I need to continue (and gather in one place) all the rules I need to live by for a happy life.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are so bleh-ish.

I feel very mixed-state-ish. Hard to explain. It feels good not caring. But then I started crying because I read a suicide letter a 10-year old wrote. It’s so coincidental that the week I’m arguing with my mother in emails about bipolar disorder is the same week Newsweek has three articles (including the cover story) on the disorder.

Every time someone has twittered today I’ve jumped at my phone. Tuesdays and Thursdays typically mean no human contact (until night time, except today). So I haven’t seen anyone or spoken to anyone except for Anna at lunch and Rona at dinner. I can’t stay trapped in my own mind all day; I fall into so deep a depression I’ve done stupid things on these days before.

One Tuesday I just literally never got up out of bed and the other I drugged myself to stay asleep for 20 hours.

I totally owned my Ethics midterm yesterday. I knew everything! It was a piece of cake, seriously. And the information hasn’t left my brain, like… I just know/love the material. (: Unfortunately my Phil 3 (Critical Thinking) midterm went so poorly I wouldn’t be surprised if I failed the whole midterm. But you know, you win and you lose some. Least I did well on the first Phil 3 midterm so there is still time to redeem myself on the final (and I can still keep turning in all the homework). Ohoh, and math midterm tomorrow. Argh.

So You Think You Can Dance is tonight, in a few minutes!! Finally something to do today.

Subject: For your iPod

From: Me
To: Mother

Since you have an iPod, I think this PodCast would interest you:

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=261721361

There is an episode called Teens With Bipolar disorder. It’s an hour long discussion and you can just put it on your iPod and listen to it when you’re in the car or on the go. I think a lot of it is just very dead-on. While I’m not young anymore, it really does talk about a lot of what we went through when I was younger. And some of it still pertains now. It’s sooo right… it’s a bit surprising.

Alright, well have a good day!! If you need help to put it on your iPod just let me know!!

From: Mom
To: Me

You don’t think you were just a plain bad child when you were younger and now?  We all do good things and bad things and sometimes we regret the bad things we do, but also gives us the opportunity to be better people

From: Me
To: Mom

No, I firmly believe this is beyond just good behavior, bad behavior. Normal people with such behavior don’t experience nights in which they don’t need sleep to keep going and suicidal thoughts. It’s not normal behavior. Please listen to the podcast (it’s only an hour long) and then maybe we can have a more in-depth conversation on the matter.

Love you!

Btw, this weekend is a three day weekend for me. Do you work/not work? Maybe you can come Saturday or something… or Monday. Depending your schedule. Alright, talk to you later.

From: Mom
To: Me

Adela, if you firmly believe you  are ill and the treatment helps then continue it and move on.  You are now a young adult and don’t need other people to believe if you are sick or not.  Its good there is a treatment for your illness and be content with that.

From: Me
To: Mom

Alright then scratch the idea about me trying to get you to believe anything. It would just be nice to have support from my MOM, the one person I should be able to depend on for anything, when I get depressed or hypomanic.

Anyway, I take it then that you don’t want to come over this weekend?

From: Mom
To: Me

I work the weekend.

Does ANYONE see something wrong with this besides me? Does your mom treat you like she doesn’t give a fuck about you? She makes me cry. This is pretty much the story of my life. I’m nice to people, keep it friendly, ask for some support (rarely, so when I do I really need and mean it), and then … nothing but this. *sigh* I wish someoneanyone loved me.

Ethics rocks my world. Period.

Lots today, but I’ve been writing in ze moleskine instead. And I still have to type up the entry from Friday. RAWR.

Two midterms tomorrow. Nightnight.

*slight panic*

(There was originally a reason for the title, but alas… I typed the title HOURS ago)