s not real. No one can truly care for another person unless they love them and not one of you loves me. I wish my Aunts were here, or that I was back in Alhambra living with one of them. I need someone to hug right now. My brother runs away when I want to hug him and my mother flinches and tries to get me off her; she hates me.

I haven’t slept in 35 hours and I feel like my heart is shattering into a million pieces. I need a warmth that I shall never have.

Don’t mind me, I’m only feeling melancholy.

I finished my AP English summer homework and I return to school tomorrow to face two tests, already. I start Japanese school again on Saturday. Think positive, Bri. You always do.

Fully alive, more than most; ready to smile and love life.