Failure knows my name

Auntie Maggie’s surprise baby shower was on Saturday. As I worked the room I stopped to sit at a few tables and chatted with the guests. Everyone asked what my plans for college are. I was spilling the same bullshit, aspirations that not even I believe anymore. I said I was going Pre-med, which I am, if I get accepted into a UC. There is so much self-doubt within me that I’ve lost motivation to even keep trying. I certainly do not believe I can make it anymore. I remember when I would confidently say, “I want to be a doctor! I know I can do it. I’ve got the grades and everything.” Not once did I question my ability to get accepted or pass MCATs, etc. Where did my naΓ―ve optimism go? I miss it.

Too many guests said I look older/”grown up” and pretty (as always, they claimed). By the time I was about done greeting the guests I felt entirely too nauseous for comfort. I will admit my make-up never looked better, but that can hardly make me “pretty.” Looking into the mirror today, I do look different; I can’t quite put my finger on what has changed, though.

As I sat with Ana’s sister, she asked what profession I wanted to take on. I told her, “Psychiatrist,” confidently. After all, I have wanted to be a Psychiatrist for about 5 years now. Before the start of this school year I had never been more sure of what I wanted to be. Now… I doubt it so much. I see the other majors and I want to learn languages – major in linguistics. And I know I’ve blogged about this before, so I won’t reiterate. Anyway, she asked, “So… you do believe in medication as a means to cure mental disorders?” I hesitated in my mind. Why wasn’t I sure? It’s only Chemistry (in addition to messing with peoples’ lives, my conscience added). “Only as a last resort,” I smiled at my quick reply, but if anything I need meds. “So you want to fix people’s problems eh? First you have to fix your own,” she said. Was I being paranoid, or could she see right through me? How did she know that I had come to the realization that I cannot “fix” anyone’s problems being so messed up myself, “Heh, yeah… but will you excuse me? I have to go to the restroom.” I got up immediately and went to the restroom. The mirror stared back at me with a wavering resolve. I straightened my skirt and walked back to the area of the party. I avoided her table the rest of the night. Without knowing it, she had triggered a mental discussion in my head. No post-its at hand, I was forced to take mental notes; knowing my memory, it might have been disastrous, but more on this later.

At one point when I was looking at Yendis and Dennis’ newborn baby they asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. By habit I accidentally said no. I wanted to hit myself over the head with a book. I thought they would drop it, but they kept persisting, “Oh, not one right? Haha one for the weekend and one for each day of the week.” I couldn’t easily say, “Haha… I meant to say yes, but I forgot,” so I just lightly shook my head and smiled modestly. This would not have been a problem had my Auntie Meme not been there when they asked. Again, maybe I hold too much importance to these insignificant small bits of conversation, but at the time I was wondering if any thoughts were going through her mind. She knows about himβ™₯. Maybe she wasn’t listening, but kind of hard not to when they were joking about it. Argh. Still, I felt terrible for answering so automatically. Then again, it’s easier just to say no instead of trying to explain.

Late at night close to the time that Jessica was going to leave she asked for my cell phone number. She changed significantly. ): But she’s still the saaame Jessica. She asked me if I was going to Prom and stuff. I haaate this question! I shook my head in a no and she burst out with a, “Why?!” Alright, well I have no one to go with and I never want to see myself in another dress unless I go back to being size 1. Either way she told me she would find me someone to go with. Hm. Eh. Nah. I hope she calls me soon! I would love to hang out with her. I was imagining it! It’ll be fun. It’s been a few years, actually.

I talked about computers with Tom. Lots and lots of fun! But then I got a migraine from the other adults being so loud. Hm, there’s never anyone my age. Always the little kids and the adults. I always have to find adults willing to talk to me. Gah. When I joined the conversation between my uncle George and his friend Estuardo, my Uncle got mad, but Estuardo said in my defense, “She’s high-tech. You don’t see any other girls here talking about HD.”

That night Eric H. called me. He had called me a few times during the day, but I was nowhere near my phone. As I wrote notes in my little notebook about things I felt like blogging about, we talked. He wants to get me a strange movie called, “Hard Candy.” I am very afraid.

Ryan’s letter also arrived that morning (Saturday). On the back he drew me the cutest Pikachu ever. Cassie taught him how to draw it, and he put his skills to good use. I wrote back immediately and put it in the mailbox. :] Hopefully he’ll get it soon.

Okay, lastly!! I worked on this layout literally all day yesterday (and it’s so simple-looking!!) and put it up at 11:30pm. There are so many boxes within boxes that it took forever to get everything right. Argh! The moment of joy came when I put it up and after so many hours of coding I dreaded having to fix validation errors, and it was 100% valid xhtml 1.0 transitional!!! So, it was worth it. Enjoy. Simple, but ehh. xD

Do you believe in dreams we talked about? I don’t.

7 thoughts on “Failure knows my name

  1. I love this layout. Its so simple and sophisticated looking.

    I think that you don’t necessarily need to not have problems to be a Psychiatrist – I think it would actually help because then you can sort of relate to WHY your patients would be the way they are =/

    Anyways, really, great layout and great blog =)

  2. ok, so i didnt read everything, AGAIN. but i did read about half of it. ^_^;; Love, i know how you feel. i’ve also been lacking confidence in terms of what i wanted, or what i thought i wanted at least…what your aunt said, is that necessarily true? hm, i guess so. so you can fix other ppl’s problem…can you fix your own first…i dont know. usually whenever we help others, we always suggest what we think is right or we’re always giving words of encouragement and it helps the person. yet, we are not in that person’s situation, thus we are not completely helpless. yet, if it were us in pain, would we be able to give ourselves words of encouragement just as easily as we give others? i dont know if im getting my point across very clearly XD

  3. i read the whole entry but now for some odd reason ive forgotten everything. but i can tell you this much, we’re always unsure of what we want or what we want to say. its normal and i think its a good thing that you’re still unsure. it makes you kinda work harder at everything else. πŸ˜€ hope that makes some amount of sense. if not, forgive me. im a little slow today. love the colors or your layout btw and you are quite a pretty girl. πŸ˜€ if that makes you feel any better. πŸ˜€

  4. First of all, anberlin rules my socks! I seriously cannot wait for their new album (in 2007) πŸ˜€

    Hmm, I wonder how and why you lost your motivation. You should try to get it back though, you’ll be able to face things a lot easier with a positive attitude. Don’t be insecure, think about it, set things straight. If that don’t work, get your mind off it! time to relax.
    So your friend Jessica better call you so you can go to Prom with a date! πŸ˜‰
    And still, if you don’t have anyone to go with, you should go. I’m sure it will be fun πŸ™‚

  5. Mm, I really love the layout – its a wonderful colour; the blues work really well. Aha, congrats on the validity of your coding – I’m always too afraid to check if its completely valid or not D;

  6. Hard Candy.. Sounds like an interesting movie.. Why are you scared again? Lol I hope you stop doubting yourself because really, all undergrads are in the same boat as you.. Some even change majors after their first years because they dont know what they want.. Some even change schools.. Like me..

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