DayJanuary 22, 2008

Winter Wonderland

I got back to my room sometime around 11pm last night. I took an hour-long stroll through IV for an hour in the freezing cold rain. My face was entirely wet and I could feel the bottom of my jogging-ish pants getting soaked by puddles. None of it really mattered, though. There were certain intervals of time while walking where I would start crying, and I just couldn’t stop. The depression is hitting really hard this time around. And it doesn’t help that there are other factors affecting my life in a negative way right now.

Monday morning something didn’t go my way and I was so upset that I was yelling at my Aunt on the phone (even though she didn’t do anything; her twin was the one that got me so pissed off). Auntie Meme came home from work, we went to iHop to go get breakfast, but I didn’t really feel like talking about it, unless I wanted to get really fucking incredibly pissed off again. I couldn’t think straight, and all I wanted to do was die. Or maybe stab something, someone, maybe even stab myself. I took two Klonopin pills to sort of “relax” me… and I was slightly drowsy, but I didn’t fall asleep. Times like those just… there is no sense of self-control. There’s no undoing the past; it can’t be undone. So because of that I was just so… fucking angry. I really wanted something to happen, but then it didn’t and then the time slot for that came and went. Time is very important to me. If I commit to doing something and I really want it to happen… I lose control when it doesn’t. I stayed in Maggie’s car for an hour, crying at times, or just wanting to really punch something.

Auntie Meme took me to Union Station and I caught the 12:30 train to Santa Barbara. I mostly just texted a lot of people and the time flew by. I took a nap during the last 40 minutes, and I felt slightly better afterward.

I went to go see Cloverfield and The Bucket List after getting back. The movie theater is pretty close by, and Sandy and I went. She watched Cloverfield with me, but then she went back to her room to do homework or whatevers. I watched The Bucket List alone, and in a way, I almost needed it. The movie can be seen positively (as most people will interpret it) or negatively (which I was trying my best to fight off). Yes, there are things to live for, and if you only live once… you should try to do as much as you can with it. At the same time, we’re all just going to die anyways, so why can’t I just die?

Ugh, I’m currently at The Hub on campus and I want to cry. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. Maybe a tear or two here and there. Why is there so much pain stored away inside? And painful emotions, or memories trigger more and more of them. It’s overwhelming, overbearing, and I almost can’t breathe.  Tears always want to fall at the least opportune times. How do I express such sadness? Why is there so much sadness? Are these events in my life really so sad, or do they just affect me differently from the way they typically affect people? So many questions, but none of them relevant to anything at all.

J brought up the idea of “trust” in her latest entry. Trust is always something I have such trouble with on the daily. I don’t trust myself, or others, even if I wanted to. There are periods of time when I’m not so… ugh nevermind. I just don’t particularly feel like having this discussion with myself. I’ll just go in circles and end up more miserable than I already am.

Elizabeth called me last night at midnight. We talked for exactly 2 hrs and some seconds. I’m so glad I have Elizabeth. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. I might have killed myself by now if I didn’t have one TRULY supportive friend. (I want to cry again at my lack of truly supportive friends) I understand not everyone can have “philosophical” conversations, or be introspective, I really do understand that. That’s just the kind of person that I am. I get so tired of stupid drama… I don’t care if she slept with two guys that night, I really don’t. It’s not my place to judge, and it’s also not my problem to deal with as it was a decision she made on her own. The problems in my life… these introspective conversations that I need all the time are about things out of my control. If I knew the root to all of these problems I’d go out of my way to right the wrongs in my life, but I can’t when it’s not me!

Yesyes, I’m so terribly vague, but it makes sense to me. And I’m glad Elizabeth understands all of this. Maybe I should call her right now. I don’t know what else to do, or who to turn to… I’m just so incredibly sad. So sad I can’t explain it, so sad I can’t know how to handle it.

I’m so sad that I rather die.

You know, yesterday, I started looking into overdose. There are pills in my possession that I could use. Would I? I want to, but that’s a completely different discussion and I think I’ll blog about it later tonight. There’s so much more I can say. So much more.