…when there’s nothing left.

Alright. I’m not any less sensitive, but I might as well blog the problems away.

My routine consists of: wake up, get ready for school, attend school. At school I go to my classes, eat at nutrition, then go home before lunch, all without talking to ANYONE. at all. not kidding. at all. If say, I do have lunch (such as on Wednesdays) I seclude myself in the library (where, I’ve noticed, only awkward geeky looking people go – and it scares me). Alright, so I go home, do homework, check stupid emails that aren’t worth checking, do a little myspacing, and then go to sleep. Yeah, even if it’s only 7:30pm by the time I’m done with that stuff, I’ll just head to sleep until the next morning when my routine recommences.

On the last day of February I went to bed, not having eaten the whole day, at ~7pm. I got a phone call at 1:45am from David wishing me a happy birthday. A good start, right? I fell back asleep and woke up at 6:30am to sounds of my mom yelling at me (like most mornings), complaining about something I’ve done, or haven’t done (like cleaned my room). I can’t remember what it was, as I was still terribly sleepy (depression does that to me). I waited for the, “Happy birthday!!!” only to receive a, “-insert yelling here- Oh by the way, happy birthday.” Typical Bri-birthday beginning. The day before, my mother had called me after-school to make an appointment with me for dinner. [That shows the distance between us] So I knew I would at least get to eat that day.

As I was getting ready, my “best friend” (I’ll explain in a while why it’s a “bff” ) Justine called me around 7am, to wish me a happy birthday. Yey? I guess. We haven’t talked since about August, so yeah. I had to keep getting ready so I said we would talk later. I then received a text message from my auntie Meme saying, “Happy birthday!! Love tia meme.” A little disappointing. But my day wasn’t getting any better, so I ceased to care at that point.

I went to school, no one knowing it was my birthday. We had presentations for AP Stats and before the beginning of a powerpoint presentation, in the dark, David yells, “Happy birthday Bri!” at which point Jesus took the lead to sing me a happy birthday. Yey! Unknown to me, it’d be the only time anyone would sing happy birthday to me the entire day. It cheered me up a bit, though.

Come tutorial, Victoria walks in and I give her her birthday present. Birthday twins, yannoe. I heard from Zevin she really liked it. I got her a concert ticket for March 10 to see Anberlin and Bayside; she likes Anberlin. I don’t give presents to receive them, so that was just whatever. However, I never really heard from her if she liked it or not. She hasn’t really spoken to me at all in months. However, I got her gift way back in January, so yeah.

At snack David surprises me with a cake~. (I very much noticed the trend that he was the only one to make any sort of “big deal” about my birthday) Then Zevin says, “It’s Victoria’s birthday, too!!” Well, clearly. I was just kind of bothered because he butted in with the story of how they woke up at 4:30am to take Victoria out to breakfast. I mean, yey for her, but it was sooo annoying when Kevin said, “Oh, you should have come with us to breakfast, too, since it’s your birthday.” Like, wtf?! Did I KNOW about it? Ugh. Anyway, on a positive note, Jean got me a present. She got me a book full of photographs (I lovelove photography) from different places in the world. Jackie stopped by to give me a really pretty pink rose with a pink ribbon on it, too.

I went to AP English, which sort of flew by, or maybe it was just that fun. I then went home and lalala. The entire day my little brother was grumpy and not even he wished me a happy birthday. *sigh* On his birthday, a week before, the whole family came over and gave him presents. He had a cake and everything. Well, since I got home at like 1, I just fell asleep. Uncle George called me to lecture me saying I need to start acting like an adult now. I might just have been too sleepy but I don’t recall him even saying anything about my birthday, only commenting that since I’m 18 now I should act like it.

Mom got home early from work (4-ish) so we could have dinner at Benihana. At least one aunt went to dinner with us: Auntie Elle. She gave me money. Anyway, on the way there all mom and Elle talked about were negative memories of me. It was a crappy ride to the restaurant. At the restaurant, at a change of pace, mom started talking about my birth and how she used to bathe me with flowers and whatnot. They said I was the cutest baby ever, yaddayadda, but that my personality makes me ugly now. Gee, thanks, right?

