DayOctober 4, 2006

Break Me Down

I want to disappear. The overwhelming urge to want to die is unbearable. I can’t even be left alone with my emotions; I think she’s afraid I’ll go cut myself again. It was a simple nightly stroll and a minute later she comes after me with a smile, “Do you want me to walk with you?” Walking alone means walking alone, “No. You ruined my train of thought.” She asks, “What were you thinking?” I try to lie with a smile, “Nothing yet. It was too soon.” I always smile when I lie, or in other words, I can’t lie. Hm, but my honesty is a good thing.

So here comes the realization that I need space. At my mother’s house she would get pissed off if I isolated myself, but she’d at least let me do it. My Aunt cares too much, to the point where I can’t even be left alone. Last night all I wanted to do was go outside, sit somewhere and cry. I was able to cry not once yesterday. Oh, I tried, but my cold heart didn’t allow it. I’m surprised I cried on the phone two nights ago. Usually I can say, “I cried for you,” but all that usually means is I got really sad, but nono, this time tears fell from my eyes. This is absolutely insane: I can’t even cry at funerals, but I cried to my lovely Rob. I must be losing my mind if I actually complained to the man. It’s time to knock some sense into myself. Really.

Even he realizes I’m no good for him, “I still love her, even when she makes me feel bad.” If I do that, then why bother? There’s really no point in continuing to love someone you can’t stand. I’m stuck inbetween being selfless and selfish. I never can be anything in the middle of the spectrum (but I believe this comes from my wanna-be-bi-polarity). Selfishly I want to keep him forever and ever. Hell, he’s even made me forget what love with Eric felt like and I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to do that. However, I abhor imposing on other people (even though that’s all I ever do) and so I don’t want him wasting precious time with me. He really should consider loving Aryn because it sounds as if she does. He can deny it, but they’re much closer than we’ll ever be because they’re best friends.

Tell me, when was the last time I had an uninterrupted night of full sleep? I keep waking up constantly. I slept with my iPod on last night (something I don’t think I’ve ever done) and I woke up at 3am. The song so closely reflected my mood that I think that’s why I woke up. My first thought was, “Rob’s probably asleep already. Good thing, too, because otherwise I’d have the excuse, ‘He cares about me so I can call and bother him!'” Knowing I could do nothing I listened to the next song and then fell asleep hoping never to wake up again, but that’s just wishful thinking because here I am still Fully Alive.

Maybe “alive” is a relative word. I’m completely dead on the inside… so perhaps I’m not even alive anymore. What To Do When You Are Dead.

The thought that my life is unfair (understatement) doesn’t even make me cry anymore. I block out emotions ever-so-quickly. Living with my aunt will get me happy again in no time, but I’ll say this now: it’s faux happiness. No matter how much I don’t look it, I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve stopped caring whether people believe me or not. I don’t have to show them my bruises, my scars, or even my self-inflicted wounds to prove to anyone that, “Hey! I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m depressed.” I can’t blame anyone because I always say it with a smile. I say everything with a smile so as not to worry anyone, but truthfully I want someone to care enough to worry. Of course David and Elizabeth care, but then I feel bad for putting them through that. Look, here: it’s a conundrum!

You thought you knew who I was.