I remember a time when I didn’t know how to cross the street. I remember walking home from middle school. I remember that one time when I was rollerskating on the sidewalk and I almost fell, but I managed to control the skates. I remember boasting about it afterward to my family. I remember talking about my exercise routine with Paula N. in the girl’s bathroom freshman year. I remember choreographing a ballet with Justine during 8th grade, to a Pocahontas song. I remember messing up during the actual performance because my arm got stuck on my dress while doing a table top, but I saved myself by pretending I knew what I was doing. I remember finding $20 inside a VHS box many years ago, and being extremely happy. I remember when I was still collecting $2 bills. I remember how mad my mom was when she almost ran me over because I was running across the street to go buy food. I remember waking up at 4:30am every morning to get to school junior year of high school. I remember sitting in my room one day, trying to make the decision whether or not to cut for the first time. I remember sitting in Meme’s car late one night, on the phone, crying a little. I remember getting dizzy every time I stood up because I was never hungry and rarely ate. I remember when that song played in the car, and as I was singing along, I just started crying and crying and Meme thought I was crying because I was leaving to college (but really it was because the song was about suicide). I remember my rocky friendship with my old best friend Deniece Horn. I remember writing fanfictions and having Carolina read them in Microbiology or US History, in 7th and 8th grade, respectively. I remember loving her drawings, and one time lent her my anime book so she could draw Sakura. I remember singing my own version of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina to our old family friend Manny. I remember having my desk by the entrance to our house on 6th avenue and everytime George got home My Chemical Romance was playing and he told me I need to get some new music (after which I never played MCR if I knew he was on his way home). I remember calling Paula M. after I finished reading Sister Carrie and just being blown away by the novel… I was quite speechless. I remember sleeping through most of summer before 11th grade. I remember camming with Elizabeth for 12 hours as we were doing our summer homework for AP English… and not sleeping for two days to finish it. I remember. I remember.
I don’t ever want to forgot, not even for one whole minute. What would I do if when I got old I forgot everything, and everyone that ever meant something?
I wonder what I would do if I got a case of advanced dementia or Alzheimer’s? Thinking about it, I would want to die. Were I in a hospital I would want to be taken off the feeding tube, the ventilator, the life support. I sort of just want to die sooner than later.