I mentioned to my Auntie Elle that I got a 4.0 first semester, and she said that having AP classes my standards are higher and my gpa should be over 4.0. It bummed me out and I wanted to start crying right then and there. Grades mean a lot to me and even though I could have studied more, done better or whateverthefuck, it doesn’t matter because I still got a 4.0. Eh, nothing is ever enough.

I went home in a bad mood and I went straight to bed (again, at 7pm). Auntie Maggie called a few times and left a message asking me to call her. In the voicemail she did say happy birthday, at least.

Needless to say, I pretty much didn’t get any presents from my family and the whole day was awful.

Two days after my birthday my “best friend” invited me to some arcade whatever place with mini-golf, go-carts and weird shist that I wasn’t interested in, but she wanted to go, so I said ok. I go to her house and the first thing she says is, “I want to invite my boyfriend!!” I didn’t say anything because I just don’t speak up anymore. I was upset because we were supposedly celebrating my birthday. Anyway, we got to the place at about 9pm. She ditches me and has fun whereas I literally sit at a table for 2 hours. At 11 she comes back and wonders why I’m not having fun. Wtffff. Anyway, I still haven’t mentioned it, but it was really upsetting. I had even told her that my family totally didn’t care about my birthday. It’s what best friends are for, ne? Obviously not.

Well, yesterday my auntie Meme called me and I just couldn’t bare it anymore. I started crying saying that my family didn’t even bother to visit me on my birthday. I then hung up on her; it’s my new bad habit. If my mother calls to yell at me (which is often), I just hang up. She then called my mother asking to invite me to dinner this Friday. I sent my aunt a text saying the invitation was accepted. Whatever.

Then an hour ago, my uncle calls me to repeatedly apologize because he had time on Sunday to visit me but didn’t and so now he’s asking what I want for my birthday. It’s a TAD too late. Whatever.

I’ve got absolutely no one to complain to either. Not like I just want to complain all day, but after suppressing things for this long, I think I’m just going to break. Honestly, I cry every night. On Monday, as I waited for my Mom to pick me up from school, I cried as I waited for her, I cried when I got home, and then I cried myself to sleep. EMOTIONS ARE WEAK, and I’m up for admitting that yes, I’ve become extremely weak.

My mother sent me this email today:

I’m sorry I talked to you that way in the morning. But I get worried the way you behave and the way you are procrastinating everything. I worry thinking how you are going to survive.

Isn’t that sweet? I’m don’t exaggerate when I say I wake up to yelling in the morning. And clearly, I’m not going to survive. My cause of death will be self-inflicted, of that I am almost sure.

This may seem silly, but I’ve convinced myself that Hilary Duff’s Fly is a suicide song. Read with an open mind:

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
Forget about the reasons why you can’t in life,
And start to try, cause it’s your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there’s nothing left,
And the world’s feeling hollow.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away,
Trust yourself and don’t give up,
You know you better than anyone else

And if you’re that kind of a person, the word “follow” almost sounds like swallow. *shrugs* I imagine myself standing on the edge of a cliff with the wind blowing against my skin, tears flowing downward, falling — falling faster down. I don’t think I have the words to describe the emotions I have on that cliff. I love this song. It brings me to tears just about every time. I just have to love a song that can make me feel.

You only take an interest when there’s nothing else to do.

5 thoughts on “…when there’s nothing left.

  1. “bri, be strong and don’t let them get to you. be positive and don’t cut!!!! people DO CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!”


  2. woah, this really reminds me my recent birthdays, although mine are small by choice.

    but if you’re thinking of killing yourself, forget that, you’re still young and have a lot of living left to do. 10-15 years from now and things still suck, be my guest.

    but yeah, i’ll be there for you as much as i can considering we will most likely never meet and such.

  3. Hi there, even though I may not now you in real life, I stumbled across your blog one day, and ever since I have admired your talents in web-design/graphics as well as your writing, your’e blessed with gifted talents only you have. You even inspired me to create my own blog. I read your recent entry, and Im truly sorry about your incident that occured today. May all your wishes and goals come true and may happiness fill your life and heart with joy. I sympathize for you, because I know what it feels to be invisible to people you most care about when it is an important event for you. I hope you will cheer-up and maybe we can become blog buddies one day. ::Bakes you a Cake” I just want to say, “Happy 18th Birthday!” :heart:

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