Diagnose This.

My two domains came up for renewal on 6/6/07 and I renewed. I’m not sure if I’m happy with my decision, though. I haven’t done much with my domains for a very long time. I’m just about close to calling it quits with designing. I have little to no motivation to do anything. I start a layout, or I try to continue coding a layout, and after 5 minutes I can’t. I don’t know what to do, like … no creative ideas or even motivation. Eh, who knows. I renewed just for the sake of blogging here and for my very inactive hostees on Juillet-Love.org. I should make a forum over there.  I did restart my gallery, but only because I was feeling very vain and gorgeous at the time.  Hah.

I want to take a photo. I need ideas. Inspiration. A double dose of enthusiasm. I want a real camera. Hah, I don’t even know what they’re called. Heather would know… hello. You know, those cameras with the adjustable lens and whatnot. I like the way they look, and I like the way it feels to hold them, and I like the quality of the photos. I don’t think it’s reason enough to buy one, though. I’ve taken my share of gorgeous photos, though. I ought to showcase them somehow.

There should be a photography challenge. Take one picture a day for a month. But I need a challenge that will tell me what to take a picture of… ideas, you know? Do you know? I keep typing, “you know.” It’s irritating. Anyhow, something like, “Take a picture of a random person,” or “Take a picture of the sky,” or even, “Take a picture of a random street sign.” Those are ideas right? If I make a list I should do the challenge. For the month of July, before I go to UCSB.

Why is it that I excel in writing on some days and other days it’s just plain mediocre? I’m not talking about my blogging as that depends on just how reflective I feel. I’m referring to my writing in AP English. I get such high scores on some essays (on topics I really really like) and just bleh-passing-OK grades on essays about books or random stuff? The answer seems obvious, like you write better about things you’re passionate about, but that’s so inconsistent. I want consistency. Consistency sounds like something from a recipe. Or am I just making that definition up right now? Ah, no, I was right.  I always second guess myself when I use a word I don’t always use, but I like. Words with vague, not oft used definitions intrigue me. Particularly because I use their “not oft used definitions.”

Okk! Well, the psychiatrist says I’m depressed. Oh, really? I think I already knew. So I’m going to take Prozac. Eh, but she has this strange idea that if I don’t think I’m the president of the United States, I’m not bi-polar. It’s terribly hard to diagnose, but I wrote three pages in Word just now as to why I think I AM bi-polar. I fit the bill. Quite well, might I add?

I wish I could speak the way I write. I’m too nice when I speak. And “big vocabulary” seems out of place with my demeanor. My face got “older,” but I still don’t look my age. Of course, in the end this is a good thing. I’m in no rush to look old, but I want to appropriate the respect a mature 18-year old deserves (keyword: mature), without having to experience the weight of responsibilities adults face. Is this possible? Perhaps I’m trying to say that I’m not ready to be classified an adult. I don’t want to have to give up my childish ways, and I don’t want people to expect me to behave with the logic of an adult. No wait, I’m spinning in circles. Refresh. Too much is expected of me. If I make a bad decision, ohhh I should have known better. But how? Because I’m “intelligent”, “mature”, “turning into an adult”? Those talks with my Uncle George can have their ups and downs. When he asks a question I don’t know whether to answer as an adult or a child. I’m confusing myself. Balance is hard, and I don’t think I even want to find it yet. I’ll think about this some other blog entry.

I like to live my life randomly. Shuffle! As if life were an iPod full of songs. What song will play today? As a side note I deleted about 2,000 songs from my computer/iPod because I am no longer interested in J-pop. Too upbeat, I think. I never listened to half those songs anyway. My iPod’s shuffle option provides a better turnout — songs I like more. It’s like a process of elimination. Eliminate all the people in your life you don’t want. If only it were as easy as deleting songs. People I really don’t like are going to attend UCSB, too. Chances of running into them? Slim. But you know how life works, right? Learn a word today and you’re more likely to hear it used somewhere later on today. Earth aligns. I’m only hoping that doesn’t happen with the people that I know. Don’t align. Don’t accidentally see me across the street. That sort of thing.

This ramble feels good. I logged in thinking I’d have nothing to say, but look look! I blogged a substance. I mean, wrote ideas of substance. Hah. I laugh at my own lame jokes. So I’m silly like that. Not a problem. Today, I accept myself. Tomorrow, I hate myself and everything around me. I just hope come Thursday night I’m full of positive energy. How I hope.

The Pros And Cons Of Breathing.
Pro-breathing. Today only. Special, read all about it.

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2 Comments

  1. They’re called SLR (single lens reflex) cameras. They can be pretty expensive, but try to find a Nikon D50. Nikon discontinued them so stores are trying pretty hard to sell them all to make room for newer models.

    We should have a photo-off. That would be fun.

    Also, I too have my domains more because I’m used to them (and for the hope they will one day be ‘cool’) than any other reason.

    More reading&writing = better speaking&vocabulary. Its true.

  2. Wow, you do have a lot to say. You should definitely write like this more often if you can.

    I had days like this too sometimes which always lead to long entries that sometimes make sense and other times leave my readers scrambling to make connections. But writing is always good. It helps to get everything out. I hope you’ll find it as therapeutic as I do.

    Did you survive high school? If so, congratulations!

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