I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop crying. I was cradling my body, rocking back and forth, but I can only do that for so long before the thoughts start flooding in. So desperately I want to die. Why do I always have to be blamed for everything? Why does she always yell at me, insult me, blame me, as if everything were my fault? Please please, I just want to die. I can’t stand being this miserable. Right now I could break everything in sight to feel better, but that wouldn’t do me any good in the end. I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying to breathe.
Reasoning with myself isn’t working.
I wish my mother loved me. I wish I had a father.
I’m trying to think positively. Nothing’s coming to mind. I’m trying to remember my lists, things I enjoy, things in life I appreciate - all of it worthless. Remember: tomorrow’s a new day.
Sleep, that’s what I need. Sleep.
I don’t know what to do.
God, help me.
June 27th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Yes I know exactly how you feel.
Jenny Lewis / Rilo Kiley song Ripchord captures such feelings well particularly in the way she emotes it when she sings it…. I have many days when I feel as you do; thank goodness for the days I don’t….
pull the ripchord
the ship has lost its sail
your mama’s got a new man
your daddy always fails
and you’re eating again
at them
’cause nobody loves you
and even fancy things
have finally lost their charm
wine and diamond rings
they never get you anymore
you’re sleeping again
alone
’cause nobody loves you
oooh
they should have seen you
should have known you
should have known what it was like
to be you
so come on kid
look at what you did
I don’t know if you meant it
but you did yourself in
and I was even having a good day
when I’d found out we lost you
oooh
she said it was in the singing and the strumming
oh man I even saw it coming
June 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
[...] I’m still having some mother issues, but really I’m trying so damn hard to push it out of my mind. Just one more week, only one~! [...]