Alright so that makes twice in two days that I go to the movies alone. I don’t think I really mind (sitting there alone). It’s not like you and whoever is with you talk while inside the movies, right? What is awkward is paying for your ticket. And when the lights are still on and you’re sitting there, quite alone, in the center of the aisle. You feel naked, and vulnerable. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like anything these days so whaaatever.
Hm, what does bother me is the fact that no one gives a shit to go WITH me. Then again, why do I always expect people to be nice to me? (Okay, so maybe I’m overly nice to people in hopes that one day they’ll treat me in kind, but this hasn’t been working…) Urgh, why the fuck is this affecting me so badly? I suppose it’s because I’m too dependent on other people. Still, I recall what Paula said that one time… I chose long ago to make this life difficult for myself (if I were to believe in that religion she said). This isn’t making me a better person, though. It’s forcing me to grow up in ways unimaginable. And this is from someone that doesn’t want to grow up.
Lately all I want to do is hug my knees to my chest and rock back and forth in tears. Though this gives off the impression that I’m crazy. Then again, I just might be. Who cares. I’m so tired and uninspired. It amazes me that I’m still alive when all I want to do is sleep. Sleep being a nicer word for die.
There’s no one to talk to, aside from myself. And I don’t even do that anymore. I haven’t been blogging regularly. I can barely wake up in the morning and stand on my own two feet. The urge to collapse is too great. The lyrics, “I’ll keep on aching until my heart decides to fail” just played… but my heart has already failed. And I just might die because of it.
So before I was closed off because I was afraid of getting close to people, but now I just realize no one gives a damn. “Always so fragile and broken.” Omg, I’m crying. Tears overflow in abundance these days. “I’m watching it all come down. The remnants of my love are crawling through my insides.”
I’m not here to fool anyone and this entry is just going to remain password-protected. Honestly, I just want people to believe that I’m happy. And that I’m fine. I’m fine. Every thing’s fine.