DayNovember 5, 2007

For What It’s Worth

I’m sitting on my bed, laptop on my knees, and listening to music from my desktop. Desperately I want to cry, or prove my depression to myself. Perhaps I just want to get rid of all the negativity that’s accumulating inside. Please say you’ve loved me all along. Why must I be needy right now, of all times?

Tomorrow I have my Japanese midterm, but I’m honestly just hoping I know the material well enough that I don’t have to exert myself tonight and just sleep slightly earlier than usual. Monday really is my busiest nonstop day. Tuesdays, even though I only have one class, are no shorter. There’s just too much going on every single day. I’m glad for this upcoming three-day weekend in which I won’t have to suffer through my normal hectic Monday. [:

Complaints of violins become my only friends.

Why is it that I can make others laugh so easily, and yet the thoughts I have within are all depressing and only serve to make me miserable?

Life isn’t worth living.

Art of First Impressions

I’m glad for the time change, though it gets dark much too early now. It does a lot to screw with the mind. At 6pm it felt like 9 or 10 (it was super dark…).

I awoke at 9am this morning and woke up Rona so we could go down to eat breakfast. By the time we got down it was already noon. We brought Nefertiti along with us. There, we met up with Sam and he sat with us. While I thought it was going to be a fun and random breakfast (at lunch time) it turned into an emo conversation about me. Idk why, but Sam always likes to ask about my past, and/or why I’m depressed. He makes too much logical sense (that’s usually totally my job, but I guess I need someone to show me the logic in my illogical thoughts, too). Anyway, I was convinced into sharing a part of my “life story” for which I felt extremely bad.

The only reason I’m so closed off about myself is because I hate boring other people with ridiculous details or emotions pertaining to myself. In any case I shared a mini-story (without all the emo details) about myself… and I felt really bad because it felt like I brought the mood way down. I apologized a few times, and Sam told me it was okay, and that I didn’t need to worry. Something he said really hit me, “You’ll never be close to someone if you don’t open up.” I’m so concerned about never finding anyone to be truly close to, but I don’t make any effort. Ugh, idk. As I typed that I felt disgusted at even daring to think of sharing any part of myself (I feel so bad). Ahh, just wayyyy too fucked up in the head. 🙁

Anyway, afterward, Rona, Nefertiti, and I went to State St. and met up with David. Rona and David made appointments to get their hair cut at 4pm, so we had a bit over two hours to kill. Rona didn’t have her ears pierced so we walked over to Claire’s. Alright, so I got impulsive again (which might get me srsly hurt one day, but that’s another matter)… and I got the top of my ears pierced, on the cartilage. XD; Here’s a picture (click for bigger):

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Alright, kinda weird because I’ve been showing off random body parts on my blog. Hahah, I’m so weird.

Anyway, after I got my ears pierced Rona finally felt brave enough to get her ears pierced. (: By going first I showed her that it was relatively painless to get a hole in your ear. loool. By the time we got our ears pierced and walked around to Jamba slash Coldstone it was time to get Rona’s hair cut!! (: Click to see larger pics:

Before RONA:

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After RONA:

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Nefertiti and I went to Rite Aid, but upon finding nothing, decided to go to Kmart (iiiick…. but Santa Barbara has no Target, methinks, which annoys me). We chose lots of new things for Rona (face wash, new hairbrush, comb, and lots more)!! We straightened her hair and all that jazz. I really seriously hope she has higher self-esteem and loves her new look. ^_^ I love Rona, and she’s very pretty so she deserves to feel super special! :] She doesn’t wear makeup, but she’s wanted to for a while so we picked out a good brown eyeliner for her and etc. (: Aww, I wish I had taken a picture of her earrings because they’re so cute! :]

Wow, I have so many new routines… I have to clean my lip piercing and my new ear piercings. So intense!!

Alright, apart from this entry, I’m still very depressed. I’m seriously starting to worry about myself. I fear I’m going to start cutting again or have thoughts of suicide. As it is I really rather just die… but I don’t know why! Lately, I’ve been very impulsive… in a scary way. What if I impulsively make a decision that’s really harmful? =\ What do I do?!

Right now I just feel very panicky. And tense. And stressed. And just like I’m dying inside.

Waste your time with me. Please, I need you.