DayJune 12, 2007

Diagnose This.

My two domains came up for renewal on 6/6/07 and I renewed. I’m not sure if I’m happy with my decision, though. I haven’t done much with my domains for a very long time. I’m just about close to calling it quits with designing. I have little to no motivation to do anything. I start a layout, or I try to continue coding a layout, and after 5 minutes I can’t. I don’t know what to do, like … no creative ideas or even motivation. Eh, who knows. I renewed just for the sake of blogging here and for my very inactive hostees on Juillet-Love.org. I should make a forum over there.  I did restart my gallery, but only because I was feeling very vain and gorgeous at the time.  Hah.

I want to take a photo. I need ideas. Inspiration. A double dose of enthusiasm. I want a real camera. Hah, I don’t even know what they’re called. Heather would know… hello. You know, those cameras with the adjustable lens and whatnot. I like the way they look, and I like the way it feels to hold them, and I like the quality of the photos. I don’t think it’s reason enough to buy one, though. I’ve taken my share of gorgeous photos, though. I ought to showcase them somehow.

There should be a photography challenge. Take one picture a day for a month. But I need a challenge that will tell me what to take a picture of… ideas, you know? Do you know? I keep typing, “you know.” It’s irritating. Anyhow, something like, “Take a picture of a random person,” or “Take a picture of the sky,” or even, “Take a picture of a random street sign.” Those are ideas right? If I make a list I should do the challenge. For the month of July, before I go to UCSB.

Why is it that I excel in writing on some days and other days it’s just plain mediocre? I’m not talking about my blogging as that depends on just how reflective I feel. I’m referring to my writing in AP English. I get such high scores on some essays (on topics I really really like) and just bleh-passing-OK grades on essays about books or random stuff? The answer seems obvious, like you write better about things you’re passionate about, but that’s so inconsistent. I want consistency. Consistency sounds like something from a recipe. Or am I just making that definition up right now? Ah, no, I was right.  I always second guess myself when I use a word I don’t always use, but I like. Words with vague, not oft used definitions intrigue me. Particularly because I use their “not oft used definitions.”

Okk! Well, the psychiatrist says I’m depressed. Oh, really? I think I already knew. So I’m going to take Prozac. Eh, but she has this strange idea that if I don’t think I’m the president of the United States, I’m not bi-polar. It’s terribly hard to diagnose, but I wrote three pages in Word just now as to why I think I AM bi-polar. I fit the bill. Quite well, might I add?

I wish I could speak the way I write. I’m too nice when I speak. And “big vocabulary” seems out of place with my demeanor. My face got “older,” but I still don’t look my age. Of course, in the end this is a good thing. I’m in no rush to look old, but I want to appropriate the respect a mature 18-year old deserves (keyword: mature), without having to experience the weight of responsibilities adults face. Is this possible? Perhaps I’m trying to say that I’m not ready to be classified an adult. I don’t want to have to give up my childish ways, and I don’t want people to expect me to behave with the logic of an adult. No wait, I’m spinning in circles. Refresh. Too much is expected of me. If I make a bad decision, ohhh I should have known better. But how? Because I’m “intelligent”, “mature”, “turning into an adult”? Those talks with my Uncle George can have their ups and downs. When he asks a question I don’t know whether to answer as an adult or a child. I’m confusing myself. Balance is hard, and I don’t think I even want to find it yet. I’ll think about this some other blog entry.

I like to live my life randomly. Shuffle! As if life were an iPod full of songs. What song will play today? As a side note I deleted about 2,000 songs from my computer/iPod because I am no longer interested in J-pop. Too upbeat, I think. I never listened to half those songs anyway. My iPod’s shuffle option provides a better turnout — songs I like more. It’s like a process of elimination. Eliminate all the people in your life you don’t want. If only it were as easy as deleting songs. People I really don’t like are going to attend UCSB, too. Chances of running into them? Slim. But you know how life works, right? Learn a word today and you’re more likely to hear it used somewhere later on today. Earth aligns. I’m only hoping that doesn’t happen with the people that I know. Don’t align. Don’t accidentally see me across the street. That sort of thing.

This ramble feels good. I logged in thinking I’d have nothing to say, but look look! I blogged a substance. I mean, wrote ideas of substance. Hah. I laugh at my own lame jokes. So I’m silly like that. Not a problem. Today, I accept myself. Tomorrow, I hate myself and everything around me. I just hope come Thursday night I’m full of positive energy. How I hope.

The Pros And Cons Of Breathing.
Pro-breathing. Today only. Special, read all about it.