I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more (so much more).

My sleeping patterns are a bit off lately due to staying up ridiculously late (and then having to wake up ridiculously early). Right now I’m so very exhausted and wish nothing more than to go to sleep, but it’s just not that easy.

I have this strange urge to type up my rules. Over the past few days I have become a bit more lenient with them, but only because I’m too exhausted to keep it up. Don’t get me wrong though – they’re easy enough to follow. It just requires a little bit of a conscious effort. Very well then, here they are (with all names removed for privacy):

  • Never call ___. In time of need do not call and do not even think ___ would be a good person to call. Remember: people don’t care.
  • Never expect anything from ___.
  • Stop confiding in ___ about serious stuff.
  • Never expect anything from ___. Don’t call ___ if you want to do something fun. ___ will most likely say no. So lesson learned: just stop asking.
  • ___ talks to a lot of people. ___ does not need you; in no way am I a special friend.
  • Stop asking ___ to elaborate. ___ will not.
  • Stop being so ♥sy with people. Rarely are they ♥sy back. And no one cares about you as much as you care about them.
  • Keep all your problems to yourself.
  • There is no need to be so nice to people.
  • Stay emotionally detached.
  • Do not argue.
  • Walk it off.
  • I don’t care.

I have to admit that there’s a lot of cognitive distortion going on here (thanks to PA for the term). My friendships with a lot of people got steadily worse, and I wasn’t necessarily any happier than before I made the rules. Most of these rules go against who I am as a person. It’s been hard pretending to be someone completely unlike myself, but whatever – just life experiments.

Believe me I applied all of these rules and truly and honestly abided by them. I really did stop arguing, I really did stop caring, and etc. Lol, oh the overdramatics of life.

And the simplicities of it as well:

I want to go sticker shopping.

One thought on “I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more (so much more).

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