Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud

Every Time I Lie Awake

October 31st, 2006

Saturday: Japanese school. Birthday party for 1-year old baby Alex. Auntie Meme’s house. Lots of movies. Slept over.

Sunday: San Dimas to go to a furniture store. Circuit City. Best Buy. Got my Xbox 360. Played.

Monday: Stayed home with Mom. Breakfast in LA. Cleaned room. :) Mom gave me a gold bracelet and earrings with aquamarine stones. <3 Movies. Saw 3. Gruesome, and I loved it.

Another week at school. Loss for words. Again.

And with the way you’ve been talking
Every word gets you a step closer to hell

[Edit] I forgot to add: Happy Halloween.

Hours slide and days go by.

Sea of Regret and No One Knows

October 27th, 2006

The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again.

I like the word “gurney.” As a matter of fact I’m replacing the words “medical bed” with gurney on the first sentence in one of my three college essays for the UC application. Oh, that thing. I should work on it some time and actually finish my 600 word. I promise to make it as profound as I possibly can.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but more so that I’ve been too apathetic to contribute a worthy entry to my blog. I’ve been wanting to go to therapy for a while now. So, I notified my mother and she says, “Just make your own appointment.” Hah, nice to know I have some sort of support on the matter. It’s great that she works for Kaiser Permanente. I want to work for Kaiser when I get older (yeah, like oh, 30, when I finish med school?).

Doubts have been crossing my mind lately. I’ve been entirely sure of my career for so many years and NOW I decide to question it. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy psychology, but more so the thought that I can excel at so many things. I’m not being conceited; I’m saying that I feel passionate for so many subjects that I feel would take me down a successful path. Lawyer, linguist, anything computer-related. The thought crossed my mind that being a lawyer would be a tremendous feat, an everyday battle; it sounds like fun. Romance languages are absolutely gorgeous! They’re all so similar that once you learn one so many doors are unlocked. :] Based on my knowledge of Spanish I can roughly translate many of the Romance languages. The only reason I’ve never wanted to pursue any career in computers is because I love it too much. Okay, so you’re asking: A true career is doing something you love, so why not? Eh, it’s a personal hobby. That’s like saying I like fishing so I should be a fisherman! It doesn’t work that way for me. My mom has always wanted me to be a nurse, too. Oh, I’m so unsure.

What’s your dream career?

The discussions in AP English make me feel englightened. I want to cling on to the discussions and be able to analyze literature the way my teacher does. The Plague by Albert Camus is the most subtle book I’ve ever read. During the summer as I read it it was the most boring terrible book ever. Now I’m warming up to it. Existentialism. Allegory to World War II. Wow. It’s breathtaking. Philosophical thought. <3

Oh yey, this is turning into a long entry!! Finally. My thoughts have returned. I feel whole again.

- “That’s it! You’re wholesome!! That’s why you’re so cute,” said Paula to me yesterday afterschool.
- At lunch I was talking to Zevin and Elizabeth about Koda Kumi, Utada Hikaru, and Ayumi when Mark just said, “Bri, you look like a little doll. A pretty, asian doll.”
- David’s sister walked in from the living room while I was reading an essay aloud, “You have the most soothing voice. Have you ever considered a job in radio?”
- “Your voice is soothing,” Rob often told me every some odd nights.
- “I love your curls. You’re so cute! Your height just adds to it, too,” Jesse told me in English some time this week.
- Randomly in any given conversation someone will just burst out and say, “You’re so cute!”
- Everyone loves my very long, gorgeous eyelashes.
- I have cute rosy cheeks.
- My lips are full and pretty-colored.
- People like my butt………. o_x; This is the most awkward compliment of all.

So I read what I just wrote and I wonder why I still hate myself. Apparently I’m this super cute little girl. Alright, I accept! ^__^;

This heat is unbearable. It’s almost winter and it’s hotter than it was in the summer. SoCal, baby. Give me some rain already!

I ♥ Eric L.

Dance Tonight, Tonight

October 22nd, 2006

I have little to nothing to say.

School has been keeping me occupied. Sleeping a lot lately. The Prestige on Friday night. I liked it! J-school on Saturday morning. Ana Gabriel concert on Saturday night at the Gibson Amphitheatre at Universal Citywalk. I was IMing on my cell through like half the concert. Hah.

