I want to learn how to skateboard. I want to be constantly busy (doing fun stuff, not homework), again. And YoLei inspires me. Also, I have to write a letter back to Linda. I’m feeling depressed, with the promise of optimism yet to come. There are no paragraph breaks here. My thoughts are continuous. Last night I had a dream of cutting my arms and legs with a razor. I almost felt like getting up and going to the bathroom to slash my wrists. I used to cut, though not for a long period of time. It’s tempting to start again. But I won’t. Maybe. No, I don’t know. It’s funny how I used to be so miserable here at my mother’s house. And I couldn’t wait to go to college. Now, I’m more miserable there than I was here. It’s like balancing out where it is I feel less miserable. It seems to me now that I don’t have anywhere to go, no one to turn to anymore. It’s awkward admitting feelings to members of your family. Somehow I get the feeling they all thought I was happy. No, I never will be. In five minutes I have to go to a family brunch and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep from crying. Lately, it’s all I can do. The slow collapse of me. How entertaining. Tune in to watch. Anyway, I rather not keep thinking. It kills me how I was so specific in the beginning and it always ends up so vague. That’s my style, I guess. Whatevz. Srsly, dying sounds like a dream come true.
I started looking out for myself today, and then I stopped ’cause I don’t care.