May 15, 2008

As I was lying in bed just now those words came floating to my head. And I kept repeating it over and over and all I could remember was that a woman said those words, with an accent, in some movie. A quick google search reminded me it was Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta.

Everything that could have gone wrong this week did. And worse. I felt sad when I got back to my dorm, shed a few tears, looked up at the ceiling while lying down on the floor, and then got over it. Over everything.

Now I’m not sad anymore. Not even if I wanted to be [sad] could I be. I just feel angry now. Not violently angry, or out of control angry. Just… upset. A bit mad. There’s nothing I can do to change all the bad shit that happened this week. Not a thing. And that sort of makes me mad.

Another thing that upsets me is that I keep thinking, “I need you now more than ever.” Then I come to the realization that I have no reason whatsoever to be thinking that. In fact, I shouldn’t. I have no right whatsoever.

Things happen for a reason. Life WILL go on (it has to because it doesn’t revolve one single solitary event). Even if right now I don’t feel what happened this week was for the best there’s no changing it now.

Like Elizabeth has been referencing, The Stages of Grief:

• Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
• Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore)
• Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

I’m somewhere in between those stages, but I don’t think I went in that exact order. Whatever. I’m a nonconformist (uh… the veracity of that statement cannot be verified, but it seems appropriate to say).

Note to NONE: Will you at least give me a hint? You’ve been nothing but kind. We should talk sometime.