Ok. I might sound really apathetic typing this, but all of this hurts. A lot. Better to write it than leave it left unsaid. Though, I really would prefer to write this in my real journal (but then my hand would hurt…) /end stall
On Monday, my mother got into a car accident. Her car is completely crashed and not usable anymore. This whole weekend my mother insulted me saying I’m disgusting, and that there is no hope for us to ever love each other. She says she’s not my mother and I’m not her daughter. She says in a sarcastic way that she hopes I make something of myself, like she expects me not to. Car accident = Karma perhaps? Also, I’m still dealing with Sharon’s lies… but I have not heard a word from LaDonte King yet. I did not fucking punch her, but she’s accusing me and she filed a report with the campus police. Dude, I have two witnesses. She’s retarded if she thinks she can lie about something like that.
I’m slowly getting over all of this.
Despite what others say, I’m not a failure. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My life goes on.
I’m feeling rather detached at the moment so I have no problem typing this stuff up. It’s 1:30am and I have not done my math homework, but I think I’m going to do it after Japanese tomorrow as I’m hanging out in Program Board. It’s due by noon, and I only have one class tomorrow so I’ll hw during office hours. Hah. Hm, there’s also a quiz for Japanese tomorrow that I haven’t studied for yet. And my third math midterm is on Friday.
Today I cycled from hypomanic to apathetic. What will I be tomorrow, I wonder? Each day brings its own surprises. Awesome-ness. /sarcasm
My goal is to write a small one paragraph blog entry in Japanese by the end of Winter quarter. I shall seeeee. I love goals. They give me something to live for and something to strive towards.
And I don’t wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t want to talk about it
Because I’m in love with you
I remember a time when I didn’t know how to cross the street. I remember walking home from middle school. I remember that one time when I was rollerskating on the sidewalk and I almost fell, but I managed to control the skates. I remember boasting about it afterward to my family. I remember talking about my exercise routine with Paula N. in the girl’s bathroom freshman year. I remember choreographing a ballet with Justine during 8th grade, to a Pocahontas song. I remember messing up during the actual performance because my arm got stuck on my dress while doing a table top, but I saved myself by pretending I knew what I was doing. I remember finding $20 inside a VHS box many years ago, and being extremely happy. I remember when I was still collecting $2 bills. I remember how mad my mom was when she almost ran me over because I was running across the street to go buy food. I remember waking up at 4:30am every morning to get to school junior year of high school. I remember sitting in my room one day, trying to make the decision whether or not to cut for the first time. I remember sitting in Meme’s car late one night, on the phone, crying a little. I remember getting dizzy every time I stood up because I was never hungry and rarely ate. I remember when that song played in the car, and as I was singing along, I just started crying and crying and Meme thought I was crying because I was leaving to college (but really it was because the song was about suicide). I remember my rocky friendship with my old best friend Deniece Horn. I remember writing fanfictions and having Carolina read them in Microbiology or US History, in 7th and 8th grade, respectively. I remember loving her drawings, and one time lent her my anime book so she could draw Sakura. I remember singing my own version of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina to our old family friend Manny. I remember having my desk by the entrance to our house on 6th avenue and everytime George got home My Chemical Romance was playing and he told me I need to get some new music (after which I never played MCR if I knew he was on his way home). I remember calling Paula M. after I finished reading Sister Carrie and just being blown away by the novel… I was quite speechless. I remember sleeping through most of summer before 11th grade. I remember camming with Elizabeth for 12 hours as we were doing our summer homework for AP English… and not sleeping for two days to finish it. I remember. I remember.
I don’t ever want to forgot, not even for one whole minute. What would I do if when I got old I forgot everything, and everyone that ever meant something?
I wonder what I would do if I got a case of advanced dementia or Alzheimer’s? Thinking about it, I would want to die. Were I in a hospital I would want to be taken off the feeding tube, the ventilator, the life support. I sort of just want to die sooner than later.
I’ve had so many good ideas for blog entries, but never have enough time in the day to write them out. ARGHHHH. Whatever, I’m over it already.
I’m sleepy… and I smell like smoke.
It’s so funny that the second I typed “I miss him” I realized Rob might think I was talking about someone else specifically, and that’s absolutely the only reason I wrote the second sentence (just because of him). Later I found in my inbox a comment from him. I just thought I’d throw out there that I moved on a long time ago. I’d like to apologize to him, and also to Rob, for being such a huge waste of time. Life goes on and everyone’s happier now so it doesn’t really matter.
Okayyy, so I went to the salon yesterday. Part 1 of 2 is complete. I’m still keeping my hair color a secret until I’m “done” and my hair is complete. Cassandra said I could go back on Tuesday to finish… but clearly, I don’t live here anymore so I have to wait until Saturday, which is a bummer, but one week will fly by. They have been at an alarming rate anyway.
I go back home today, sometime around 4pm or whenever Sandy comes to pick me up. I don’t want to go back to UCSB. I miss it… and my life over there, but still! home is home. My family is here (and the drama continues without me)… so I don’t know how to feel about this. It’s sort of like two timelines running parallel to each other and they’ll never meet, but I want them to merge into one line… but it won’t.
If I wasn’t on student government (aka involved, and in a position worth noting, especially for a freshman), then I would want to transfer to UCI or UCLA. Argh! The complications of college life. Lmao.
Anyway, I have laundry to finish and random shit to do before it’s time to leave. Peaceeee.