DayMay 15, 2008

“I Can’t Feel Anything Anymore”

As I was lying in bed just now those words came floating to my head. And I kept repeating it over and over and all I could remember was that a woman said those words, with an accent, in some movie. A quick google search reminded me it was Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta.

Everything that could have gone wrong this week did. And worse. I felt sad when I got back to my dorm, shed a few tears, looked up at the ceiling while lying down on the floor, and then got over it. Over everything.

Now I’m not sad anymore. Not even if I wanted to be [sad] could I be. I just feel angry now. Not violently angry, or out of control angry. Just… upset. A bit mad. There’s nothing I can do to change all the bad shit that happened this week. Not a thing. And that sort of makes me mad.

Another thing that upsets me is that I keep thinking, “I need you now more than ever.” Then I come to the realization that I have no reason whatsoever to be thinking that. In fact, I shouldn’t. I have no right whatsoever.

Things happen for a reason. Life WILL go on (it has to because it doesn’t revolve one single solitary event). Even if right now I don’t feel what happened this week was for the best there’s no changing it now.

Like Elizabeth has been referencing, The Stages of Grief:

  • Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
  • Depression (I don’t care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

I’m somewhere in between those stages, but I don’t think I went in that exact order. Whatever. I’m a nonconformist (uh… the veracity of that statement cannot be verified, but it seems appropriate to say).

Note to NONE: Will you at least give me a hint? You’ve been nothing but kind. We should talk sometime.

Waiting For The Sun

New day. And despite the fact that I’ve been sleeping like crazy I actually am sleepy right now. So easily I could fall asleep right now. But I’m not going to because there are other things I can do to occupy my time with besides sleep life away. That gets old and boring rather too quickly.

Last week I bought a watercolor painting set that I have yet to open. And the last time I practiced my calligraphy was last year. So even though I bought more ink I haven’t done anything with that yet. I need to finish the film on my holga so I can go get it developed and see what comes out! I haven’t used my DSLR in ages. I’ve given up on writing any short stories (I’m too insecure).

So, despite all that – I’m going to start a new art project! Argh, and apparently spend more money. Bi-polar is an expensive disorder, I tell you. Anyway, here’s what I want to do:

Inkjet Image Transfers

And the only reason I want to do it is because their example is on a cahier moleskine journal. How lame am I?! Lol… but they are pretty plain, so I don’t mind decorating them a bit. The cahier ones I use for notes and reminders. I can’t do it to the front cover of my journal, but I can to the inside. (: I guess it’s just a matter now of finding the time and the creativity to do this.

And I just joined Mission 24 on Flickr.

Goals keep me sane. If I didn’t make goals my life would be very boring. Speaking of goals, I need to get on my 101 Goals in 1001 Days. I haven’t updated the list in a while and I haven’t looked at it either, to see what I can get done. Gah.

Oh, and I think this cover is most unexpected, funny, but also pretty catchy:

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=heiswnjSVuU[/youtube]

Apart from being very bored today I think I’m starting to feel better. Yey!