Broken On The Phone

These topics have never escaped my mind in part because I told myself I didn’t care, don’t care, and that they definitely don’t matter. I’m only bothered by a few of them, still. I get over things too quickly. I’m still wondering if these topics are even worth mentioning. I rarely even mention them to myself. Denial? Nah. I pretend to be oblivious. That’s definitely the safest way to keep it. Still, still… I don’t want to unearth or accept these sad facts.

I’m looking for a friend. Someone I can confide in fully. It can be anyone, really! But, as I try harder and harder to trust one person the less I want to trust them. I’ve tried several people, but I get upset at all of them. __ never said anything, __ knows too much already, __ doesn’t understand, __ and I no longer really truly talk, __ is too new (but so far, I don’t trust). There’s an excuse for everyone as to why they’re not the one person I want to confide in. Well, it’s not surprising, as I find it difficult to express myself anyway. By the looks of it, this entry is already far too ambiguous, meaning this isn’t the entry in which I reveal what I’ve long left unsaid. And my muscles ache.

Green tea is soothing. Nevermind, this is a crappy entry. Nothing has yet been divulged.

Fuck. I hate being the stranger

“I can’t pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend.”

I fucking hate that quote.

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5 Comments

  1. Hmm…by the looks of it, it seems that you aren’t in denial but that you are in the situation I was in. I felt that I needed a friend to confide in and found it–when I wasn’t looking. Be prepared to read this because it may be a long comment. Sorry. I just like getting my point across without being to vague.

    I know how you feel. I truly do. There are several ways to solve your problem (believe it or not). You just have to commit yourself to wanting to solve the problem. When I had that problem, I was constantly depressed and truly believed I had no friends. I told my boyfriend “I’m lonely. There’s no one I can talk to. Nobody likes me…etc.” But then he pointed out to me all the people that spoke to me on a regular basis and liked talking to me. I then realized at that point that he was right. I do have friends…but who were my true friends? I found my true friend to be the one that always sought the positive way out of a problem. She was the one who didn’t ever push me aside and who even listened to me rant in class and looked me in the face while I spoke even when the teacher told her to turn around. She was independent but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to be around me. She just wasn’t used to talking to anyone like she spoke to me. I realized all of this when my boyfriend told me.

    I have trouble trusting people also but she was the only one that I can truly trust. I began trusting her after this incident where I said something to this other girl (who I trusted at the time) and that girl blurted out what I said to the girl I talked to her about–that taught me my lesson. So the girl I trust now told me that I learned my lesson and not to say things to people that I wouldn’t want to go around and I was mad at her for saying that because I’m stubborn but later I smiled because she actually said something worth saying. It was helpful and meant a lot to me. She was my true friend and still is today.
    The point of this comment is not my story but the fact that I didn’t try to find my best friend. I just looked at the people I knew and evaluated them all. Of course it was hard and took me a long time (3 years to be exact) but it was worth it. My advice to you is to stop tormenting yourself over things like this. If there is no one you can truly trust then so be it. Learn to trust yourself. Learn to loosen up and be happier in your decisions. I wish I would’ve been happy. So please try your hardest to get through this. I would say more but I’m afraid I may write a whole page. haha. I really want to help you out. Email me when you write another entry that you need advice with or just comment on my site.

    Much love,
    Naimah

  2. Green tea is good stuffs… Lipton is giving away free green tea on their site. Haha.

    Hm..the feeling of not knowing who to confide in. That is so true. So I suppose, you could keep it to yourself, or write it somewhere. But it never gets let out, does it? I suppose its an issue of trust. I’d suggest you tell the one who knows too much already, but then you’re placing too much information into their hands and that’s not quite good is it?

    Well, good luck.

  3. I know how you feel. It doesn’t help that I’m not good at sharing my feelings, maybe because I don’t trust anyone that much to do so. But any kind of relationship needs work on both sides. I think part of the reason I don’t really have anyone to confide in is because I’m afraid of being vulnerable and letting people know what I’m really like. But like I said, it takes work to have a good relationship.

  4. Yehh i feel the same way all the time. I have very few close friends because trust don’t come easy. You’ll be ok though im sure.

  5. I haven’t had green tea in a long, long time.

    Friends come and go. I hate that quote too. I thought friends were always going to be there, no matter what happened. Then it disconnects because of one stupid issue. Close friends cannot be replaced because I wouldn’t want to repeat myself again, esp. at this age. Trust is hard to build when things have been done and said. I wouldn’t know what to confide in either.. so I usually keep things written or expressed through art.

    Hope you feel better, Bri.

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