I want to gag. The words, the memories, the embraces, the caresses – they disgust me and I wish they had never happened. I recoil at the thought of him touching me. I remember the words he said, and the words I was very reluctant to say, but after several stares from my family, I choked them out. I regret the time, the emotions, everything. Just thinking about it makes me shudder … but only because I’m living in guilt. Constant guilt that I just can’t let go.
I most definitely prefer to be alone. Yet, my greatest fear is being lonely.
There’s a limit to my love. I love everyone so much. Just, I can’t, not in that way. But, it’s threatening to haunt me. I don’t want to go through this again. I already know. I already know. So why am I so foolishly thinking the same thoughts again? Different person, same situation. A vicious cycle.
I want to save the world.
Fuck, I’m sleepy. I could be in my room right now, sleeping, if I wasn’t planning to attend the meeting today from 5 to 8 PM for AS so that rules on campus aren’t changed. Time to try to make a difference. Though, I’m just so tired. And David upset me so now I hope I don’t see him there because I might ignore him or whatevz.
If I’m on anyone’s side, it’s my own; everyone in my group has some varied view of each other and no one is getting along… save for a few, and these sub-cliques are fucking annoying me.
David just called me, and yeah… I didn’t respond the way I would have liked. There was dislike and distrust in my head and I can’t stand feeling that way towards someone I used to call my friend for life/best friend. Times change.
Or maybe I’m just going through depression right now. I can’t wait until my Lamictal dose increases. I feel like shiiiiit.
I HATE FLUCTUATING EMOTIONS. They’re way too far in range… from fucking hyper to I want to die. WTF.
2:01 AM. I woke up from my really long 4-hour nap just a short while ago. I had forgotten to clean my new ear piercings for the night so I did… only to find the cover for the left earring is gone. I searched all over the floor, but didn’t find anything. Clearly, the cartilage is still healing so there was no way I could take out the earring. Also, it’d look really gay to just have an earring on my right and not on my left. But anyway! I found another earring of mine and just used the cover for that on my left cartilage piercing. Sucks… I feel imbalanced because I know they’re not the same. Grr.
I set my alarm for 1:30AM so that I could wake up and finish Japanese homework. Uh… I’m still lagging on that because I thought I’d write on here. Though it’s pointless. I’m sad … what the fuck. Why did I just write I’m sad? I went to the paragraph above to add the “grr” and as I returned to this paragraph it said, “I’m sad” but now I don’t know why I would have typed that.
I already know what I want for Christmas. Or, one of the presents anyway. Diamond earrings. (: Four of them. Lol. It sort of just struck me that that’s what I really want this year. Hm, and if I don’t purchase one soon, a really ballin’ jacket. Last year I had my niiiice faux-fur Abercrombie jacket, but that’s so last year. (I’m kidding about that, btw, but I didn’t bring it to SB) Ah, I might buy these myself, but I realllllly want cute boots.
Ah! I’m lagging on starting my hw. WTFFFF.
Good morning America!