MonthDecember 2006

Failure knows my name

Auntie Maggie’s surprise baby shower was on Saturday. As I worked the room I stopped to sit at a few tables and chatted with the guests. Everyone asked what my plans for college are. I was spilling the same bullshit, aspirations that not even I believe anymore. I said I was going Pre-med, which I am, if I get accepted into a UC. There is so much self-doubt within me that I’ve lost motivation to even keep trying. I certainly do not believe I can make it anymore. I remember when I would confidently say, “I want to be a doctor! I know I can do it. I’ve got the grades and everything.” Not once did I question my ability to get accepted or pass MCATs, etc. Where did my naïve optimism go? I miss it.

Too many guests said I look older/”grown up” and pretty (as always, they claimed). By the time I was about done greeting the guests I felt entirely too nauseous for comfort. I will admit my make-up never looked better, but that can hardly make me “pretty.” Looking into the mirror today, I do look different; I can’t quite put my finger on what has changed, though.

As I sat with Ana’s sister, she asked what profession I wanted to take on. I told her, “Psychiatrist,” confidently. After all, I have wanted to be a Psychiatrist for about 5 years now. Before the start of this school year I had never been more sure of what I wanted to be. Now… I doubt it so much. I see the other majors and I want to learn languages – major in linguistics. And I know I’ve blogged about this before, so I won’t reiterate. Anyway, she asked, “So… you do believe in medication as a means to cure mental disorders?” I hesitated in my mind. Why wasn’t I sure? It’s only Chemistry (in addition to messing with peoples’ lives, my conscience added). “Only as a last resort,” I smiled at my quick reply, but if anything I need meds. “So you want to fix people’s problems eh? First you have to fix your own,” she said. Was I being paranoid, or could she see right through me? How did she know that I had come to the realization that I cannot “fix” anyone’s problems being so messed up myself, “Heh, yeah… but will you excuse me? I have to go to the restroom.” I got up immediately and went to the restroom. The mirror stared back at me with a wavering resolve. I straightened my skirt and walked back to the area of the party. I avoided her table the rest of the night. Without knowing it, she had triggered a mental discussion in my head. No post-its at hand, I was forced to take mental notes; knowing my memory, it might have been disastrous, but more on this later.

At one point when I was looking at Yendis and Dennis’ newborn baby they asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. By habit I accidentally said no. I wanted to hit myself over the head with a book. I thought they would drop it, but they kept persisting, “Oh, not one right? Haha one for the weekend and one for each day of the week.” I couldn’t easily say, “Haha… I meant to say yes, but I forgot,” so I just lightly shook my head and smiled modestly. This would not have been a problem had my Auntie Meme not been there when they asked. Again, maybe I hold too much importance to these insignificant small bits of conversation, but at the time I was wondering if any thoughts were going through her mind. She knows about him♥. Maybe she wasn’t listening, but kind of hard not to when they were joking about it. Argh. Still, I felt terrible for answering so automatically. Then again, it’s easier just to say no instead of trying to explain.

Late at night close to the time that Jessica was going to leave she asked for my cell phone number. She changed significantly. ): But she’s still the saaame Jessica. She asked me if I was going to Prom and stuff. I haaate this question! I shook my head in a no and she burst out with a, “Why?!” Alright, well I have no one to go with and I never want to see myself in another dress unless I go back to being size 1. Either way she told me she would find me someone to go with. Hm. Eh. Nah. I hope she calls me soon! I would love to hang out with her. I was imagining it! It’ll be fun. It’s been a few years, actually.

I talked about computers with Tom. Lots and lots of fun! But then I got a migraine from the other adults being so loud. Hm, there’s never anyone my age. Always the little kids and the adults. I always have to find adults willing to talk to me. Gah. When I joined the conversation between my uncle George and his friend Estuardo, my Uncle got mad, but Estuardo said in my defense, “She’s high-tech. You don’t see any other girls here talking about HD.”

That night Eric H. called me. He had called me a few times during the day, but I was nowhere near my phone. As I wrote notes in my little notebook about things I felt like blogging about, we talked. He wants to get me a strange movie called, “Hard Candy.” I am very afraid.

Ryan’s letter also arrived that morning (Saturday). On the back he drew me the cutest Pikachu ever. Cassie taught him how to draw it, and he put his skills to good use. I wrote back immediately and put it in the mailbox. :] Hopefully he’ll get it soon.

Okay, lastly!! I worked on this layout literally all day yesterday (and it’s so simple-looking!!) and put it up at 11:30pm. There are so many boxes within boxes that it took forever to get everything right. Argh! The moment of joy came when I put it up and after so many hours of coding I dreaded having to fix validation errors, and it was 100% valid xhtml 1.0 transitional!!! So, it was worth it. Enjoy. Simple, but ehh. xD

Do you believe in dreams we talked about? I don’t.


December 1. College applications for UCs are all turned in. Jackie’s b-day. Day before I take a few more SAT IIs. Friday.

The entire week I’ve been more apathetic than ever I have been before. Simply, I don’t give a damn. About anything. If I prayed, I would pray to die in my sleep. Oh but this sounds entirely too morbid, and that’s never been my style. Oh, like it’s a statement. What am I talking about?! I feel slightly delusional. Why must I be so miserable? The reason lies undefined.

I took it upon myself to bake cookies twice this week. Cooking is rather enjoyable, I find. I made my little brother breakfast and dinner on Wednesday. The only problem with me cooking is that I don’t like to eat what I make; I prefer watching others enjoy it. This leaves me a little food-less, but I don’t want to stop cooking. I’ve always been more of a baker, though.

Calamity. That’s one of my favorite words. I wonder why. *scoffs*

Hm, he’s gone. Navy basic training. I want letters, soon. ♥ Letter-writing used to be so romantic. Now, we have email. What happened to this world? Even to exchange a few words with my family, we email each other. I find it amusing. Do they not have pen or paper where you are ’cause I haven’t heard from you in ages.

December. This is going to be another one of those crappy winters, just like the one of 2004 (and I make no reference to weather, here). Hello, depression! I welcome you back with open arms. Yesyes, I still hate myself.

Warn your warmth to turn away.