Symphony of Blasé

I feel stressed and apathetic all at once. I’ve been incredibly bored this weekend. I’m at my Auntie Elle’s house right now. Finally I’m out of the house. It feels like there isn’t anything to do at home anymore. And yet, I have no motivation to socialize.

Favio, Mom, little brother Chris, and I went to San Pedro for breakfast&lunch. It was freezing cold out there so I let my little brother wear my army-colored jacket and he took off his big sweater. We traded; I looked “gangster” with his sweater and he looked “emo” with the hood of my jacket on. (: Role reversal.

“Life is like photography.
It’s the negatives that make you develop.”
— Victoria

I love Rocky movies. They touch my heart.

I’m not feeling very nice. I do not tolerate false accusations. Two apologies within a few days from two people. And I don’t really care. Details, details, details. That’s something I don’t have.

Words are meaningless right now. I hate talking be it on the phone, in person, or through IMs. E.H. keeps calling me. I tell him I don’t feel like talking and so then Friday night he sent me a text saying, “When you kill yourself be sure to let me know so I can help.” He’s such an ass. Sometimes I feel bad for him so I want to be his friend, and the other times I absolutely find him annoying. When Sarah introduced me to her friends I never knew I would be this involved.

I regret ever being E.H.’s best friend (although it was for only a short period of time). Hm, and as for Ryan, I absolutely love that man. But that’s no good either. I don’t like trusting people. Currently, I don’t want any friends. It’s too much to deal with. I feel bad if I can’t get online to talk to him, and I feel stupid for emailing him two or three times a night (2-4am my time) if he’s asleep, with thoughts of mine. I’ve lost, but I don’t want to win.

Things are getting progressively worse with my mother daily. We had about two and a half months of Calm. It always disintegrates in the end.

I love my green contacts. They give me a boost of confidence. It’s funny how a simple change of appearance makes people feel uplifted. Vanity♥

As I watch Rocky II, I have a very blasé attitude about everything. It’ll pass in time, or maybe I’ll just crash under the pressure. Time. What if time isn’t circular, but occuring all at once?

I’m trying to fit a square into a circle.

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6 Comments

  1. No one else finds it rather odd that you don’t want to talk/socialize at all yet you’ll type/publish here for the entire English-speaking world to see? Perhaps its closeness you fear, and not communication.

    On a less serious note, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person on Earth who hasn’t seen the Rocky movies. Clearly I must be missing something.

  2. Not that I want to banalize your emotions, but I think pretty much everyone goes through fases like that; not wanting to connect with other people. Sometimes it can be a good thing, to fall back on yourself a bit. But make sure you reach out to the people who want to be there for you…?
    I know I feel blasé at least twice a year, but it’s like I know that it’s gonna pass.

  3. We all do feel that way at some point, and it’s not the best of feelings, but we always tend to get through it. It’s probably just hormonal.

    Take care of yourself.
    /despair

  4. ehhehe, I love pulling on my boyfriend’s sweaters that simply swim on me. I don’t know, it’s just a boost of confidence or something, I really enjoy it. 🙂 Although, I doubt he could fit in any sweater or jacket of mine. Curses to that 6 foot beast.

    I certainly hope things get better. I hate accusations as well, but two appologies in a week… I’d go crazy :s

    As for your mother: I know exactly what you’re going through. My Mother is the main reason i’m moving out and overseas in a month: she never has anything nice to say to me, and any conversation always ends up in an arguement. My Mother’s an alcoholic which mays things worse – she’s never sober, and when she is (which is perhaps … once every three months?) She’s actually decent, of course, it rarely happens, and so we never have a nice conversation. I’ve taken to living in my room simply to avoid her. :s

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