This is my life.

I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop crying. I was cradling my body, rocking back and forth, but I can only do that for so long before the thoughts start flooding in. So desperately I want to die. Why do I always have to be blamed for everything? Why does she always yell at me, insult me, blame me, as if everything were my fault? Please please, I just want to die. I can’t stand being this miserable. Right now I could break everything in sight to feel better, but that wouldn’t do me any good in the end. I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying to breathe.

Reasoning with myself isn’t working.

I wish my mother loved me. I wish I had a father.

I’m trying to think positively. Nothing’s coming to mind. I’m trying to remember my lists, things I enjoy, things in life I appreciate – all of it worthless. Remember: tomorrow’s a new day.

Sleep, that’s what I need. Sleep.

I don’t know what to do.

God, help me.

2 thoughts on “This is my life.

  1. Yes I know exactly how you feel.

    Jenny Lewis / Rilo Kiley song Ripchord captures such feelings well particularly in the way she emotes it when she sings it…. I have many days when I feel as you do; thank goodness for the days I don’t….

    pull the ripchord
    the ship has lost its sail
    your mama’s got a new man
    your daddy always fails
    and you’re eating again
    at them
    ’cause nobody loves you

    and even fancy things
    have finally lost their charm
    wine and diamond rings
    they never get you anymore
    you’re sleeping again
    ’cause nobody loves you

    they should have seen you
    should have known you
    should have known what it was like
    to be you

    so come on kid
    look at what you did
    I don’t know if you meant it
    but you did yourself in
    and I was even having a good day
    when I’d found out we lost you

    she said it was in the singing and the strumming
    oh man I even saw it coming

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