Cinco de Mayo

[written in JDarkRoom on the train this morning]

Ooh Cinco de Mayo! I just realized it after typing the date. Lol, I’ve heard UCSBers like to party it up today (even though it’s Monday?). Oh too funny. They make any excuse to drink. I hate people that drink illegally. I really do. Can’t people feel free to have fun without having to resort to drinking alcohol? The lame excuse that they feel free and loose with it is silly (even if it may be true) because people should learn to deal with their insecurities and dance the night away regardless of intoxication level. I just don’t understand it.

It may be that I’ve learned that alcohol is “bad” through the stories and firsthand account of what my grandmother suffered and how she drank the sorrow away. First of all, people seem to disregard the fact that alcohol is a depressant. Already that’s illogical. Or maybe it’s because my father was a drug-addict… and while alcohol isn’t the worst of drugs (and it’s legal – for those over 21) it still counts as one.

(Side note: why I’m writing here and not in my moleskine journal will be explained soon enough)

I’m totally going off on a tangent! I need not be discussing this when I can get to why I’m really writing on here. I want to quote some of my fave lines/bits/sections from Mount Misery since I have been reading it for quite some time. (: It’d be too much to copy that onto my new moleskine journal. I’ve never been one for transcribing by pen. Tedious work indeed!

1)        “‘But maybe I’m not so bad?’ she said. ‘All this doom and gloom. Maybe I shouldn’t come into the hospital at all? Isn’t it a sign of weakness?'”

I’m so mixed when I feel anything be it depression or hypomania. If I keep thinking about it long enough everything is a sign of weakness. Everything. Asking for help is a weakness, feeling any emotion in the first place is weakness, attempting to fix your own problems and then upon failing suddenly resorting to confiding in someone is weakness. Asking for help is NOT strong. It’s admitting to the fact that you had emotions in the first place and then secondly you’re admitting to being incapable of handling one small insignificant problem. And by insignificant I mean that the thoughts usually go away (be it suppression or what have you).

2)        “I figured that given his WASPdom, where any opening up is followed by a more harsh closing down, he was ashamed to see me again and to use Zoe’s phrase, ‘gone back into his Happy Box.'”

Why is it that with any progress made the regression has to be twice as bad? And then comes the whole pretending to be OK… which I never really am to begin with (lol unless I’m on pillz!)… reminding me that I need to make an appointment with Dr. Bimbela again to get a new prescription so I can start taking Lamictal. Oh I hate how it’s a complicated medicine. You stop and you need to start over. All progress lost. Just like everything else in my life. Mm, another topic has come to mind but has nothing to do with this quote. Maybe I’ll write about it in a few paragraphs.

3)        “‘My problem is I see the potential in men. I never only see what’s there, I see what could be there. In every relationship, I try like hell to help men to fulfill that potential, and I’m always disappointed.'”

Okay so I could very easily apply this only to guys or whateverthefuck, but I think it applies more to everyone in general. Maybe deep in my subconscious I think people are intrinsically good…? I know that’s silly, naive, lalala… and some people might even think that’s a good way to think or quite the opposite, a very stupid way to think. I should not have any expectations of people even though it makes me sad to think that way. Shouldn’t I have some right to expect a little something from people (in particular, friends and/or family)?

Wait, I sort of digressed from the initial thought I had with the quote. I’m trying to talk about that one thought I had after quote number 2. Okok lemme get back on track:

I will apply this to men. Lol, men, what a funny word. Anyway. I become so enamored with people I can “help” or that I feel… are capable of at least thinking in some stupid strangely profound way. And it’s me that leads these people astray into the madhouse of serious thought. And quickly I’m in love with their compliance, for their willingness to abide by my crazy conversational rules. I’m not really getting at anything that I want to get at. This is a dead subject.

And I will be all alone.

If there’s something that I know I do well it’s knowing how to be a good friend. You can call me at any time any day or night and you will take precedence over what I was currently doing because I sincerely care and know you called because you need me right now. I listen. I give sound advice (that I so rarely will apply to myself, but trust me, my advice is pretty aites, fo’ sho). And people do call. And people do come literally knocking on my door to talk. And I don’t mind. If I complain about it it’s not because I really mind, but because people don’t care about me back.

When they call they rush into their problems, skipping formalities, skipping hellos. And it’s never about me. And I never get to say I’m not alright, thanks for asking. (Because as I said earlier I’m never OK.) Were I to call someone I would definitely go through formalities and then it’d be about them, and then I’d get genuinely interested and the conversation would never return to “And how are you doing?” because people forget, people don’t care.

I mean, yes, I do talk about myself, but that’s to make conversation. I’m talking about the sincere “this is how I’m doing” type of conversation that I don’t ever get to say.

There’s no one I can call at 1 in the morning, crying, because that’s just something I don’t do. And that’s something no one would do for me. I have a feeling I wouldn’t get the time of day if I started doing stuff like that to people. Oh, but they can do it to me (and I do not mind).

An imbalance is present here. Do you know how to fix it? Surely I don’t or I would have fixed it already. Mm, but not everything in life CAN be fixed. Why do I even bother explaining myself?

And I will be all alone.

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1 Comment

  1. asdf.

    Where do I begin?

    A year ago, these cops and lawyers wouldn’t dare…

    My bad, that went somewhere else.

    So there’s clearly a double-standard here. One worth this huge blog entry. The question is, is it a double-standard you CARE about? Let’s see, people don’t care about you, but you care about them. That’s the perception on your part. Most of this is frankly teenage girl inferiority complex going on, since people DO care about you, or they wouldn’t put up with you. Because let’s be honest, you’re kind of annoying (<3)

    But uh, if you have no problem with other people relying on you and don’t feel like you can rely on them, what’s the problem? It’s not that anybody’s disappointed you, you didn’t give them the chance.

    I don’t want to say you’re acting like a doormat, but maybe you are a little. And if you reinforce that behavior with your shoulder to cry on and middling-to-good advice, people’ll keep using you in that regard.

    That’s how people are, they’re sheep.

    Not me, though, I don’t need my behavior reinforced, perk of insanity.
    Maybe this is a bigger problem for you than you’re letting on, maybe you care more about how people care about you than you’re saying. If that’s the case, you need to demand a lil respek.

    Nice guys finish last, but, nice chicks, they finish last too. 🙁

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