MonthAugust 2008

I’mma do what I want!

My apartment is such a hot mess. My shit is thrown everywhere and so is David’s ‘cus he slept over here this weekend. He got into an argument with one of Sandy’s friends so his mess is here, too. hahaha, but awww it’s nice having him around. Omg, it’ll be so awkward when Rona gets here… ‘cus she’s been in Italy all summer! AHHHH I’ll have to get used to having someone around all the time again. ~awkward.

Oh yeah these are my fierce new sunglasses!!!!! 😀

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I love myself, too.

Entry from the 26th – On The Train

Is there a story to tell? For so long E.L. was part of my life. It just occurred to me that I brought him up that one time when I was listening to some of the music he recommended to me. And I brought it up to M.T. and he said it didn’t seem like something I would listen to, which is really dead on.

Oh, I’m feeling rather reminiscent. It’s this novel. Not good, really. Not at all. And I’m just thinking way too much.

I feel strangely adultish with this purse and this attire and the way I’m sitting. Everything about it yells ‘grown person’ … I hate to use the word woman. There’s something about the connotations/expections of the word that keep me from seeing myself as one. My lips are trembling, and tears are forming in my eyes. Why does this happen to me always and only in public? There’s a sadder quality about being out and about than in the comforts of your home that makes those tears just so much more willing to fall.

It seems as though he’s trying to tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and I’m just not getting it. And I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if it’s the truth. And I’m starting to dislike who I become when I’m with him and usually that’s the only reason I “like” anyone: because of who I become when I’m with them. A selfish reason, yes, but one nonetheless.

There is some sadness too deep to express even in words. I wish I showed my sadness through my eyes, and the whole world knew there is something underneath worth exploring. I want to change. I want to be someone else. A less helpless-looking version of myself.

I can’t believe my aunts asked me if I’m still taking my medication. My ‘behavior’ was pretty perfect this entire weekend and they thought I’m just “getting better” because of the pills. But I told them I haven’t been taking them for months, which is entirely true.

Right now I feel like walking in front of a moving bus, just to die. Why does my depression get this bad? What’s bothering me? Thoughts come a mile a minute and it makes sense for me to be depressed, but then the moment you ask me, I just don’t know. I don’t know at all.

I feel so lost.

1. trying to suggest things we can do so we can talk again. Fail.

2. people see me as some super serious super-goody-two shoes. mark. jonathan. that’s not who I am. I can be serious, but I can also be really silly and fun. It hurts to think people just don’t know me.

Shopping Does The Soul Good

I need to start with my yesterday to talk about today.

Paulina texted me on Tuesday night asking if I wanted to work merch for the Jack Johnson concert on Wednesday. I lovelovelove doing merch and I immediately texted back that I’d love to, and even though I was hella tired from traveling back to SB from Downey and then rushing immediately to work that night I was so down to do merch the next day.

Okay, so yesterday I headed over to Harder Stadium at 1 and so began my very long day of working merch for the concert. Originally the plan was for me to work from 1pm to 11pm, and the other shift would come in from 4pm and stay until 1am. That did not go accordingly and instead I worked until 1am, for 12 hours straight with only one 10 minute break.

JJ had PALETTES of merch in a huuuuge truck, and I really had never seen so much fucking merch in one tent in my life! Early in the day there were only six of us and wow… it was so hectic organizing shit, let me tell you. ACK. And ughh! As I was hanging merch on the “wall” for display some fucking photographer took a photo of me while I was standing on a table. OH HELL NO. It was so awkward!!!!

I have never held THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of dollars on my person before. Like seriously my hands felt so FILTHY touching all that money!!! ACK. And omg, all 12 of us (6 joined in at 4pm) were barefoot on the grass. We were just running back and forth and there were 5-6 people deep in line all across the tent!!!! It was such a bombardment, a rush, and just damn exciting!!!! (: AHHH Merch is just damn amazing. And I make a cute sales girl. (;

I mean I hate anything to do with selling. I cannot for the life of me persuade ~anyone~ to do anything, especially if they don’t want to. It’s just not what I do! I feel I should not have to convince anyone ever, because it is a waste of my breath and time. But that serious issue aside, selling people really cute shirts is awesome. I know all the sizes, people ask me for my opinion on what I like, etc., and ahhh everyone is just happy all around! I’m not convincing anyone. They’re all vying for my attention to get something they ~really~ want. (: And III get the special honor of helping them pick and choose and find something that suits them/fits them!

