DayFebruary 25, 2008

Stop Dreaming

I wrote this on Monday afternoon, on the train. I think the server was down so I wasn’t able to get it up, but backdating this is OK ‘cus I wrote it yesterday. (:

Don’t close your eyes. This is your life. Are you who you wanna be? Is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose? Yesterday is dead and over. And today is all you’ve got now. And today is all you’ll ever have.

This song makes me want to cry. I want to appreciate life for all it is. And I want to be who I wished I would become when I was a child.
– Who did I wish I would be?
– Who am I now?
– What do I have now that I should appreciate?
– What can I do to improve my life, today?

The tears are forming but there’s no way in hell I’m going to cry now, in public, of all places. I always find that I most want to cry when I’m in public. Not that I do it on purpose. I mean more like when I want to cry I happen to be in public more often than not. Alright, playing a few other songs now, but now it’s as though I’ve lost my train of thought and the fleeting moment of interesting thoughts came and went. This new song means something completely different to me, unrelated to this topic. Fuck. Let’s play that other song again. Lol…

Mmkies, I’m playing the song over now. Haha… music inspires.

There was a time when I was younger when I had aspirations of being a psychologist and learning as many languages as possible. Everything seemed possible when the world was younger. Though, looking back at my past, in terms of school, I didn’t do so well, or I did excellently depending on which years you pick. Every other year I practically failed everything. And every other year I did everything better than expected with nothing but A’s. It’s always been like that. For each year of failure I have had a year of amazing success. Naturally I could detail every year and explain what I mean, but that’s not necessary (unless I re-read this when I’m old & with some kind of mentally deteriorating disease and I’ll regret not having recounted every damn memory). These memories have not yet faded from my memory, but that’s not saying much because they will sooner or later.

I started filling out a bunch of myspace surveys and a lot of them asked which side I sleep on every night. Then, one night as I was lying in bed I could not remember which side I actually do sleep on. And I couldn’t sleep at all due to indecision and discomfort. Crazy stuffs. Mm, I think I’ve found my side again, but unless I reread those myspace surveys I can’t be sure I made the right assumption. Some nights I can sleep on the side that I could never sleep on before, but only if I’m dead tired (and occasionally I am due to lack of sleep). Sleep… something I haven’t been doing too well with. My whole schedule is just thrown off.

Aw, I wish I had just captured this moment in a photo: The train just passed the Van Nuys station, and a nice-looking woman with long brown hair carrying her child was waving up at us. It was just beautiful in a strange sort of way. One of those moments you want to cling on to because it may never happen again, at least not in the same way. I want to go back and live it again, but if I were able to she wouldn’t be smiling the same way, the wave would be different, or perhaps she wouldn’t wave up at us at all. I sound like the nameless main character in Rebecca. Maybe that’s why I love the novel so much; I can relate so well to small, nearly insignificant thoughts that I figured no one would understand or feel.

Wow, but I’m digressing so badly.

Everything looks so beautiful right now. The green of the grass, the tall trees, the sun making the dew drops on leaves glisten. Even the sun feels warm and comforting where normally it just hurts my eyes and reminds me that I don’t want to get so tanned; I happen to like my skin color. But that’s so beside the point.

Whisper you love me.

One more hour and forty-five minutes until I’m at the train station and back at UCSB. I regret having stayed at home few extra hours. It’s like I didn’t do anything worthwhile at home except read a bit, and sleep in (though not really because I got 7hrs of sleep, but it’s more than usual).

I’ve been staring absentmindedly outside the window of the train and having a stream of thoughts – some crazy, some crazier than crazy, and just plain wishful thinking. At this very moment I just want to sit next to someone and hold my knees to my chest. Fuck, I just did that staring outside the window thing again. It would be crazy-cool to have the ability to cease all thought and just … sit in peaceful silence. Uh, is that meditation? Well whatever.

Should I decide to type what I’m thinking, I wouldn’t be able to put this on my blog later. Not at all. I hate all of my thoughts, and I hate myself. I hate myself so badly it hurts to live. And I didn’t answer any of my initial questions. At least there are questions, and perhaps one day I will answer them. Just not right now. Just not today.

Do you believe that there’s hope? I’m not so sure.