It’s funny how much I don’t feel a part of anything. Or at the very least I can only connect to one person at a time, but not the group as a whole. It’s like not being able to connect the dots. I feel. Ew. Wait, I feel? Ugh, emotions are disgusting. I hate feeling. I hate being real.  Anyway, I feel like a little child that people just take pity on. I’m not prepared to face the world.

I can’t help anyone because … well, because I am a child. How am I expected to understand all these “adult” problems that everyone’s going through right now? Useless. Futile attempts at being the person that understands everyone. And I do, but I don’t think they believe me.

1 talks shit about 2 to me. 2 talks shit about 1 to 3. And 3 talks shit about both 1 and 2 to me. And I sit here listening to them all and I don’t know how to react. A bunch of talk. Bullshit. I can’t stand this. Desperately I want to say something to them… tell them to just shut the fuck up because it really isn’t funny anymore.

When did 1 develop OCD? Since when did 2 develop an addiction to attention in the form of providing sexual favors? When did everyone change? I stopped talking to them all for a month and I come back to unpleasantness that I don’t know how to deal with because I’m still a child at heart. And it hurts.

I hate people. I hate myself. I hate the whole fucking world. There’s a sense of security in separation. And I don’t even want to partake in anything. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and go so far out that I can no longer swim, to drown.

Drown myself in this.

4 thoughts on “Metamorphosis

  1. HELLO!!!!

    the first paragraph was really super duper intense. AWESOME! but at the same time it’s really emo to read it….

    i completely feel you with the whole 1, 2, and 3 situation. I think that you should be like “can y’all please stop talking shit about other people to me?!?!?!”

    they should understand, especially since they are your friends. ESPECIALLY number 3! i can sense that he loves you the most!


  2. seriously, tell them to stop backstabbing about 1 and/or 2

    about ur response to my xanga blog, i’ll try to be more lively

    next time i meet u ^-^

  3. I adore this post, tottaly fucking get that whole connecting to one person at a time bit, its like people just drain your energy & you just wish they would fuck off! LOL I like your whole connect the dots thing in relation to it =). Smart.

    There’s a sense of security in separation <- killer line, I really relate. Yeah sometimes I just want to get out of life and get away, I think about running away and I think about dying but I know neither are options so I just always feel really stuck.

    What is NaBloPoMo & NaNoWriMo?

    Aww thats so lovely of you to say! Thanks =). I love you too & am so happy to have found you!

    Love! <3 I hope things untangle themselves for you soon chick! xox

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