DayApril 17, 2007

Same Shit, Different Day

Did I mention I got my hair bleached two weeks ago today? Anyhow, I did. I change hair color more often than my bi-polar moods. Okay, maybe not that often, but I can’t seem to stay happy with a hair color for more than …. a short while. I wonder what that says about me.

Last year my Honors English 11 teacher had us write a letter to ourselves that would be delivered back to us a year later. Today I got back my letter. With the exception of a few omissions I’m going to post it here:

June 19, 2006

Dear Bri,

Hello future me! Ooh isn’t this reminiscent of The Lake House? Yes, the movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It’s lovely, isn’t it? I watched it on Saturday along with Nacho Libre. This assignment sure is interesting, though. I might as well just immerse myself into the required elements of the letter so that I can later feel free to ramble on and on and on and on…

Junior year rose and fell faster than the rising and setting sun; it all happened so quickly and naturally. I started off so poorly with that fail in AP BIOLOGY! It ruined my G.P.A., thanks. Sadly, I never even learned anything in that class. Apart from AP Bio, I did the best that I could, honestly. Because of that, I’m content with the grades I received all year [of course, minus the bio]. By year’s end, my grades shouldn’t be too bad. As always, I wish they were higher, but meh. Hopefully they’re good enough to get accepted somewhere… anywhere. Ack, how emo.

So here I go, I’ll dive right in. Break through the waves,
straight to the ocean floor. And although my hands
are shaking, I lie perfectly still ‘cause I’m determined

to let myself sink down and I know I’m buried too far down
to feel the warmth from the sun again.

This has been a year of failures and a few minor successes. [Note: I feel extremely emo as I right this letter, so that might be reflected in my choice of words, unfortunately.] My friendship, if it can even be called that, with Omitted name deteriorated completely this school year. That puts me in the most melancholy of moods. I still wish things had progressed. Omitted name symbolizes the complete, utter failure in me.

I’m alone and I can’t blame anyone but you.
Self-loathing once filled me but now I know the truth.

Here’s another failure: Jackie and I were not as close this year as we were in 10th grade simply because I moved out from Imperial. My excuse was no time, which is 100% true. It makes me feel bad, though. And then my best friend Justine and I also grew further apart this school year. Well, at first it was closer because I lived at 4427, but when I moved to Alhambra all our outings stopped. This summer if we don’t hang out, I’m the worst friend ever. Aigoo chamna! I suppose to balance this I need to include a few successes to match the failures. Once more I decided to hang out with Elizabeth, Jean, David, Pedro, and Vy. Elizabeth and I definitely got closer this year. Sometime towards the end of the year I started confiding in her. While she might enforce some of her own thoughts on me, I appreciate the different perspective and her listening to me. It took David all year to finally figure out I actually am emo, despite my always smiling face. My smiling mask is so so annoying. Anyway, I like my bunch of friends [but secretly – I still miss my friends from Downtown Magnet High]. I feel like I cut a bad deal this year. It was an exchange of friends almost. All year it’s felt right, but evaluating it now, I feel gypped. I’ve been robbed of valuable friends by no one’s fault, but my own. That and circumstances. Move along.

Hm, I opted to stop going to J-school this year. But I believe I’ll be starting again in September so all is well in extra curricular activity world. I went out with my family a lot this year. It makes me happy! ^__^; It’s funny how I prefer to go out with family instead of friends. Ah wells~ I wasn’t sure where to include this, but my iPod currently has over 4,000 songs. Ooh yeah! ;] Hehe. Uhh… I remember an awkward Thanksgiving because I wasn’t speaking to my mother then. Christmas was ruined for the first time this year and I had to open my gifts in the morning. Pfft! That made me upset. This sure is a randumb paragraph. Forserious. And yes, I’m trying to capture my form of language in a letter. Brilliant. Thanks.

Oh, look D. says, “Any regrets? Why or why not?” I regret my inadequateness. Sometimes I feel as though the entire Omitted name shabam could have been handled differently. Why do I still care?! Tell me that in 2007 I won’t care this much. Caring hurts. A lot. I do not regret spending a year away from my mother even though I missed my brother soooometimes. I’m only being honest. Haha. I think the year away did me well. I’ll be going back pretty soon, though. Mom, Bro, and I are going to watch Gatsbys American Dream in concert on 06/26. ;] Exciting! Okay, these aren’t regrets, but future memories. Lol. I’m such a dork. [Note: I just ate dinner and I’m in a better mood.]

I would like to make a few changes. -2 goals omitted- find time to start writing again, go back to J-school, and stop being emo! I must learn Japanese, for real. I need to be dedicated to my foreign language studies. Mhm! I’ll get to see Amy again that way. 😀 Yey!

On a random note, I absolutely love the shape of my lips. I’m staring at my MSN display picture and I love how I photoshopped it, except I wish I had placed the text a bit lower. Oh wells, it’s still gorgeous! Haha. I sound bi-polar. I go from self-loathing to feeling like I’m pretty. Something’s certainly wrong with me. I feel inspired to finish the layout and start on the layout. But no time!

I have a few resolutions [which means I won’t be keeping them] for next year:

I would like to get at least a 4.0. -> I BETTER KEEP THIS ONE. I have to!!
I should stop being emo… but it’s so much fun! *cough* Not really…
I need to mature at home. Start cleaning, Bri. ;D
I hope you’ve had a blast senior year. See ya in the future [talking about the letter].


I’ll scan the nicely decorated envelope later today or tomorrow. My letter provided a lot of insight about myself to myself. A few friends also included letters in my envelope, but they were all disappointing. *shrugs* I had commentary on the letter, but I just don’t feel like it.

Today was crappy. I’m disliking Chita oh-so-very-much. I have so much schoolwork, it’s crazy. I’m going to go procrastinate now… ugh, I haven’t eaten all day. I’ll go see what I can “prepare” (Cooking is no fun for me) and THEN I’ll procrastinate by watching a movie or playing more Sims…. oh man.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away…

You know you better than anyone else.