On my way back home from campus I called both Rona and David. I was sincerely asking for assistance in a matter very important to me. Just how often do I ask anyone to help me, to listen? Typically I don’t. Sandy knows I don’t admit weakness. And asking for help is admitting weakness. So I was left alone to weigh the pros and cons of the decision I needed help making. How am I supposed to consult myself about a matter I was asking for help on?! I do my fair share of listening, giving input when asked, and trying my best to be a good friend. Nefi comes into my room about once a week where we have this sort of “session” for a bit over an hour. One time I wasn’t even back home yet, but waiting to go up the elevator, and she calls me that she’s outside my door so we can talk. Today, Sandy told me about her issues with Carlos and I swear I listened and gave her some form of comfort.
So what’s so wrong with me asking for some small help in making a decision? Why do I expect people to treat me as I treat them? Am I too nice? What do I do? These thoughts run through my head over and over.
Anyway, I guess for record-keeping, the big deal is that I sort of want to resign from AS Program Board. It’s definitely conflicting with events on my own schedule. And if these ASPB events are mandatory, I can’t deal with that. There is no sense of unity right now. Members keep resigning (for various reasons, such as academic)… and so new members have to be added. Members from last year definitely all stick together so it’s just not fun for me anymore. It seems a bit impulsive to say I want to resign from my position, but right now I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. And, honestly, my events are more important to me than ASPB events. I don’t want to go on a retreat with program board members during my birthday, when I could be in Sacramento with Student Lobby. All members of ASPB are going to do is drink. I don’t drink, so what am I supposed to do, just watch? I can’t believe retreat is mandatory.
As I was on my way home, thoughts of hurting myself came back to me, after months of not having any. I wanted to just grab a knife and cut myself ’till I bled and bled and bled. Though, naturally, I don’t have any super sharp knife in my possession, nor any other sharp object with which to hurt myself. It kinda sucks.
Anyway, who should I find sent me some IMs when I got back? Rob. Most unexpected. Friends that I hang out with daily refuse to help me in any way, and who should seem to notice that I’m not that happy? An old friend, that I, in no way, keep in touch with regularly (which is sorta sad). Thanksss, though.
I wrote this earlier while I had some time to kill waiting for Japanese to start:
Brutal Truth (but names changed to numbers)
I really do feel strange not having 3 to talk with. Okay, it’s like, before, I talked to 1, then 2, then 1. Digressing, I feel slightly embarrassed because I don’t know what 2 knows. Slightly is an understatement. I can just FEEL the embarrassment right now, and my cheeks are turning rosy. Terrible. But newaiz…
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to 3. Life sort of went on… I was busy, etc. But at the same time it was almost like all progress was lost from before. I feel angry, upset, and I don’t want to say anything anymore. All trust is gone. Yeah, I’m fine. Whatever. That sort of thing. ):
Someone to talk with will slowly always come my way. And slowly I’ll also hate them, love them, depend on them, push them away, etc. Arrivals and departures at the airport. You just have to wait a little while for that next flight. Lives come and go.
How much of an impact do I have on people’s lives?
I wonder so much that it’s easy to know that I don’t. How easy it would be to die and evanesce. Then I’d just be another long lost memory because I had no impact on anyone.
Only those that are great are remembered.
Then, after listening to Sandy chat it up at The Hub, a question formed in my head. What she said only mildly relates to the topic I started to question. I took it to the next level, and made it much more vague.
Do you prefer an overly emotional or a completely emotionless person?
Note: the emotional dynamics of relationships between people.
Whywhywhy can I not just die?