Anyway, by end of the night I’m pretty sure JJ made huge money. Like HUGE. It’d be unprofessional to say just how much, so I won’t, but know it was A SHIT TON OF MONEY. He could buy a Honda Accord, no problem, with that money. (Not quite a Lexus or anything more upscale, but dude that’s still a lot of money). I got $250 for that one day’s work. (: Happy happy times! (And I got a free tote bag!!)

Anyway, so I found out one of the guys working lives right across the street from me, like directly across and so we both biked back home together at like 1:30 in the morning… haha… But instead of going back to his place Edward felt like chatting it up or something. We coincidentally found David locking up his bike, coming from work, I think, and we were like ZOMG we all know each other now! haha…. and we went to eat at Freebirds! Lol. OMG! Then we brought the chatter back to my apartment and these fuckin’ guys kept talking about AS until 4am. By then I was like OHN, I need to sleep. I had to CONVINCE them to leave my apartment. Haha, fuckin’ cuhrazy queers<3

I woke up at 10am, got ready, met up with David to find a bike for him to ride, then called up Edward so we could eat at Pho Bistro in IV. Then Paulina called and she joined us! Pho is so damn good, but Pho Bistro’s is mediocre. And wow…. after we got our food walked in Moonie, Jose, and Miguel! And then these other people Paulina knew and we just all knew each other there, no joke! It’s a small place and IV is pretty small too so we were all just chattering away. haha.

Anyway, afterward Sandy, David, and I decided to go shopping! It’s got me in such a great mood!!! Everything was so damn cute on me!!!! Really boosted my self-esteem. ^_^ Normally dresses I’m totally iffy about ‘cus I don’t really think I look that great in them but arghhh… I got three!!

And I got two jeans from PacSun, too. OHHHH MY GOODNESS. We saw Alexis Bledel at Macy’s!!!! She wore a black and white striped jacket, she was so petite, and she looked like a regular girl shopping, except her face is fucking GORGEOUS!!!! She currently has straight black hair, and it’s amazingly shiny.

Anyway, I ended up spending $300… Hahahaha…. pictures later, promise. Everything is sosososososososoooo cute. ARGHHHH can’t stand how cute everything is. I just want to model it all right now. Haha… ^_^;;

Okok time is running out! Need to post this!

Eye candy:

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It Feels Like I’m Losing The Only Thing I Never Had

And it’s all a figment of my imagination. Maybe. No, probably not. Who knows? Who cares? ):

Anyway, I am back home! I got here at 7pm, pulled my hair up real quick style, and walked to work. Love that it’s two minutes away!

Random thought:
Something that sort of damages my conversations with ~___~ is the constant nagging wonder of what !___! would say to ~___~ and then I just come off as not myself. And what I want most of all right now is to be myself. And only myself. Enough of that stupid fake Bri that comes out everyday with everyone.

There is nothing I can really say or type that can really explain my current mood. I’ve cried a handful of times today, if not more, and not for good reasons. Silly little memories/thoughts got me pretty depressed, and with my sad music playing I just couldn’t hold it in. And what’s worse is I was in public, broad daylight, etc. Like I texted Elizabeth, at least it moisturized my contacts. *shrugs*

N___ is not my friend, officially probably considering how rude she always is, her fucking annoying attitude, and the lack of response when I said something on the phone a few weeks ago. Poof! She’s gone from my life. Thank goodness.
S___ is not a ~good~ friend. UGH. I don’t care to explain.

Oh! Tomorrow I’m working merch for the Jack Johnson concert at Harder Stadium at UCSB. (: Yeahhh, love doing merch so much! It’s really fun, you get to talk to a lot of people, and etc. And yey for getting paid. Omg, but I’m working from 1pm to 11pm. Intense hours. My whole day will be gone and I need to get stuff done this week. My week is halfway over already. Gah!

Note to self: Thursday I need to go buy sunglasses. And if I don’t find the model # I want, there’s always online~ haha…

Nightnight!