A lot of the people that really know me are aware of the fact that I dream of becoming a well-established adult and I simply cannot wait to grow older. There isn’t much satisfaction in remaining a late-teen in college. Alright, that’s not entirely true, but for the most part it is.
It feels like I’m going to be in school for more years than I care to even count. Yet, they’re going by too quickly. My first year of college is over in a matter of days. It was in part a success with plenty of failures in between but in any case it’s just about over. It seems like just a bit ago I was in FSSP during the summer and very excited to begin college life at UC Santa Barbara and now … I’ve been here for a whole year.
To recap I was in hall council during FSSP, had many Sunday dinners with Toby, explored all of campus at night with David, had a roommate at one point, joined AS Program Board, started taking medication for bipolar disorder, planned Extravaganza for months, did poorly winter quarter, made new friends, saw Twitter gain popularity, learned so much about myself, grew as a person (and regressed in a few other ways), and just so much more.
So yes, the process of growing up is rewarding, but I just want to be accomplished already. Not to say that I mind the work that it takes to get to that point because that’s not why I want to skip out on my youth. Am I writing in circles? It just seems that I’ll be so much happier when I’m older and I want to leave all the misery behind.
There’s nothing more exciting to me than attending meetings, the thought of wearing business attire, making “executive” decisions, changing the lives of others, and so on. I can’t help but feel like a useless child. And I don’t want to be useless. I want to be taken seriously (but no, I don’t take myself too seriously).
If my family has any curse it’s living too damn long. There’s just too much stretch of time left to live and endless possibilities. So by living forever and ever I feel like I won’t ever feel accomplished because I’ll always have X amount of years to live. And the future just seems so much brighter.
This is conflicting, and it doesn’t even matter because there isn’t a damn thing I can do. Also, I might not have made myself very clear… but since when have I been coherent?