Winter Wonderland

I got back to my room sometime around 11pm last night. I took an hour-long stroll through IV for an hour in the freezing cold rain. My face was entirely wet and I could feel the bottom of my jogging-ish pants getting soaked by puddles. None of it really mattered, though. There were certain intervals of time while walking where I would start crying, and I just couldn’t stop. The depression is hitting really hard this time around. And it doesn’t help that there are other factors affecting my life in a negative way right now.

Monday morning something didn’t go my way and I was so upset that I was yelling at my Aunt on the phone (even though she didn’t do anything; her twin was the one that got me so pissed off). Auntie Meme came home from work, we went to iHop to go get breakfast, but I didn’t really feel like talking about it, unless I wanted to get really fucking incredibly pissed off again. I couldn’t think straight, and all I wanted to do was die. Or maybe stab something, someone, maybe even stab myself. I took two Klonopin pills to sort of “relax” me… and I was slightly drowsy, but I didn’t fall asleep. Times like those just… there is no sense of self-control. There’s no undoing the past; it can’t be undone. So because of that I was just so… fucking angry. I really wanted something to happen, but then it didn’t and then the time slot for that came and went. Time is very important to me. If I commit to doing something and I really want it to happen… I lose control when it doesn’t. I stayed in Maggie’s car for an hour, crying at times, or just wanting to really punch something.

Auntie Meme took me to Union Station and I caught the 12:30 train to Santa Barbara. I mostly just texted a lot of people and the time flew by. I took a nap during the last 40 minutes, and I felt slightly better afterward.

I went to go see Cloverfield and The Bucket List after getting back. The movie theater is pretty close by, and Sandy and I went. She watched Cloverfield with me, but then she went back to her room to do homework or whatevers. I watched The Bucket List alone, and in a way, I almost needed it. The movie can be seen positively (as most people will interpret it) or negatively (which I was trying my best to fight off). Yes, there are things to live for, and if you only live once… you should try to do as much as you can with it. At the same time, we’re all just going to die anyways, so why can’t I just die?

Ugh, I’m currently at The Hub on campus and I want to cry. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. Maybe a tear or two here and there. Why is there so much pain stored away inside? And painful emotions, or memories trigger more and more of them. It’s overwhelming, overbearing, and I almost can’t breathe.  Tears always want to fall at the least opportune times. How do I express such sadness? Why is there so much sadness? Are these events in my life really so sad, or do they just affect me differently from the way they typically affect people? So many questions, but none of them relevant to anything at all.

J brought up the idea of “trust” in her latest entry. Trust is always something I have such trouble with on the daily. I don’t trust myself, or others, even if I wanted to. There are periods of time when I’m not so… ugh nevermind. I just don’t particularly feel like having this discussion with myself. I’ll just go in circles and end up more miserable than I already am.

Elizabeth called me last night at midnight. We talked for exactly 2 hrs and some seconds. I’m so glad I have Elizabeth. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. I might have killed myself by now if I didn’t have one TRULY supportive friend. (I want to cry again at my lack of truly supportive friends) I understand not everyone can have “philosophical” conversations, or be introspective, I really do understand that. That’s just the kind of person that I am. I get so tired of stupid drama… I don’t care if she slept with two guys that night, I really don’t. It’s not my place to judge, and it’s also not my problem to deal with as it was a decision she made on her own. The problems in my life… these introspective conversations that I need all the time are about things out of my control. If I knew the root to all of these problems I’d go out of my way to right the wrongs in my life, but I can’t when it’s not me!

Yesyes, I’m so terribly vague, but it makes sense to me. And I’m glad Elizabeth understands all of this. Maybe I should call her right now. I don’t know what else to do, or who to turn to… I’m just so incredibly sad. So sad I can’t explain it, so sad I can’t know how to handle it.

I’m so sad that I rather die.

You know, yesterday, I started looking into overdose. There are pills in my possession that I could use. Would I? I want to, but that’s a completely different discussion and I think I’ll blog about it later tonight. There’s so much more I can say. So much more.

3 thoughts on “Winter Wonderland

  1. I think it’s okay to be sad and to feel a great deal of sadness. Sometimes, it will be hard to express, but when you do, it’s a great release. You should definitely call your friend Elizabeth because you can trust her with all of these things.

    It’s going to be hard to get out of the depression, but when you do, when you get out of it, you will feel so much better knowing that you were able to.

    And if it gets really bad, please, contact someone. There are people out there who would be devastated if you were to leave the world. I can understand how it feels; I sent myself to the hospital a few months back because of this and well, I’m still here.

    Reach out to people. You never know who’s going to be there to catch your fall and you will definitely be amazed at how many people are willing to stand by your side.

    And if worse comes to worse, look at some cute kitties:

  2. You sound really sad here. Are you feeling okay now? Or at least better than before? Walking in the rain is not usually a good idea (pneumonia), but in this case, it seemed to have cleansed and purified, at least for a while. Focus on the things that make you feel good. This will make the coming days a little lighter and easier to deal with.

    About my entry, I guess I should have slap it with a warning lable. It wasn’t my intention to have anyone crying, but you seem to be the most affected by it.

    It looks like you don’t have anyone to turn to for support. But I’m around if you ever need to just talk. Let me know if you do. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through (depression), you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.

    Hope you feel better,

  3. Well, it’s good that you’re telling Elizabeth about these things because it sounds like she really helps you out. Don’t feel too sad that you only have one truly supportive friend. A lot of folks don’t even have one in an entire lifetime! You’re very lucky to have a great friend like Elizabeth. Even one good friend like that is a real, precious gift. 🙂

    I know what it is like to feel like you’re better off dead, but I can tell you that isn’t true! I contemplated suicide a few months ago, and I still cut from time to time. But I am so much better now. A lot of that’s because I’ve taught myself to count my blessings. Your life has good things in it, too. I know that it’s really crappy sometimes, but I think the good things are worth sticking around for.

    I don’t want to sound condescending or patronising because I have been through the same and am now on the way to making recovery. Here’s a website that really helped me when I was having nasty thoughts like you. Whenever you feel like giving up, just take a few more minutes to read this through. It really helped me – perhaps you will benefit, too.

    Good luck! Hang in there. Elizabeth can vouch that you’re a beautiful, lovely person and the world would be a sadder, lonelier place without you there to make it that bit more stunning a place to live!

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