What are the repercussions of staying off my medication? It feels strange to call it that; it’s a word I associate with pills someone takes when they are physically ill.

Strangely, I’m smiling up at the ceiling right now. A memory just came to mind. The walls to my bedroom used to be a dark purple color, and I remember sitting on the cold marble floor, with a blood-stained towel in my hand. My mother and I had just argued, and fought, I guess is the appropriate word. I think my lips were bleeding, or something like that. The pain was overwhelming, but not really in a physical way. And for all that pain, I couldn’t cry. And I couldn’t call anyone to explain in words what that moment in time felt like.

All I have are distant memories that don’t seem to belong to my life.

The puzzle pieces don’t fit. How did I become who I am now? There are such sharply contrasting memories in my mind. My mother, my brother, and I at Sea World for Easter three years ago. Days in which I sat in my room all alone, and in the dark, with a razor in my hand, cutting myself. Standing outside the house waiting for one of my aunts to pick me up because my mom kicked me out. Having a conversation with Brian at an iHop about what I’m going to do to improve my relationship with my mother. Showing Elizabeth and Jean a bruise my mother gave me, telling someone for the first time ever that I had problems. Sitting in my room with a knife in my hand at a very early age, thinking I could use that to slit my wrists. Getting strapped onto a gurney to be hospitalized. My US History teacher from 5th grade, Mrs. Bright, asking me why I used my mother’s last name instead of my father’s. Disneyland with the most amazing people in the world 11th grade. Shopping with Lisa and Jessika. Passing a note to Paula in Honors Bio that one day in 9th grade after she mentioned that she also web-designs. And right now, typing this entry with mixed feelings.

As stupid as this sounds, who am I?

I feel like here I am again, talking to myself. I’m not trying to make any points. And I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. While there are questions I could ask myself, there are no answers. Yet again, another pointless entry.

Emotions. They really are weak. I’ve been having that thought for some days now. Perhaps for a while I thought they were alright, acceptable, maybe normal. But, no. My mentality really has not changed at all. Weakness is unacceptable. Except if I keep thinking about it, everything is weak.

I just don’t get it.

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Morning. New day. Happy Easter!

I basically just got off the phone with Rob. You figure, talk to someone that will totally understand right? Well, yes… except I forgot our situations have one crucial difference! And not kidding when I say crucial difference. So instead of getting some kind of support, he’s trying to convince me of the opposite of what I currently believe. What’s worse is I want to believe him, and I easily could, but I’d be retarded to do that. Fo’ sho.

After that conversation I called Rona ‘cus I told her I would call her after I got back from dinner. I’m very tired and sleepy right now, but I tried to get a lot said rather quickly so not sure if I even made any sense… but in the end she threw in that she agrees more with “the original idea,” not Rob’s.

And now I am terribly confused.

The bad thing about talking to someone that knows you extremely well and that you know equally well is that you already know what they’re going to say… So I can’t call Elizabeth. It’d be like listening to an “I told you so,” without those exact words.

I just emailed Sakuragi-sensei, expressing concerns about Japanese… it’s like, yes… I really do want to take it and yes, I really do want to keep learning, but I know I shouldn’t. How can I be destructive and productive all at once?!

I didn’t take my pillz today… tomorrow will decide what I do. After about two days of no Lamictal and I probably have to start over again, and since I’m on spring break that’s not until I see my psychiatrist… when I go back to school.

Oh, the timing… it really sucks. As it is I can’t contain my anger around my mother. Today I literally had to walk the fuck away because I couldn’t stand her anymore. I wanted to stab her, and I twittered, “I want to punch that bitch in the face.” This week will not end well. I cannot spend this much time with my mother. We cannot be in each others’ presence for more than a day. And then there’s all the stress from schoooool… Lmao, yessss… perfect time to make my life worse.

Welcome back, bi-polar. ):

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I’m officially not going to take Japanese 3 next quarter. Yeah… I’m really sad and bummed out about it, but I think it’s for the best. There are more important things to focus on Spring quarter. If I could take it, I would, but I know a heavy course load like that would only lead to insta-fail. At this point I’m just trying to convince myself that what I’m doing is going to help me in the long-run. Should I do summer sessions, I could take it then. And then in the Fall resume with Japanese 4. It sounds all complicated and shit, but I really am interested in the language (except that I want to take it w/o killing myself first yannoe?).

(A line from a Power Rangers movie just came to mind; Kimberly/Pink Ranger says, “See you next fall!” after tripping a “monster” … lol. How profound. That’s exactly what I’m doing.)

Too many depressing things are going on all at once.

It’s difficult to believe that here I am, typing on my laptop while in bed, debating what course load I can and cannot handle. More than anything it feels like I’m giving myself this well thought-out lecture, and what I’m really trying to say is that it’s time to grow up.

If only my actions made as much sense as these words do.

Spring Break. And I’ve never been more stressed.

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