DayJune 27, 2008

This is my life.

I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop crying. I was cradling my body, rocking back and forth, but I can only do that for so long before the thoughts start flooding in. So desperately I want to die. Why do I always have to be blamed for everything? Why does she always yell at me, insult me, blame me, as if everything were my fault? Please please, I just want to die. I can’t stand being this miserable. Right now I could break everything in sight to feel better, but that wouldn’t do me any good in the end. I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying to breathe.

Reasoning with myself isn’t working.

I wish my mother loved me. I wish I had a father.

I’m trying to think positively. Nothing’s coming to mind. I’m trying to remember my lists, things I enjoy, things in life I appreciate – all of it worthless. Remember: tomorrow’s a new day.

Sleep, that’s what I need. Sleep.

I don’t know what to do.

God, help me.