But that’s in theory. Just thinking about it actually makes me really nervous. And randomly I’ll start to hyperventilate just thinking about the subject material. I gave this entry some thought while I was in the shower and I nearly couldn’t breathe just because sharing “pieces of me” is kinda idk scary as fuck (lol ashlee simpson).
Anyway, I wrote this yesterday, even though it feels like I wrote it before that. The days are so long sometimes. Enough stalling!
From my journal:
December 17, 2007
I’m haunted by memories. I’m sitting on the balcony to Meme’s apartment, and after having read for an hour under the comforting warm sun — well, I just can’t stop remembering. That first kiss with him, and all. Playing video games with him and my little brother. Dancing as we were leaving Disneyland, and my shyness. I keep remembering. His body pressed against mine. My lips tingled for days after he left [for the Navy]. I don’t miss him, though. I’m just remembering. I realize now, I didn’t love Eric. I was in love with the idea of love [for that many years, yes]. I miss Rob, though. But maybe that’s due largely to the fact that I had to re-read some of our conversations… I miss his words, his thoughts on life, just, him. He was amazing. We’d talk at all times of the day and I never grew tired of him. But this is the side of him you just don’t get unless you’re “with” him. God, I miss him. And it pains me now that he’s with her now. She’s perfection. She really is. I never really thought much of it when he was with what’s her name a while back, but this girl – she’s perfection. Five years and finally they’re together. [This is what I get for reading my LJ friends page at the worst time — you get all this information that you shouldn’t get] When Rob and I were together they would still talk, but I was never jealous. He was mine. We loved each other for a while. Or I loved him for a while, but I don’t think I knew it at the time. It’s amazing to me that it took me a whole goddamn year to react. A whole year of what, apathy? Did I just pretend to move on? Had I moved on, but now I’m thinking about it? I don’t understand the delayed reaction. What the fuck is wrong with me? The last year is a blur. I can’t even remember last Christmas, I really can’t. Did we do anything for Easter? 4th of July? I can’t remember any of it! I remember my 18th birthday, though. No one in my family cared [well, that’s just how it felt]. They called me a week later… it was depressing. The one day that’s supposed to be dedicated to me, and no one cared. A week before, on my brother’s birthday, everyone came over. Okay, right, I’m not supposed to compare myself to him, I forget. But why not? Doesn’t he have it better off? Who cares, whatever. The sun sure feels really strong now and I’m wearing all black. Not the most comfortable of feelings, that’s for sure. I notice, there are no paragraph breaks, but that’s because I don’t know where my thoughts are leading me. I haven’t eaten in like two days. And you know when you’re boasting about it and you’re counting the hours that it’s on purpose. No, I’m not hungry. My stomach has yet to even grumble. Though I did wake up at 3am quite nauseous. That’s how I feel right now, too, but I’m also uncomfortably burning up. I had about six different dreams last night. Every time I woke up I wrote them down. I didn’t want to forget. One stands out, though. It was at my old house on 6th Ave. in LA. I don’t know if I felt threatened or if I was running away from something, but there was an animal. It was circular, like a ball almost. And it was a beige pink color. Maybe something like Jiggly Puff (lolol). Anyway, there was this big window on my old house. Two, in fact. They were tall. I guess I had to sort of do a pull up (which I can’t do in real life) so that the animal couldn’t get me… I was slipping, and it almost got me… but I used all my strength to pull up again and I was holding on to the top part of the window. When I turned to look back, the animal was holding on to the concrete of the porch. I jumped down, stared at the animal. There was no empathy in me and no mercy either. At that moment I realized the animal was a representation of me. But that didn’t matter. I let the animal fall, and it likely died. I walked away without any effort and then my dream was over. I let myself die. And I didn’t care. Nothing matters, after all. Yesterday all I did was sleep. Well, mostly naps. I told my aunts it was the sleeping pills, but that was a lie. But I got back to Meme’s at 6:30pm and I went to sleep. I awoke at 11, only because I didn’t have the phone (my cell, I mean), with me. Time is of the utmost importance to me. Time has to be within my grasp, so to speak. That’s why I was really sad when my watch broke. I can’t wait to get a new one. The sun is really starting to burn. I guess I’ll go back inside now, until Mary gets back home. I want to finish watching the movie I started and maybe watch my Netflix one. Or watch that first (while I wait…) Hm, rambling. Back inside I go. This was a comforting writing session.
This took up almost four pages in my journal, but I’m glad to get this onto my blog (for record keeping???) and yeah…
On a completely different note, even though I’m making this entry longer, Surpass Hosting sent me a Christmas card and a sticker. I fuhreaking x love my hosting company!!
I believe I’m going to sleep over at Rona’s tonight. That biotch better have something for us to do… lolol. Well, I don’t get bored that easily so whatevers is fine. Just talking is more than enough for me. Only day two of vay kay and already it feels like there’s nothing to do. Oh boyyy, but it will get busy by the end of this week, for sure status.
One last point I’d like to make to myself is that I need to stop getting so angry at small things. Because then I don’t point them out at people, but I’m just super bitchy in return, and they just haven’t realized why I’m upset. I gotta work on this by either talking to these people less, telling them wtf upset me, or just control ze bitchy-ness.
ABC, 123. Take your pick!