Same Shit, Different Day

Did I mention I got my hair bleached two weeks ago today? Anyhow, I did. I change hair color more often than my bi-polar moods. Okay, maybe not that often, but I can’t seem to stay happy with a hair color for more than …. a short while. I wonder what that says about me.

Last year my Honors English 11 teacher had us write a letter to ourselves that would be delivered back to us a year later. Today I got back my letter. With the exception of a few omissions I’m going to post it here:

June 19, 2006

Dear Bri,

Hello future me! Ooh isn’t this reminiscent of The Lake House? Yes, the movie with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It’s lovely, isn’t it? I watched it on Saturday along with Nacho Libre. This assignment sure is interesting, though. I might as well just immerse myself into the required elements of the letter so that I can later feel free to ramble on and on and on and on…

Junior year rose and fell faster than the rising and setting sun; it all happened so quickly and naturally. I started off so poorly with that fail in AP BIOLOGY! It ruined my G.P.A., thanks. Sadly, I never even learned anything in that class. Apart from AP Bio, I did the best that I could, honestly. Because of that, I’m content with the grades I received all year [of course, minus the bio]. By year’s end, my grades shouldn’t be too bad. As always, I wish they were higher, but meh. Hopefully they’re good enough to get accepted somewhere… anywhere. Ack, how emo.

So here I go, I’ll dive right in. Break through the waves,
straight to the ocean floor. And although my hands
are shaking, I lie perfectly still ‘cause I’m determined

to let myself sink down and I know I’m buried too far down
to feel the warmth from the sun again.

This has been a year of failures and a few minor successes. [Note: I feel extremely emo as I right this letter, so that might be reflected in my choice of words, unfortunately.] My friendship, if it can even be called that, with Omitted name deteriorated completely this school year. That puts me in the most melancholy of moods. I still wish things had progressed. Omitted name symbolizes the complete, utter failure in me.

I’m alone and I can’t blame anyone but you.
Self-loathing once filled me but now I know the truth.

Here’s another failure: Jackie and I were not as close this year as we were in 10th grade simply because I moved out from Imperial. My excuse was no time, which is 100% true. It makes me feel bad, though. And then my best friend Justine and I also grew further apart this school year. Well, at first it was closer because I lived at 4427, but when I moved to Alhambra all our outings stopped. This summer if we don’t hang out, I’m the worst friend ever. Aigoo chamna! I suppose to balance this I need to include a few successes to match the failures. Once more I decided to hang out with Elizabeth, Jean, David, Pedro, and Vy. Elizabeth and I definitely got closer this year. Sometime towards the end of the year I started confiding in her. While she might enforce some of her own thoughts on me, I appreciate the different perspective and her listening to me. It took David all year to finally figure out I actually am emo, despite my always smiling face. My smiling mask is so so annoying. Anyway, I like my bunch of friends [but secretly – I still miss my friends from Downtown Magnet High]. I feel like I cut a bad deal this year. It was an exchange of friends almost. All year it’s felt right, but evaluating it now, I feel gypped. I’ve been robbed of valuable friends by no one’s fault, but my own. That and circumstances. Move along.

Hm, I opted to stop going to J-school this year. But I believe I’ll be starting again in September so all is well in extra curricular activity world. I went out with my family a lot this year. It makes me happy! ^__^; It’s funny how I prefer to go out with family instead of friends. Ah wells~ I wasn’t sure where to include this, but my iPod currently has over 4,000 songs. Ooh yeah! ;] Hehe. Uhh… I remember an awkward Thanksgiving because I wasn’t speaking to my mother then. Christmas was ruined for the first time this year and I had to open my gifts in the morning. Pfft! That made me upset. This sure is a randumb paragraph. Forserious. And yes, I’m trying to capture my form of language in a letter. Brilliant. Thanks.

Oh, look D. says, “Any regrets? Why or why not?” I regret my inadequateness. Sometimes I feel as though the entire Omitted name shabam could have been handled differently. Why do I still care?! Tell me that in 2007 I won’t care this much. Caring hurts. A lot. I do not regret spending a year away from my mother even though I missed my brother soooometimes. I’m only being honest. Haha. I think the year away did me well. I’ll be going back pretty soon, though. Mom, Bro, and I are going to watch Gatsbys American Dream in concert on 06/26. ;] Exciting! Okay, these aren’t regrets, but future memories. Lol. I’m such a dork. [Note: I just ate dinner and I’m in a better mood.]

I would like to make a few changes. -2 goals omitted- find time to start writing again, go back to J-school, and stop being emo! I must learn Japanese, for real. I need to be dedicated to my foreign language studies. Mhm! I’ll get to see Amy again that way. 😀 Yey!

On a random note, I absolutely love the shape of my lips. I’m staring at my MSN display picture and I love how I photoshopped it, except I wish I had placed the text a bit lower. Oh wells, it’s still gorgeous! Haha. I sound bi-polar. I go from self-loathing to feeling like I’m pretty. Something’s certainly wrong with me. I feel inspired to finish the heart-strutter.org layout and start on the juillet-love.org layout. But no time!

I have a few resolutions [which means I won’t be keeping them] for next year:

I would like to get at least a 4.0. -> I BETTER KEEP THIS ONE. I have to!!
I should stop being emo… but it’s so much fun! *cough* Not really…
I need to mature at home. Start cleaning, Bri. ;D
I hope you’ve had a blast senior year. See ya in the future [talking about the letter].

Love,
Bri

I’ll scan the nicely decorated envelope later today or tomorrow. My letter provided a lot of insight about myself to myself. A few friends also included letters in my envelope, but they were all disappointing. *shrugs* I had commentary on the letter, but I just don’t feel like it.

Today was crappy. I’m disliking Chita oh-so-very-much. I have so much schoolwork, it’s crazy. I’m going to go procrastinate now… ugh, I haven’t eaten all day. I’ll go see what I can “prepare” (Cooking is no fun for me) and THEN I’ll procrastinate by watching a movie or playing more Sims…. oh man.

And when you’re down and feel alone,
Just want to run away…

You know you better than anyone else.

One thought on “Same Shit, Different Day

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.