MonthMarch 2008

The Innocent Letter

I feel calm. Normal. Sane. Everything appears to make sense. Clarity of mind, I will call it.

Today was an amazing day back. Spring break has begun well. I can only hope that this thought/feeling lasts a while. For the sake of simplicity I’m just going to paste what I told Matt:

(10:14:34 PM): how’s your day been
xportraitbruise (10:15:14 PM): it was amazing.
10:15:25 PM): what happened
xportraitbruise (10:16:36 PM): a really great first day back. I enjoyed my classes, the aspb meeting went very well, i ate breakfast&lunch alone (and it just felt sort of good… time to reflect, be independent), finished the book, and i got veryveryvery excited during philosophy 100a.
(10:17:19 PM): yeah
(10:17:21 PM): why excited
xportraitbruise (10:17:53 PM): I might have mentioned in the summer when I took an intro to ethics philosophy class? well, phil 100a is an ethics class.
(10:18:07 PM): yeah, i vaguely recall it
xportraitbruise (10:18:09 PM): and then you know, i had that ethics freshman seminar fall quarter.
xportraitbruise (10:18:30 PM): I just… I don’t know, love the vagueness of it all.
xportraitbruise (10:18:51 PM): Yet, it’s applicable to everything…
(10:19:10 PM): lmao
xportraitbruise (10:19:13 PM): I genuinely felt excited to be sitting there in the class.
(10:19:15 PM): kinda like astrology!!!
xportraitbruise (10:19:19 PM): oh stfu
(10:19:21 PM): you’re crazy
xportraitbruise (10:19:40 PM): You know, class typically means work, or a boring lecture.
xportraitbruise (10:19:50 PM): but… it was like a breath of fresh air
xportraitbruise (10:20:02 PM): strange, yes, but that’s OK.
(10:20:12 PM): nah, that’s not strange, i can appreciate that
xportraitbruise (10:20:55 PM): the only sad thing is that i’m not taking japanese this quarter. for academic and very logical reasons i know i shouldn’t. i can’t handle. things will get more stressful.
xportraitbruise (10:21:40 PM): I stopped by the classroom at 1pm (when I was going to take it with my friends) and just chatted it up with them before they went in to class. It’s very sad.
(10:23:44 PM): don’t overthink it, or something
(10:23:57 PM): what’s sad about dropping a class you’re not doing well in
xportraitbruise (10:24:25 PM): No, that’s the thing, I was doing fine. It was everything else that went downnnhill.
(10:24:54 PM): well you stressed about that class more than a little
(10:25:00 PM): so it’s for the best
xportraitbruise (10:25:48 PM): Yes, of course it’s for the best… that’s why I’m not taking it. I convinced myself to do what would most benefit me… and not do what I most enjoyed.
xportraitbruise (10:28:16 PM): I feel strangely sane, normal, and have a foreign clarity of mind. But with it comes a strange fear that I know it’s not going to last.

Tomorrow is the first day of April. The theme for the month is Letters. I can hardly wait.

So Insecure

To begin my entry I’m going to mention that I have completed another goal from my 101 in 1001. Ryan took it upon himself to read my goals and upon returning from away on AIM he told me that he wants to make a list as well. I’m glad to have inspired him to make his life just that much better. I’m also glad to have him back in my life, so to speak. He’s finished with school and he’s finally online! Honestly, it felt like we hadn’t spoken for half a year. Ryan makes me happy. ♥

Yesterday I started reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. I’m more than halfway done already, and I have mixed feelings about the “quality” of the book. The beginning feels much too rushed. It’s like she’s quickly summarizing bits and pieces of her childhood through her college years. I was particularly interested in her life while attending UCLA, yet she mentioned but fragments of those years. Jamison introduces struggles such as failing many classes, not being able to attend lectures due to depression and in the next paragraph she’s married and planning to attend grad school. I fail to see how she got through it… and it honestly sounds more like she started during her adolescence so she feels obligated to continue in a linear timeline (but often fails).

Perhaps it’s because I’m in college right now that I add weight to the importance of that time period, and I’m just a lot more curious. I definitely wanted more from the beginning of the memoir. Mm, but at times she gives too much… ironically enough… but not about the things I want to read. She’s much too descriptive! If it were a regular novel, suuuure I’d care what color their robes were, but for a memoir I couldn’t care less. If Jamison suffers from bipolar disorder, I figure she’d discuss more of her emotional states, but when she does, they’re completely separate from the “story” and it’s italicized. Should not the emotions be part of the story and not added in here and there?

There’s also the problem with the fact that she’s written this much too long after having experienced it. A lot of it sounds so distant, like she can’t really relate to the pain she felt way back when. Some of this does take place in the 70s mind you, so it’s pointless to blame the memory of an aging adult. Honestly though, some bits seem too forced, like she’s trying to emulate that emotion from long ago, which really doesn’t make me empathize with her at all.

Eh, but I still like the memoir. Especially towards the middle, it gets much more interesting and the memories are a lot more poignant. Everything is suddenly much more exciting and I can feel the enthusiasm Jamison must have felt writing it; the prose just gets better. And my favorite part is that often I find myself nodding and agreeing all while dying inside that yes, I feel that way, too.

Hopefully I will be able to finish this tonight depending on the amount of time I have and level of energy after spending some time with my bestie Rona.

Some days I wonder if my life will ever be worth writing about.

Sing This Song

Omg. Omg. Just… omg. Why is everyone around me doing so much growing? Why do I notice everyone else’s improvements and how they’re maturing into amazing adults? (Hopefully that will at least help me become a better psychologist, but newaiz) I feel like I’m stuck in one moment in time, and I’m not going anywhere (except maybe ocassionally down).

At some point I need to stop focusing on other people and start worrying about myself. Comparisons do me no good, that’s for sure. I’m so bored with myself. Aren’t these things supposed to come naturally? And by these things I mean maturity, life experience, self-improvement, etcccc.

I miss talking to Ryan. Last I left him he was extremely silly, without a care in the world. Now he’s done with school, is deciding between two possible jobs in his career of choice, and I can tell he’s grown.

If only there were a way of capturing my essence into a bottle. And five years from now I could open it and compare myself only with myself. Maybe only then will I be able to recognize I’m not getting worse at life… or maybe I am. lmao.

What is up with me & Elizabeth? A sad realization has come to mind, or my memory is broken. I think my memory just recently “reset” because I can barely remember anything we ever talked about, ever. Same with a few other people. I hate memory resets.

It’s like none of it ever happened.

Why Should I Care?

The steadily worsening economy.
Those anorexics walking ahead.
Pets without homes.
Homeless families in every corner.

These things depress me, and they have absolutely nothing to do with me. Why should I care at all?

As a strange completely unrelated side note: I’m at the Santa Anita mall right now and there are so so so many cute Asians here. I love this mall.