My Heart Is A Liar

I want to gag. The words, the memories, the embraces, the caresses – they disgust me and I wish they had never happened. I recoil at the thought of him touching me. I remember the words he said, and the words I was very reluctant to say, but after several stares from my family, I choked them out. I regret the time, the emotions, everything. Just thinking about it makes me shudder … but only because I’m living in guilt. Constant guilt that I just can’t let go.

I most definitely prefer to be alone. Yet, my greatest fear is being lonely.

There’s a limit to my love. I love everyone so much. Just, I can’t, not in that way. But, it’s threatening to haunt me. I don’t want to go through this again. I already know. I already know. So why am I so foolishly thinking the same thoughts again? Different person, same situation. A vicious cycle.

I want to save the world.

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