DayNovember 2, 2007

Metamorphosis

It’s funny how much I don’t feel a part of anything. Or at the very least I can only connect to one person at a time, but not the group as a whole. It’s like not being able to connect the dots. I feel. Ew. Wait, I feel? Ugh, emotions are disgusting. I hate feeling. I hate being real.  Anyway, I feel like a little child that people just take pity on. I’m not prepared to face the world.

I can’t help anyone because … well, because I am a child. How am I expected to understand all these “adult” problems that everyone’s going through right now? Useless. Futile attempts at being the person that understands everyone. And I do, but I don’t think they believe me.

1 talks shit about 2 to me. 2 talks shit about 1 to 3. And 3 talks shit about both 1 and 2 to me. And I sit here listening to them all and I don’t know how to react. A bunch of talk. Bullshit. I can’t stand this. Desperately I want to say something to them… tell them to just shut the fuck up because it really isn’t funny anymore.

When did 1 develop OCD? Since when did 2 develop an addiction to attention in the form of providing sexual favors? When did everyone change? I stopped talking to them all for a month and I come back to unpleasantness that I don’t know how to deal with because I’m still a child at heart. And it hurts.

I hate people. I hate myself. I hate the whole fucking world. There’s a sense of security in separation. And I don’t even want to partake in anything. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and go so far out that I can no longer swim, to drown.

Drown myself in this.