So… another week of school? Fun, fun! Time has been going by very veryyy quickly.

Start the Revolution

October 15th, 2006

Ouch, it’s been forever since I last blogged. Okay, since then I’ve watched The Departed, The Marine [which is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life], The Grudge 2, and The Guardian.

I decided not to move back in with my Auntie Meme because it will definitely impose on her and I don’t want to be a bother. I missed 6 days of school. Hm. I’m over it so I rather not discuss it. It’s too exhausting to get depressed. I’ll be apathetic for a while. I’ve exhausted all emotions I have for quite a while.

School is my first priority right now. I took SAT I for a third time on Saturday. Hope I did well…

I’m too tired to even think, let alone write a comprehensible entry. This will suffice for now. I need to clear my head. Eric H. has been calling me every weekend and we talk a few times a day. He’s mightily interested in Eric L. right now… or is it an excuse to talk to me? Ah, I don’t know, but I mentioned it to Sarah (his girlfriend) and he hasn’t been calling her at all. I’m not thinking clearly. Exhausted to the extreme.

Is there any meaning to this static?

Break Me Down

October 4th, 2006

I want to disappear. The overwhelming urge to want to die is unbearable. I can’t even be left alone with my emotions; I think she’s afraid I’ll go cut myself again. It was a simple nightly stroll and a minute later she comes after me with a smile, “Do you want me to walk with you?” Walking alone means walking alone, “No. You ruined my train of thought.” She asks, “What were you thinking?” I try to lie with a smile, “Nothing yet. It was too soon.” I always smile when I lie, or in other words, I can’t lie. Hm, but my honesty is a good thing.

So here comes the realization that I need space. At my mother’s house she would get pissed off if I isolated myself, but she’d at least let me do it. My Aunt cares too much, to the point where I can’t even be left alone. Last night all I wanted to do was go outside, sit somewhere and cry. I was able to cry not once yesterday. Oh, I tried, but my cold heart didn’t allow it. I’m surprised I cried on the phone two nights ago. Usually I can say, “I cried for you,” but all that usually means is I got really sad, but nono, this time tears fell from my eyes. This is absolutely insane: I can’t even cry at funerals, but I cried to my lovely Rob. I must be losing my mind if I actually complained to the man. It’s time to knock some sense into myself. Really.

Even he realizes I’m no good for him, “I still love her, even when she makes me feel bad.” If I do that, then why bother? There’s really no point in continuing to love someone you can’t stand. I’m stuck inbetween being selfless and selfish. I never can be anything in the middle of the spectrum (but I believe this comes from my wanna-be-bi-polarity). Selfishly I want to keep him forever and ever. Hell, he’s even made me forget what love with Eric felt like and I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to do that. However, I abhor imposing on other people (even though that’s all I ever do) and so I don’t want him wasting precious time with me. He really should consider loving Aryn because it sounds as if she does. He can deny it, but they’re much closer than we’ll ever be because they’re best friends.

Tell me, when was the last time I had an uninterrupted night of full sleep? I keep waking up constantly. I slept with my iPod on last night (something I don’t think I’ve ever done) and I woke up at 3am. The song so closely reflected my mood that I think that’s why I woke up. My first thought was, “Rob’s probably asleep already. Good thing, too, because otherwise I’d have the excuse, ‘He cares about me so I can call and bother him!’” Knowing I could do nothing I listened to the next song and then fell asleep hoping never to wake up again, but that’s just wishful thinking because here I am still Fully Alive.

Maybe “alive” is a relative word. I’m completely dead on the inside… so perhaps I’m not even alive anymore. What To Do When You Are Dead.

The thought that my life is unfair (understatement) doesn’t even make me cry anymore. I block out emotions ever-so-quickly. Living with my aunt will get me happy again in no time, but I’ll say this now: it’s faux happiness. No matter how much I don’t look it, I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve stopped caring whether people believe me or not. I don’t have to show them my bruises, my scars, or even my self-inflicted wounds to prove to anyone that, “Hey! I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m depressed.” I can’t blame anyone because I always say it with a smile. I say everything with a smile so as not to worry anyone, but truthfully I want someone to care enough to worry. Of course David and Elizabeth care, but then I feel bad for putting them through that. Look, here: it’s a conundrum!

You thought you knew who I was.

Heart-Strutter.org

denial never spoke so loud