I don’t know if I’m apologizing to myself, or to any readers, but here it is:

Dear Heart Strutter,

Lately, I’ve had either too much energy to post (distracted by other things), or too depressed to think of what to say. What an unfortunate conundrum. Even today, writing this, I don’t have much to say. I only realize that this domain needs a new layout, and unlike the name of the domain, I have done anything but strut my heart. My mind is running rampant with too many thoughts, pushed aside and all but forgotten.

I will admit, I have never been quite so social, nor quite so lost in my life. I’m not doing any stupid, so that’s not what I’m implying. What I mean is, are these the people I will be friends with all throughout college? Don’t get me wrong, I love having friends, but I’m … picky. Picky in the sense that I get easily annoyed and I know very well that sooner or later I’ll find other people to replace these people and so on. WOW… this should be another private post because it makes no sense.

This week I’m only going through the motions whereas last week I was sincere in all my super socialness. :< I’m so sick of being bi-polar (I loved it, before). Before, depression was an excuse to get creative and write to my heart’s content. Now, it’s a hindrance on life. UCSB is such a social scene, so when people don’t see me for 4 days I’m getting invited to go eat and hang out with them, and all I can do it apologetically refuse and stay in my room, alone. Constant struggle. I don’t really want to be by myself, but lack the motivation to do anything about it. So, still I’ll refuse to hang out with anyone.

Right now, I’m silently hoping no one tells me these emotions are common. So I’ll proceed with caution.
(I hate feeling like anyone else. My individuality, I prize above all else)

My twin aunts, my uncle-in-law, and my uncle-in-law’s parents went to Guatemala last week, and they are returning tomorrow at 11am. I have missed them to no end. Of course, it’s natural to miss family while at college, but I mean more like… I would so much rather be with them than anyone here. We have a multitude of more inside jokes, places to go, things to do, etc.

I’m slowly losing my will to do anything but sleep. My reason (which isn’t an excuse) is that I’m too depressed this week. I’ve expressed to random people that I haven’t been seen because I’m suicidal. Maybe it’s my apathetic tone of voice, but everyone is taking it with a grain of salt and ignoring the subject. No one gives a shit to ask why. Not that I expect anyone to care why. Not that I even know why. *shrugs* I’m being overly needy, except no one really gives a damn. I wouldn’t either if I were talking to me.

Music isn’t even affecting me the way it used to. No lyrics seem to fit my mood and I’m screaming on the inside. I need a song to help me recuperate. If I still talked to Lindsey, she would have SOMETHING for me. Maybe instead of music I just need pills.

I’m going to quote this without permission, from a girl’s xanga that I so avidly read. It mirrors my thoughts well enough (not perfectly, but well enough to paste):

My room, its not an expression of me. My Style, its not an expression of me. My expression of me, is not even an expression because I can never ever express myself. I mean the real me. Not the fake; innocent, shy, quiet, respectable, nice, happy me. Sure shes expressive of fake bullshit that people don’t even want to hear. But nobody will want to hear what I have to say, for real so it is better to talk fake coz then when they judge you, you can laugh and tell yourself *they don’t know me*. But then thats another self-destructive contradictory issue coz then your friends don’t know you either, so you lose them and end up all lonely in self-isolation. Fear sucks. Screwed no matter what the option, all roads lead to disaster when Faiths around.

That is what I’m trying to say.

It doesn’t help that when I’m depressed I don’t know who I am, nor who I want to be. Give me ignorance, give me happiness. Never have I wanted to be happy so much as this. It used to be the other way around. If this whole entry doesn’t make sense, I’m not on drugs, I’m just confused. Understatement of the year!

This is not typical of my entries. This entry is total chaos, and written in that icky stream-of-consciousness style that I so hate.

It’s time to get productive. I have coded two layouts for this blog, neither of which were successful for reasons unknown (psst: it was Internet Explorer’s fault). Time to recode, methinks. If I don’t get something done today, I’m gonna cry. Internally. I went three years without crying, and I don’t want to do that again. The trouble with this is that I have no emotion. No emotion is worse than being overwhelmed by it.

Empty fields move me so much more then rooms filled up with friends.

Now playing: My American Heart – The Shake (Awful Feeling)
via FoxyTunes

9 thoughts on “Apology

  1. I think you should try listening to positive and upbringing music. I think that would help. I don’t know what you listen to, but I’d be happy to give you some suggestions to match the style that you like. I know a lot of great music that’s positive.

  2. Girl, I been there a lot! I have depression too. I listen top a song to help me lift my spirits and tell me I am not alone. “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. Keep your chin up. It will get better. Trust me. 🙂 Good luck, hon

  3. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so lost. I know you said you hate it when people say everyone feels like that, and I’m not saying anyone has felt exactly as you are, but a lot of people get depressed, especially around times like these. I don’t blame you about the people at college. I would go crazy if I had to be around my ‘peers’ all the time too. Anyway, I hope you find some way to break out of it soon. Maybe you just need someone to talk to?

  4. Oh my gorgeous, I adore you! This entry makes complete sense to me! I am always so un-intentionally self-destructive in relationships, its the whole picky saga, people just piss me off =/!

    I know we are only like blog buddies or whatever, but I really do give a damn about you, & hate that you have to feel so shit and having everybody around you being too afraid to talk about it because they can not comprehend what you are telling them.

    Its not your fault the world is just so emotionally retarded…

    When it is this shit the future can only be better for you. You are such an amazing person! You have helped me so much in your writing and I am stronger just to have you in my life (even though we have never met!), just because you can understand. Not many people can understand, and one day your be able to help many more people with your understanding.

    Please find hope in that what you feel like is killing you now, can be used to save others later.
    You won’t feel so shit forever.

    Thanks for the compliment on my blog && the quote there, feel free to nick anything you like =)!


  5. I think… I’m going…

    to cry.

    Perhaps surprising, PERHAPS NOT, that I’ve visited this blog and have in fact read it. I’m impressed myself. I hate to burst your bubble, but if your problems and social woes are not common, they’re at least shared by one other person. >>

    I found interesting: “I have done anything but strut my heart.” LOLZ I SAID THAT TO YOU LAST NIGHT W/O HAVING READ THIS! ZomG twinzies

  6. wow i forgot what its like to read your blogs.but honey life will go on and no matter what ill always be here for you. see even after so long i still got ahold of you, so just be careful and enjoy the things that come your way. i have had to to learn that shit happens and life goes on. thats how i get thru the hard shit here. i cnat wait to go back to la so i could kick your ass for having mixed emotions.life aint always going to be hard, i promise.

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