DayJanuary 2, 2008

Steady Eagerness

I’m slightly bored at the moment, and even though I am merely sitting here, and on my laptop, I can sense the new year, and I’m taking the days slowly, one at a time. Naturally, my depression will merely sink back in with time, but I’m not thinking about that, and merely trying to appreciate my current state of mind.

It’s only the second day of the New Year so I shouldn’t jump to any hasty ideas of grandeur that this year will be the year I’ve been waiting for all my life. Wait, is it too late?

I think the optimism stems from two places. I regret one of them, but if it provides some form of comfort, so be it. Okay, thinking about it, three places that my optimism comes from; I should give myself some credit, after all. I have been making some changes in my life recently, and I’m very much hoping that these changes will benefit me. I’ve started to eat healthier, I’m continuing to take my daily vitamins (and pills), but I also added on a new pill: Omega-3/Fish Oil pills! Yeah, okay it seems lame, but they’re also beneficial *ahem* with bi-polar ppl. I don’t exactly know why, but who cares? They’re healthy anyway, so no harm done. While I still have some crazy ups and downs I’m trying really really hard to keep it to a minimum, or to not let it show (as much).

The second reason for this new sudden outlook on life may have something to do with the fact that I restarted my 101 Goals in 1001 days. I had deleted all of them one random day when I was feeling particularly depressed and felt all hope was lost… but you know, whatever. I re-made the list. I just have to add a few more goals to make the list complete. I’m running out of ideas, though! I’ll eventually think of something. I may not be able to accomplish all of those goals, but I can attempt it and right now, that’s what counts. I’m striving toward trying my best, which may not necessarily result in success. Having goals means I believe I can accomplish something and make something of myself. I think I’m being slightly repetitive, but I’m also stalling on talking about the third reason why I’m so optimistic.

I started off my new year with a very long conversation. I’m slightly bitter as though I was tricked into having the conversation, but no matter because it can’t be undone. After something like an hour on the phone with Matthew we switched it up to IM. The phone call was pleasant, I think. I can’t really recall what we talked about now because the conversation we started up next strikes me as much more poignant. In the time frame of 3 hours I revealed more about myself than I would have liked, trusted him (like way a lot), and even cried. Oh yeah, I was an emotional rollercoaster that morning. I literally started my new year by letting myself become vulnerable. VULNERABLE, like someone weak. I definitely wasn’t OK with it then, but I’m glad it happened, now. Three things I allowed myself to do that I typically do not (and make an effort not to do). So, because of that, thanks Matthew dear. I honestly love Twinkie. And yeahyeah I love friends easily, but that doesn’t matter; I still do love him. It’s not so good an idea to rely on a friend to help me feel motivated and happy, but fighting it will only make it worse. So, like he said, I’ll just cherish him. lololol.

I just took a few photos representing my day (admittedly quite boring so far). All I have left is to take a self-portrait [not necessarily my face] for the day. Side note: these are for my 101 in 1001. Big challenge!

Productivity is key… I want to go read something or accomplish something today. I don’t know what it will be, but it’ll be something. Oh yes, and I must, by the end of the day watch a movie recommended to me. (It better be good, or I’ll cry!)

The day’s never felt so bright.