DayMay 10, 2008

Bright Lights (All Alone)

There are two backdated entries that I have yet to type up, but will be soon. I’ll do it in the morning.

At 10pm last night I went for a walk through Isla Vista, alone. It seems I have to do everything alone. I’m amazed at my serious lack of friends. Whomever said it’s quality over quantity was a bullshit liar. It really depends on how high a quality friend you have because unless they’re super amazing friends, having just 2 of them isn’t worth shit. Having more friends on the other hand means there is a statistically higher chance that one of them will want to do something just because there are more of them to ask.

I went to go get a cookiewich from IV Drip and a burrito from Freebirds. Afterward I walked to the office, where I am now, alone, watching TV shows online. There was orange juice in the fridge, and two blankets on the couches. I’m nice and warm and having fun, although… alone.

I’ve been watching episodes all day during my hour breaks from class of an undisclosed show. I don’t want to really say what show it is until I’m positive I’m going to make the commitment of catching up to the current season. So far I’m totally diggin’ it.

And, Eric just IMed me. I’d like to share a tidbit here:

Me: Can I just say something, please?
Eric: go ahead
Me: Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind listening to you or getting your calls at all sorts of hours in the day/night, but… you SERIOUSLY need something else to talk about. ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT IS SARAH. It gets very old, very boring, and it’s like omfg … just stfu already sometimes.
Eric: hahaha.
Me: EVERY time we talk there’s always something new to say about SARAH. I couldn’t care less really.
Eric: i suppose i shouldn’t have gone to you for ONLY my problems with her
i don’t know, it’s kind of hard to relate to you
Me: I’m the easiest person in the world to talk to.
Eric: o rly?
Me: Dunno what you’re talkin’ bouts.
Eric: it’s supposed to be ya rly
Me: People come to me for ALL their problems.
Eric: you seem to be really great for that
Me: But it gets to a point where 1. you didn’t even say HI 2. you NEVER ask how III am doing.
Eric: well, great! how are YOU doing today?
Me: I’m having this issue with everyone.
So sorry if you’re the first one I sort of get annoyed at. Though I’m not annoyed
Just kinda SAD

Eric: aside from being pissed that i seemed to have overlooked this ever increasingly simple fact
and i’m sorry
so let’s ctrl-alt-del x 2 and go from there.
how was your day today?
Me: Oh, it’s too late now.
Eric: for the short hour and 30 minutes that it was
i see.
well, i guess i’ll save it for next time then
Me: Sure.

The skepticism should be noted, though. I don’t honestly believe people will remember to be considerate towards me even if I do tell them very kindly and politely what I told Eric.

I hate feeling so alone.

Something my mom and aunt Elle said last weekend still kinda stings. They didn’t mean any harm and I doubt they know how true their statement was.

So I was telling them about how I went to go see The Bucket List at the movie theaters a while back alone. Note emphasis on alone. We were talking about it because Auntie Elle has recently watched it and she loved it lots. Anyway then my mom mentioned the fact that I got another concert ticket in the mail, and my auntie Elle asked, “Just one?” I nodded, and kinda felt the need to explain myself.

I mentioned how no one I know really likes my type of music or if they do they don’t exactly go to concerts. I felt sort of bad in a weird way as though I didn’t have any friends or something… it was weird. I decided not to dwell on it and instead continued to hang out with my little brother.

That’s another thing. At family gatherings I’m the only one in my age range. So, I can either pretend to be an adult and mingle with them, or I can pretend to be a child and hang out with the little kiddies (all in the age range of 10-12).

Why isn’t there ever anyone for me to hang out with? Really, it’s entirely too depressing and I’m starting to feel left out from the world. Wow, I cry a lot don’t I? It’s a recent development, honest.

I wish there was someone – anyone – I could call at any time of the day when I feel sad.

And yet, I don’t.