Sound The Alarm

I actually sensed the gradual shift from joyous to depressed last night. The result is that I’m angry, aggravated, and apathetic today. The lack of social contact doesn’t bother me. For about a month the only person I’ve talked to would be Teekwidca (aka Ryan). And sometimes I don’t even want to talk to him. Talking does get tiring doesn’t it? As a result I told E.H. a lie and pushed him far, far away to the point that he may have blocked me and doesn’t want to see me for a while. It’s all too amusing for comfort. I smile/laugh to hide any emotions; it’s very efficient. (:

Looking back, there are 10 entries that never made it onto my blog, but I still have them. They span from July 14, 2005 to August 5, 2005. I think I’ll just quote most of one of those entries. Funny how it still applies. Hah, and I was a better writer then than I am now:

I feel so utterly hopelessly confused. Looking back, I don’t know whether to regret the year or be grateful for the experiences it brought me. It all always falls apart in the end does it not? I thought it’d hurt more, but that’s probably only because I’ve felt more hurt than this before. Pain knows no boundaries. I feel as though I should laugh at myself because I swallowed all of my words. Everything I ever told her, I should have listened and told myself because it was the same situation. Did I figure that in the end I’d turn out better than she did? Of course not, and yesterday completely proved it to me as much as a slap in the face would’ve. Everyone cheered me on and led me to believe that it was alright. But deep inside I knew the truth. The feeling was less; the idea of it felt better than it truly did. I fooled myself good.

There is another world altogether underneath my exterior. I live a private world of pain and sadness. I try not to let it affect me, but it shows. Oh, how it shows. In every smile I give, I can feel myself crumbling; I’m falling—I’m falling. I want to close my eyes, and pull the covers over my face for good measure, and cry myself to sleep—all without anyone knowing. I want to stay all alone; no, wait, I am all alone. And yet I’m still not content. I want someone to understand but am so afraid of meeting someone that does. Why, if they understand they’re no better off than I am! The irony of it all. So tell me, what do I need?

It makes no sense. I make no sense. The world spins and I watch it waiting for my turn to jump back in. I’m never going to find it am I? I’m too fucked up for any good to come this way. Oh, just leave me alone. I’ll be alright without anyone. It’s just as she said it’d be. And I’ll be just as she imagined. Already I’ve spoken of four people, five including myself, and no names have escaped my lips. What kind of a world is this? Nameless faces. Whatsername.

Thinking is bad. Feeling is even worse. Emotions are for the weak. I’m awfully weak, and I hate myself. Don’t you hate me, too?

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More eventful, however, is the birth of my Auntie Maggie and Uncle Brian’s baby Midori. ♥ She’s the cutest little baby, but I didn’t get a good picture of her. Her eyes are so asian and cuuute. Bwuahahaha, after I get over the initial jealous shock (I won’t be the only girl anymore), I’m going to love her forever and ever. :blush: Her name means Green Forest (Midori Morita). Isn’t that cute? She was born on the 21st at 7:41pm weighing something like 7lbs. (: I can’t wait to hold her!

Ah, but I must must must end on an emo note, right? That’s my “style.” Speaking of style, I brought back the smiley pack of xanga smilies that I saved. :laughing:

Uninjured, I hurt. Hurt, I feel no pain.

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6 Comments

  1. I suffer from major depression disorder and a lot of what you write rings bells with me. Have you concidered maybe going to talk to a therapist and seeing if anything is wrong? I was always anti therapy and anti medicine until just recently, but it helps so much so I don’t have sad spells and I can just be myself.
    x.x.
    C

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